The Loop Guide to Clubbing, Drinking, plus West Essex and East London living.

Posted on Thursday, 2nd April 09

Spring, my favourite time of year the days are longer the nights are shorter, everyone’s talking about holidays and sunshine and it seems like the whole world is waking up from its winter sleep and things are starting to grow and hatch. Its sunny spring days like today that make me feel like writing a children’s story about a married hedgehog or a fable about a rabbit who basically steals from farmer Giles but I have a feeling that Beatrice Potter beat me to that! No instead I will stick to my usual composition of relationships, Essex and the struggle to make the transition from girl to woman and in fact it’s that transition that I am going to be discussing more profoundly.

Lots of my friends are turning 30 this year including me, there is something exciting about turning 30, not at first, at first when approaching the big 3 0 you feel old and you end up winding yourself up about all the things you feel you should have achieved by this age and haven’t. In the past I have spoken a lot about not sticking to your life plan and as I’ve often reiterated there is no such thing as a ‘life plan’, fair enough have a rough guide and some fundamentals but give yourself a massive break and plus there are wonderments that were never in your plan that I bet you can look back on and think ‘well I never’! Anyway apart from that slight worry about getting older, turning 30 can feel quite refreshing. You’re finally accepted as an adult you can say things like ‘she is merely a child’ (to someone who is 21) or ‘I went to school with your mother’ I also like the fact that the relationship between your parents changes, you can now answer back with things like ‘I am a grown woman, I will make my own decisions’ when they’re trying to chastise you, sometimes even the roles are reversed and your parents will come to ‘you’ for advice, that’s my favourite! Don’t get to excited though there are times when my mum still has ‘mothers power’ and I haven’t lived at home for 7 years, we can be having a very grown up, civilised shopping trip and she’ll say something like ‘you’ve got about 100 tops like that’ and in a bid to defend my choice of purchase I end up feeling 15 again, I mean how the hell would she know I doubt she’s even knows the contents on my wardrobe (quite handy actually as I have collected a few of her items over the years). Anyway back to the point, so growing up it’s a good feeling, looking back on the past 10 years and literally seeing myself as a different person has made me change. Luckily my obsession for oversized Chanel Suits, my crush on all of the New Kids on the Block and the fact that I smoked more than Dot Cotton are in the past but there are things about being a lairy 20 year old that I do miss. I seemed to take a lot more risks at 20 (not always good ones) I was a lot braver and bolder. I now make a conscious effort to try and do things to keep this trait alive, the thought of being scared of anything would be like prison for me, (although did you watch Holloway, it made prison look like a bit of a rubbish health farm, I want to go on their detox programme, crime anyone?). Fear stops people doing so many things, not just physical fear but emotional fear, not being about to talk about your feelings or being truthful with yourself, all these things stop you growing up and you can be 101 years old but if you don’t learn to develop as much as you mature then you’re going to miss out on a lot of fulfilment from your life. This I came to realise after a few things, the way I have changed in the last few years, people I’ve met, the way my friends live and of course the tragic death of the young like Jade and my friend Stel who died when he was only 20. I have always tried to make sense of the young dying and I have never come up with any viable reason so on reflexion I feel it is important for each individual to live unreservedly as boundless as you can and remembering that there are enough hurdles in life for you to stumble over without creating your own.

It is so important to reflect and I know it might all sound a little bit deep but it’s something I wanted to share because I meet so many people that just won’t challenge themselves because of fear. I wouldn’t call them naïve in fact most people that are naive tend to take more risks as they are oblivious to the outcomes. Things like moving on, changing patterns and breaking chains are all elements to help you grow but you have to patient, a lot of these fundamentals don’t happen over night. It’s a bit like when you trying to lose weight, it’s as much about changing your mind as it is your body, the body bit is easy but you have to change your way of thinking about food and your lifestyle. Its times when you hit a milestone Birthday that you think things like this and in my case 30, no one said life was ever easy but it can be fun and if you have faith and trust in fate you won’t spend 90% of the time worrying about things that will never happen. So on that note I will leave you with this, everything we learn is a change and a stepping stone nearer to reaching more and more knowledge and in my eyes knowledge about life is freedom to live – I just made that up, how clever am I!.

From a very philosophical Miss Essex & The City see you when I am 30!!

P.S Had the best time at Gammy’s Birthday and Pav’s..... I am so sorry I told mumma about nanna.... she has a right to know!

P.P.S Mercedes… I love you!! xxx

Essex and the City 28

Posted on Thursday, 5th March 09

Right I’m going to start with a moan, I was a little disappointed by the lack of people that turned up for Jade Goody’s walk last Saturday. I can’t understand it, why couldn’t more people give an hour of their time, Just to show some support and perhaps raise a bit of money? In fact the more I write about this the more disgusted I feel, Jade has been our local treasure for god knows how long, all the bars, club’s, events and magazines round here that at some point have used Jade in a way that is beneficial to their business, where the hell were their reps? As a local Essex girl/boy no doubt you’ve had your opinion of Jade over the years and she has been your topic of conversation in some way and what’s the betting that a lot of you have had a conversation with her at some point or told someone you know her? She was always at Femme Fetal, constantly in the local bars and clubs ever since she came out of Big Brother so you can’t tell me that there were only 100 people in the area that knew her. I just can’t understand why they wouldn’t want to show their support?? What I am more fuming about are the people that kept driving past the supporters, just watching, staring, and looking to see who was there and who wasn’t. There were two girls in black SLK, up and down, slowing down and staring they drove past three times, laughing. I can’t wait to see them again and don’t worry I will get a picture and name and shame! Why not just stop, get out of daddy’s car and do something for someone else or failing that give a donation? Disgusting.
No doubt I’ve offended the ones that actually did feel shitty about not going I just wanted to explain that there seems to be two types of people that deal with situations like this and I was discussing this with Soph. The first are the people who make up excuses for not going, to themselves and others, ok so it’s an excuse and sometimes even a white lie but at least they’ve got a conscience and will probably spend a lot of time feeling bad about not going. Then you’ve got those who just don’t give a shit, they’re too wrapped up in their own sad case lives, with the ignorant attitude ‘if it doesn’t affect me then so what’ and trust me there is a lot of those about. Obviously if you didn’t know about the walk then this DOES NOT APPLY just in case you’re debating whether to send me an abusive email, listen that’s fine go ahead but I will just re-offend you with my sharp wit, either that or I will email back an apology in an attempt to make you like me again ha ha!

It’s strange, I used to be so bothered about being liked ask my friends… There was a time the girls and I were in 195. A girl we knew but Lucie didn’t like was making her way over, Lucie grabbed my arm and ‘don’t you dare say hello to her’, so listening and respecting on of my best friends feelings I ignored this girl when she said hello. Noticing I was off with her she then said ‘you look nice’ to which I replied ‘oh do I thanks’ – shallow and very fickle but at least she still liked me! Things like that used to happen all the time and if people didn’t like me I would make more of an effort to get them too, which used to annoy everyone including myself. I am so pleased that having got a bit older I am completely over it and it’s very liberating, I am thinking that the older I get the more things won’t bother me. Maybe that’s why old people are so lairy? I love them they just don’t care they’ve obviously got to a stage in their life where they think ‘f*ck it, I’m 80 as if I’m ever going to change and in fact I am going to get worse!’ If I’m lucky enough to reach 80 then I am going to play the ‘old’ card at every given opportunity, I may even get a stick whether I need one or not to hit people round the legs with and when I get questioned about why I clobbered the teenager outside the virtual tanning shop I am just going to grunt ‘what? I’m old’ and shuffle along my way. I love their audacity and it’s made me think, maybe it’s not a bus pass you get when you’re old, maybe that’s just a cover up for what you really get, the ‘give a shit’ pass (or GAS for short). The terms and conditions of your GAS pass state that you’re not allowed to do things like, change to suite anyone else, or even compromise and if you’re GAS registered you’re certainly not allowed to try and make people like you, doing that will result in your GAS pass being taken away and you will have to hand back your Micra, shopping trolley and subscription to ‘Yours’ magazine and return to normal life! Oh the shame, what will they say at the Legion, you won’t have to worry as GAS offenders are barred! Ok so that might sound a little bit far fetched but if it is the case then can I have a GAS pass now please?? I was very awkward in my 20’s and without sounding to much like ‘Dr Phil’ it took until about 25 for me to be ‘happy with myself’, that’s not to say mind you that sometimes certain people can still make me feel like a 20 year old and all those insecurities come flooding back, it’s not a feeling to be wished upon anyone (apart from maybe the idiots in the black SLK). It’s true though, you’re walking about all cocky and independent then out of nowhere you get a short, sharp knock back down to earth and before you know it you’re 18 again. It’s like when you get told off or had a go at and it’s totally your fault. Have you ever done a gym class and the teacher has singled you out because your leg’s too bent or you’re not squatting low enough? You try to do as she asks but then she comes over and she’s got that stupid microphone attached to her head ‘Vogue’ style, not only everyone in the studio can here but the whole bloody gym (but don’t you also love it when that happens to someone else ha ha). So It’s times like that when you’re back to being a child again and feeling all unsettled within yourself, I would love to know the secret as to how to get over that, maybe it is when you get to a ripe old age, maybe that’s why old people can’t be told, you can almost imagine them saying ‘I am not about to be told off be you sonny, no I am over that, if I am wrong I will change the world to make me right because I am sure as hell not going to change myself’ so maybe that’s it change your situation you’re in rather than yourself, choose or pick something or someone that will fit in with you rather than the other way round, why should you compromise? Failing that then just fight fire with fire, if that works then I am two steps ahead, I think I have had a row a day this week, which in my mum’s eyes is a good philosophy to live by; maybe she’s got a point! Did I just say my mother’s got a point…? Oh no here we go I am starting to morph already!

P.S Can I just thank Jerri Lee and others for organising the Jade walk. Jerri you truly are an angel and I hope you stay in my life forever, the world needs more like you. Love always.

P. P.S There’s two people I can’t stand at the moment firstly Jordan, she is so F*ckin self obsessed, she thinks everyone is so interested in her. I suppose with all the the excess surgery, the fixation on her own appearance combined with number of sexual partners people are bound to be intrigued as to how she got the title as the world’s most famous slut. Yea, I don’t like Jordan. Winehouse is the same, on drugs off drugs, married not married – who cares, she reminds me of a bearded lady.

P.P.P.S New Wenchies vid coming soon, could be the best one yet! Well done Wenchie at boot camp, very proud of you.

P.P.P.P S Daniel Radmore is truly one of the funniest people I know (happy now Radders?)

P.P.P.P.P.S There is someone special that I love waking up with, is all I think about and makes me smile, but all will be revealed another time! xx

Essex and the City 27

Posted on Thursday, 18th December 08

‘May old acquaintance be forgot’, well yes they can especially the bad apple’s you’ve met in your life or just the people you wish to forget. I was given some good advice the other day by the lovely Nikki, she is my bro’s new girlfriend and I LOVE her! She said that all the disappointing people in your life will eventually fade away and she’s right I only have to look back on the disappointments and I can barely remember them and in the words of Celine Dion, they are all ‘just a page in my history’ ha ha I can’t believe she sung such a good song when she is sooo naff and has such a narrow face?
Anyway more importantly, so Christmas is upon us and as requested by my very good friend Mercedes I have decided not to leave it so long this time! There are a couple of things that have hit a nerve with me this month. I watched a programme last night its been on before and it’s a Louis Theroux documentary (I bloody love him and is it a bit weird that I sort of fancy him?) anyway it was about a prison in America, most of the inmates were there for life or at least a very long time. So the programme was about ‘life on the inside’ I kept getting the theme tune of prisoner cell block H in my head while watching it ‘he used to give me roses, I wish he would again’ you know the one Wenchies! Anyway it was obviously a documentary aimed at showing you the ‘softer side’ of a murders penitentiary, is there one? I hear you ask, well apparently there is and loving relationships can develop amongst the most normal of killers ha ha I am laughing to myself when I write this. What seemed to happen to a lot of them was, they knew they were going to be in prison forever so instead of no love or sex (even if it was same sex) they settled. There was one man, married with two kids and more notably was part of a Nazi gang who ended up having a relationship with a Jewish, gay (effeminate being the understatement of the year) he had a deep ‘loving’ connection with. So it made me wonder, when people say do you have a ‘type’? After seeing that, I would have to say no, the bottom line is as people we need love and when it comes down to it we’ll get it any which way but loose, and sometimes loose being the operative word! So if you meet someone and you both want to fall in love then you’ve got half a chance of being in a happy relationship and trust me they are out there, if you find any of the male version could you please pass them my way!

So apart from learning that even evil killers & tortures can obtain loving relationships that was not the only reason I wanted to talk about that show, there was something else. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I hate money, I hate discussing it, earning it, I quite like spending it but find it hard to and I hate all that surrounds it. One of the life time servers in the prison that Louis interviewed was asked if he would be able to make a life in prison, he said you could and not only that but prison has its positives. No stress about money, an endless supply of food and clothes and more importantly a roof over his head, he basically said he would be looked after for the rest of his life. As I was watching I suddenly felt a sigh of relief and thought – oh how nice would that be, not having to worry. Of course there were things he would miss like, sailing a boat on the open water or having children or popping out for a beer but all in all a stress free life. He was in there for armed robbery and torturing people, nice! It made me think because people are soo stressed about money whether it’s earning enough to buy 300 Christmas presents or for people they see once a year or enough to just keep their homes, different people have their own set of problems that surround more. It leaves little time to enjoy actually living moments, so, ok, yes we have the freedom to go to the pub for a beer unlike Mr gang member USA but what do we do when we get there, we either sit there and moan about our troubles or drink so much to try and forget them? So with that in mind I am asking all four of the people that probably read this (most of them family or Wenchies) please live every moment to the full or you may as well rob a bank and risk going to prison because you have as much freedom in there as you do here when you’re controlled by money. When people say does money buy you happiness, I don’t think it does but its gives you freedom to enjoy every moment without worry so instead of gaining another set of problems, bloody enjoy it if you’ve got it!

Until Next Year MERRY CHIRSTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

P.S Am looking V forwards to Christmas with the Wenchies at Woolston Manor, all families joining, I love it!

P.P.S Can we all start writing letters and sending more Christmas cards because the Royal mail might have to start privatising some of it and that means no more royal mail or postman’s like before and you know how upset we were about Woolworths!

P.P.P.S Love to Trisha, I hope you and Ralph have a magical Christmas lots of love X

Essex & The City 26

Posted on Friday, 5th December 08

‘He’s just not that into you’ Sex and the city season 6 episode 5. Readers must have assumed by now that Sex and the City is one of my favourite TV shows, mainly down to the fact that I’ve based this column on it for the last four years and of course the play on words of the title. The reason why I love Sex and the city and I think I speak for a lot of women when I say, that I can relate to it; I along with others have often sat there with a group of girlfriends while we all decided which character we are most like. Not being able to decide between Samantha, Carrie or Charlotte or sometimes a bit of all three, naturally we discard Miranda for obvious reasons, although I thought she was great in the film. With all that in mind it’s no wonder that at some point I would have wanted to address one of Candice Bushall subjects (she’s the writer) and although I am not a fan of plagiarism there is one point I would really like to discuss and that is the subject ‘he’s just not that into you’. Sometimes you need to read the signs, heed the warning and understand, while I have seen some women relentlessly chase their men and then finally getting what they want it seems to me like a long and painful process with little reward. I know a lot of girls that just ‘don’t give up’ maybe they don’t give up on a man but they themselves are giving a lot up in a way - self respect, dignity and in some cases decorum. It amazes me how much they will do to gain the love of one person, who they will upset along the way or what they will lose to get him.
You know what it’s like when you first meet someone, you go on a date and then you wait for the arrangement of the next one, as a woman we are never the ones to ask and it’s a case of waiting and sometimes that can be torture. Then after the second or even third date that’s when you know whether they’re into you or not. If you think they are then the apprehension stops it becomes a case of when you go on your 4th date not if. If you’re still apprehensive at that point then it’s the time you either give up and move on or in some cases, turn crazy and by this I mean, going everywhere they’re going to be, checking their facebook, sometimes three times a day and writing stupid things on their wall. Things like, ringing when drunk, texting not getting a reply and then texting again, forward date planning like ‘do you want to come to my sisters wedding in 2010?’ or ‘what you doing Christmas day? All these components make up a woman that’s got it bad and a man that hasn’t got it at all and no matter how nice/sexy/funny you are, this won’t change. I suppose you’re wondering why I am touching on this point, as if almost I’m almost sharing something with you that relates to my current situation or something I’ve learned recently, listen, we’ve all been there. At 17 I loved this boy, I loved him so much that every time he spoke to me I went bright red, I would collar him to have a picture done with me at Country Club (bless Trevor) and I would follow him wherever he went. Then one day, 5 years on he asked me out and I was so excited I couldn’t eat but then my infatuation turned to boredom and the fantasy was a lot more exciting than the reality. In hindsight I have put this down to the fact that after 4 dates you can’t truly be in love with someone and the same can be said for someone you’ve been with for two years. Apparently in one of my many Psychotherapy book’s (yes wenchies, THAT book) it’s after two years that you truly whole heartedly either fall in love with someone or don’t and I have to believe that. SO with that in mind now when I think ‘they’re not that into me’ I tell myself and there’s a good chance given time that I ‘won’t be that into them’. Instead of getting lost and caught up in the whole romanticism of love you need to think more logically. For some this takes the fun out of it but I think the more you think like this the more likely it’ll be that you get swept off your feet because the way you feel will be uncontrollable. If you can control it then it’s not love, love is am emotion and not a thing. Look at it this way, you can’t force yourself to feel sad over something, it either is or it isn’t the same with something that makes you laugh, it’s an emotion and it’s the same with love, although it takes longer to grow and requires a lot more self control. Like I’ve said to my friends before love and life can be hard because we are fighting a resistance, as animals all we are suppose to really do is eat and sleep and breed but as a race we want to better ourselves and that makes life harder but well worth the effort!

So on that rather solum but insightful note! Its goodbye from Miss Essex and the City until next time…

P.S. I love my wenchies and you will too, join the wenchies fan club on Facbook and watch our videos.

P.P.S Happy Birthday to Lou! I can’t beleive we’ve been bets friends for 17 years! LOVE YOU

P.P.P.S Ash aka Shirl - Life goes on!

Essex & The City 25

Posted on Monday, 13th October 08

So being 29 is undoubtedly the best year of my life and Sophie agrees. We had a Wenchie discussion the other day * and we’ve come up with a few reasons that I would like to mention. Firstly there’s the sense of inner peace ‘I am happy with who I am and if you don’t like it then tough’. Then there’s the independence and the realisation that we are all totally in control of our own lives and that we have the ability to move mountains, should we wish to do so. Then there’s the self confidence and embarrassment factor where the bar is so well raised that you can barley see it and I’ve heard it gets even higher as you get older. To elaborate on that last point, think back to when you were younger and not only did you suffer your own embarrassment but you could also get embarrassed at the hands of others whether it be your mum, dad or anyone slightly older for that matter who is usually related in some way, well that doesn’t happen when you’re 29 and it’s very liberating. Then (and this is my favourite) there’s the total belief that for the first time ever you have come to terms with the fact that you never know what’s around the corner (and trust me there is usually something). You don’t where you will be in 10 years time and you’ve finally relaxed into the idea that life is about the moment, The Now. Sure you have goals but the lead up to them is not an oversight anymore, instead you cherish the good times more and welcome the bad as something to learn from. So with all that in mind I conclude that 29 IS a good age and I have put all these factors into practice whilst on my husband search. I used to be one of those people in love with the idea of being in love and this got me nowhere as you end up settling. Sometimes when you want something so badly you don’t actually take the time to notice any indiscretions and you push all those niggling doubts to the back of your mind, which only come back and bite you on the arse and trust me I have been bitten more than once and it’s not always enjoyably ha ha. I used to think the task of finding my soul mate would be quite an easy one and that being on TV, writing for a living and working for myself would be what I would have to work at but having done all those things they seemed quite easy in comparison.
So lately I have been dating like it’s going out of fashion, it’s almost as if I am doing an experiment on the male species, testing and trying out all the kinds of people. Reading that back that actually makes me sound like a floozy but I didn’t say I had been sleeping with them all, in fact I couldn’t even bring myself to kiss a couple of them, so lets not go down that road! No, I have this weird notion that if I go out with enough I will be so clued up that I will quickly sum up their attributes after the 1st date and work out whether it’s even worth a second. Ok so I am not so shallow that I have one date, don’t like their shoes and never see them again, well not every time anyway ha ha. I do however, know that the minute they say things like ‘I don’t know what to do with my life’, or ‘my ex used to wear that perfume/do that/order that etc’ or things like ‘I might have the day off tomorrow, again’ or ‘I would move out but I have it to easy at home’ you know those types of things, then their off and they could look like Beckham it really wouldn’t matter, date 2 is not going to happen.
What men fail to realise is if they want an independent woman (and I am not saying they all do) but if they do, they need to be equally independent, have other interests and ambition themselves. They need to be honest about who they are instead of being the man they think you want them to be, is that so hard to ask for? This leads to my next massive requirement in a man and that’s honesty and lets face it if people can’t be truthful with themselves then how the hell are they going to be truthful with anyone else and you can only be truthful with yourself when you’ve actually figured out who you are, got all that? For me 29 was the milestone but I don’t think it has anything to do with age I think it’s to do with reaching a stage where you are happy with yourself. I want someone at the same point in their lives as me and long may that search continue!

Until next time, and I promise I won’t leave it so long! Lots of love and kisses from Miss Essex & The City (how cheesy is that)

P.S Ellie is moving to Dubai, we are one Wenchie down and I am NOT happy! Although she is so I suppose I could raise a smile.

P.P.S Loving Soph’s judging at the 195 factor, so pleased she is doing every week she is the funniest person EVER!

P.P.P.S Have you seen our Wenchies videos? What do you mean no, go on my face book, Wenchies 1, 2 & 3 sooo funny!

P.P.P.P.S Good luck this week Paulie x

* A Wenchie discussion is when all the Wenchies get together (the Wenchies being, me, Sophie, Lucie, Lowman & Ellie) we discuss dating, eating habits, 195, In Magazine, our next holidays etc. These have been taking place for about 4 years and will continue to do so.

Pout Introduces Thursdays at 195 and it’s gonna be like the old times!

Posted on Thursday, 2nd October 08

Thursdays are back at 195 and it’s gonna be like the old times! From the makers of Allure and Posh Funk, Club 195 brings you ‘Pout’! Over the last few months Thursday nights have a taken a bit of a back seat in the excitement stakes and West Essex weekends have definitely seemed shorter, but not anymore! Every Thursday ‘Pout’ comes to Club 195 and the weekend starts early again! Since 195’s refurb and the introduction of some of Essex’s most renowned promoters, club 195 has regained it’s exclusivity of being West Essex most elite night club. It only made sense to re-open on a Thursday guaranteeing that Pout will be a success before it’s even begun!
Complimenting this new night will be West Essex’s finest DJ’s including, Vernon James, Lewi J & Ross Mac playing the latest in funky house and a hint of R n B and of course Magic on the bongos. House drinks are £2.50 all night and entrance price is £5. This is definitely a dressy affair, so you will need to make the effort.
It’s so refreshing to see Thursday nights back again and where better to spend your long weekend than Club 195, first stop ‘Pout’, bring it on!

GUESTLIST ESSENTIAL!

Check out their new website. http://www.poutnights.co.uk

Thursday 16th October at Club One9Five & Every Thursday thereafter!
funky house & a hint of r&b.
djs: vernon james - lewi j - ross mac - joe butler - greenie
craig lee - nick da funk - peter nicholls
percussion by magic fingers
Celebrate in style, why not book a table, or for larger groups the Black Room - call us now on 07834 905800
price: £5 all night
dress sophisticated & smart… make an effort!
house drinks £2.50 all night - champagne reception
Club 195, Cottis Lane, 195-199 High Street, Epping, CM16 4BL.
http://www.club195.co.uk

Essex and the City 24

Posted on Wednesday, 27th August 08

I am sure you will agree that this summer was probably the worst one we’ve had for a long time but although the weather has been grey, cold and miserable I have actually had quite a good few months. First there was Thailand detox (see EAC 22) which comes highly recommended. Then there was my Birthday which was the week after the detox and which saw me being carried out of Little Italy drunk as a skunk… oh the shame! I kept blaming it on ‘drinking so soon after a detox’ and Ellie said she would had agreed had it not been for the 2 Tequilas, Grappa & flaming Lamborghini (its my cousins own recipe) and lets not forget the 8 bottles of champagne! So there is a lesson learned there, don’t drink after a detox or do drink but not everything in sight and not anything your crazy Italian cousin decides to make up on the spot! Little Italy is such a great place though I love it there, the fact that you can eat and then go downstairs and party is genius. The food, atmosphere and service is excellent so one doesn’t take the shine off the other if you know what I mean. I like going to West End and its nice to go to a place where you can stay all night instead of going from bar to bar then ending up in a club full of tourists. It always seems that half way through a not very productive night someone decides ‘warehouse’ which you agree to and once there you pretend to everyone you’ve had a great night at the West End… ermm no you didn’t because you’ve ended up in Warehouse ha ha!

So apart from a great B’day and holiday I am now the proud renter of the smallest flat in Essex, ok its small but small has its advantages. Firstly its all mine (well for 6 months anyway), secondly its cheap so I get to live there on my own, thirdly it takes 15 mins to clean and lastly I go out in the morning and when I come home the flat is exactly how I left it. I have my little dog there Ollie so I am not completely ‘on my own’ but you get the idea and for those of you who have never tried living alone I would highly recommend it. My friend Sophie has lived on her own for nearly 12 years and she was the one that really pushed me into doing it, we went to see the flat and I was sort of making excuses I was making the choice to move from the biggest Georgian flat ever to a tiny studio. I couldn’t vision it but with Sophie’s help and expertise the flat looks lovely, girly and homely and I love it! The first few nights were a bit lonely and it took me ages to get to sleep but now its great and I am totally relaxed. Thank you little wenchy for making my flat my home and thank you wenchy no.2 for bringing round one of your steel colonic tools that we used as a hammer!
There’s something to be said for being totally comfortable being on your own, I never really grasped the concept before. I was one of these people that always ‘needed’ someone and would only feel at peace if I had a boyfriend. Now from facing up to it, being single is brilliant! You get to look for people you want in your life not one’s you need because if you do that then you end settling. I think that’s why people put up with so much from boyfriends and girlfriends; they would rather have a little bit of what they need than nothing at all so they settle. Take it from me unless you break the chain you will always be miserable. So unless you like being miserable and trust me some people do (and I am sure they are almost always working the bakers) then you need to work on yourself a bit, just get yourself to a point where you are completely happy on your own, its not easy but its worth it. Failing that have more than one boyfriend/ girlfriend one for each day of the week and you will never be alone but you may be labelled!
The girls and I have decided to have one of our famous Halloween parties again this year and although slightly premature I feel it necessary to organise these things well in advance. Sophie and I have also arranged our 30th for next year, yes the big ‘30’ we are having a joint one at Woolston Manor and then the week after we are off to LA – Hollywood baby! Can you imagine Essex in the Hills, more like the hills have eyes by the time we get there ha ha! On that note I am going to love you and leave you but not for long but I will leave you with a little joke

My Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

Love it!

Essex and the City 23

Posted on Thursday, 3rd July 08

Is it me or are men turning into women? The other night in Nu bar there was a boy in there with shoulder length hair (that had been straightened) and an Alice in wonderland style headband? I mean what is that about? It was bad enough that from the back he looked like a girl but from the front he looked like a pre op transsexual and not a very attractive one. Ok so if he was a pre op transsexual I wouldn’t be taking the mick (well not as bad anyway) but not he was a ‘normal’ West Essexer.

It seems that slowly but surely the men in this area are doing more preening, straightening, plucking and waxing than the whole of girls allowed put together and I for one am not happy.
Like most women I take pride in my appearance there are some occasions (every week in fact) when I will jump in my car with my ‘Saturday morning hung over, picking up breakfast attire’ which consist of pyjamas and sports wear and some very battered Birkenstocks. There are times when I don’t wear a scrap of make up and my roots are so bad I am at the stage of trying on hats and considering head scarves. So with that in mind why the hell would I want to go with someone who makes me feel inadequately dressed all the time and even puts the rubbish out with perfect hair? Where have all the real men gone? Ok so general hygiene is a MUST but I know men that go to salons and get their eyebrows done and their hair coloured and cut every week! No thank you, in my eyes you should have more important things to worry about like working to provide (for me) in a physical or mentally challenging job so when you get home we have lots to talk about and I can look at you with respect. The thing is a man getting more feminine actually turns us off, men take note! Ok there are many celeb men that we liked when we’re 16 like Leonardo Di Caprio and Corey Haim but as you get a bit older and you want a big strong protective man to wrap his arms around you so you feel protected. Not a smooth skinned tanorexic who is worried about breaking a nail. I have been wanting to write about this for ages but needed to collect a bit more evidence and now I have. Most of my friends feel the same and I have been very observant over the last few weeks and this is what I have come up with.
I was trying to work out the reasons behind it and I honestly think that the more women take control the more men are sitting back and saying ‘ok lets swap’. I mean they are taking time out to make themselves look ‘pretty’ for heavens sake, what is that about? These days women work just as hard as men and are every inch the provider in the family and also within the couples unit. Which is great but the backlash of this is that men (armed with mentality of the ‘woman at home’ which was abandoned with Reebok Classics) have decided they want a slice. They are confident now that they can count on us both financially and for emotional security that their quite happy relaxing into their new less powerful roles. It’s almost as if subconsciously they are turning the tables and saying ‘you wanted equal rights now you’ve got them but we want them too!’.

I know how this sounds and there is no one more grateful than me for what the suffragettes did Germaine Grere, Anne Widocome and other feminists of our time have some valid points BUT I think its come back to haunt us and we only have ourselves to blame! Now it seems there is a choice between pretty boy lemon or totally male chauvinists white van man, ok so I am generalising but I don’t care, I have got no reason to be diplomatic – I don’t care if either category hates me!
Ok so once again I have got mega deep and slightly political but as you get older fewer things get to you, and when they do you have to let rip and lately the boys of Essex are making the boy bands on the nineties look more manly and Mark Owen looked like a 12 year old girl so that’s saying something!
So with that in mind and if any of you pretty boys are reading this, stop the eyebrow shaping, the manicures and the several trips to the hairdressers and you might get a girlfriend who doesn’t want to share your beauty products. Instead you will meet girls that are more interested in surrender to your manly ways and letting you have a bit more of that control that makes you feel a bit more masculine….. Shit I am going to get so many repercussion from this, please don’t hit me with your GHD’s!!!!

P.S Love to all my wenchys..

P.P.S Get Jen out of Big Brother, whats with all the crying over a shite painting.. I have never wanted to be in Big Brother as much as I do this year. If I went in and was still in after throwing a shoe at Alex then I would have got that poor excuse for a painting and made a hole, which I would put my face through and wear it for the rest of the show.....

Essex & The City 22

Posted on Monday, 2nd June 08

So the adventure begins for the ‘detox eight’, formal known as party animals, Caroline, Sophie, Lucie, Ellie, Natalie, Zoe, Lu Lu & Dan (Ellies boyfriend)! Our mission? To be thin & brown & altogether more healthy! Realistically (and this is no exaggeration) the last time my body was completely sober, cellulite free and had enough energy to walk up more than one flight of stairs was probably when I was about 9. I can’t remember a time in the last 10 years when I didn’t feel tired and sluggish unless I was exercising regularly and watching everything I ate. Its fair to say that I (and the rest of the girls including Dan) like a good drink, we are regular restaurant frequenters and the only exercise we tend to do is dancing in 195! In need of a detox? I think so!
Ok so going to Thailand to for just a week in order to have two colonics a day, be up at 7am (I wasn’t aware there was an AM) & replace food with which can only be described as a clay milkshake. To others this may have seemed a bit crazy, however when you have as much self control as the detox 8, then it requires something this drastic! Plus Ellie & Dan have done this three times before and assured us we would love it! Although this is coming from a couple who once told me when we were in Marbella that she was on a million pound boat in the port and to meet her there. As we walked up the gangway my phone rang, it was Ellie, ‘ha ha not really’ she was watching and laughing at the opposite restaurant, we were nearly inside the boat with a French couple we didn’t know. So, was ‘trusting’ Ellie’s word one to take seriously? To late to turn back now!
The first few weeks prior to going I was a little bit apprehensive, funnily enough not about the not eating party, it was more to do with the colonics twice a day. For those of you who don’t know what a colonic is please read EATC 3 for the review on my first ever one. Briefly though, it’s basically when a small tube is inserted up your bum & water goes in & out in order to flush out your stomach and cleanout all the left over waste that hasn’t been digested. Some people have said they haven’t eaten red meat for years but it’s come out in a colonic. It really helps with digestive problems, it helps relieve bloating and best of all it gives you a flat tummy! So that’s a brief explanation of colonic, relieving and slightly satisfying. Ok so that I can handle once every few months but twice a day? After not eating all day every day, what the hell is suppose to come out!
Putting that to the back on my mind I was feeling pretty confident & although my intention was to be v thin & v brown (my dream see EATC 1) I was hoping to come away with something in the way of an inner strength! (Ooh look at me getting deep!), something I have been lacking lately.

Arriving at Heathrow you would have thought that the detox eight were never going to see food or drink again! We stuffed & stuffed & stuffed we had the fortune of getting in the first class lounge where everything was free! At one point I had three mini muffins in my mouth, ok they were mini but three at one time is just greedy! Cheese & biscuits, bagels, crisps, twiglets and once on the plane the stuffing didn’t stop there, if the air hostess would have bought up an old leather shoe I think I would have even eaten it! I think it was because of the thought of not eating for 7 days made us panic, and panic can make you do very gluttonous things, like ask for seconds of plane food when the first tastes like rubber to start with! I had a realization on the flight whilst demolishing my 3rd bag of twiglet, ‘in 13 hours we won’t be eating for a whole week’!!. It was then I started to worry about the hunger bit, WE MUST BE CRAZY!
Arriving at Bangkok where the stuffing continued and although it was 7.30am we felt we needed at least one Thai curry, well when in Rome is what I say and we weren’t sure if we would even get a chance to sample Thailand’s delicacies! We were behaving a bit like squirrels storing their food in their cheeks for the winter, sort of the same, although we weren’t storing, we were swallowin and getting it then planning to get it sucked out twice a day for a week! Once again, WE MUST BE CRAZY!

So at Bangkok airport we then get a connecting flight to Koh Samui & the plane (which looked like the propeller’s had been weaved by the people on shipwrecked!) was slight scary and I am not a nervous flyer but even I was hoping to get there in one piece!
Anyway we did and once we touched down into Samoui airport, which can be described only as a hut we got in our car that was to take us to Koh Samui resort, it was then that I was getting excited!
The bumpy drive through the jungle brought us to a stunning resort, with its own private beach, wooden beach houses and our own private pool, it was perfect. Our rooms where lovely modern we had air con, TV and even a computer (FACEBOOK!).
We arrived at the resort quite late so decided to start the detox first thing in the morning and instead enjoy our last supper, I am surprised we could stuff anymore in to be honest but we managed! We then were to meet our mentors and advisors for the first time, these where the people who would be guiding us through our detox mission or as we expected, the sadists!
Introducing…. Sentha and Frank or as we aptly named them ‘a picture of health one & two’. Why I hear you ask, well that’s what you thought of them the minute you met them they both looked about 20 years younger than they looked (Soph did the right thing and found out how old they were). They both had glowing skin and bright eyes and just generally glowing. Ok so they’d lived in Thailand for five years and probably detox every few months, plus I doubt they burn the candle as much as the detox 8 do. However they said that we too by the end of the week would feel and look just as fantastic! Now we were getting eager!
We went through everything we’d be doing and were shown how to make the ‘clay shakes’ this would not only fill us up (remember no food!) but it would also cleanse our insides and scrape out any rubbish… how charming! We also had to take 6 tablets every few hours, they were herbal so nothing to worry about but also used for de clogging the rubbish in our systems and no they weren’t speed! We were told that when we weren’t drinking clay or swallowing more tablets than boots we would be doing things like yoga and meditation, both of which I really like. This is going to be good I thought and after the chat with our advisors we all felt really positives bring on day one, I mean how hard can drinking clay, mixed with what looked like dry porridge with apple juice be 5 times a day?

Day 1

First drink of the day, wasn’t that bad, tasteless really apart from the juice a bit lumpy though, grainy a bit like a mixture of cold porridge and sand. It did fill me up all day and I can’t believe I’ve done a whole day of not eating; usually it’s a struggle for me to refuse my 7th biscuit! Did yoga for the first time and really enjoyed it we only got the giggles a couple of times ha ha! We were then surprised to hear that we were allowed one vegetable broth a day, after yoga. Its basically vegetable water with a bit of spice and it was really, really nice. We were also allowed coconut water, which I have when I go to Portobello Road, its lovely! Took the tablets for the first time too, they were ok they were capsules so easier to swallow than tablets. Had my first massage, it was amazing and cost about £4, so cheap! Tonight we were shown how to do the colonics on ourselves! Err hello! I thought we would have a highly trained colonier to help! There was a board put in our bathroom and ‘picture of health one & two’ went through what we had to do. It was ok actually… very productive..Ahem. It was the thing I was worried about so am pleased I am ok with it!

Day 2

7am wake up call, managed all five drinks and all tabs. Sentha upped the yoga this morning, so it ended up being a really good workout. Went exploring where we saw the first of many yaks and were nearly chased by two dogs… Should never have gone off the beaten track! Found a 5 star hotel with amazing treatments, still does not appeal to us, we are here to detox! Also just one bit of toast would be nice I think but the thought soon passes. Had two colonics today (woo hardcore) and I already feel like I’ve lost weight….Everyone weighs themselves but me, my theory is unless the scales come up 7 stone then I will never be happy so what’s the point of depressing myself on the scales! We also went to Natong market and got a few bags and sunglasses, everything is soo cheap, Natong is like the capital of Koh Samoui, it was nice but sooo much tempting food about! We were all in bed by 8, ha ha how sad are we!

Day 3

Feel really tired today, had a few weird dreams last night, apparently that’s quite normal. Morning shake was a bit of a struggle for all of us but the day did get better. Sophie had a treatment with Centar to help with her asthma, it was called ‘crano sacral therapy’ she said she didn’t feel a lot different afterwards but apparently she will see the effects tomorrow. Two colonics again, this time one with coffee in the water apparently it’s good for you. We went to fisherman’s village today, another sort of market town. It was ok but again so many restaurants and food stalls, I felt a bit weak and spaced out because I hadn’t had my shake – you need to drink those shakes!

Day 4

My shake did not go down well this morning but the girls got me through it, they are all so encouraging and it really helps, for all of us. Plus as we are up so early we went to see the waterfall and feed the elephants it was beautiful! Back at the resort I had bought one of my bikinis out here that I looked rough in and I put it on and my muffin top had disappeared, I couldn’t believe it! Plus Sophie had lost 5 pounds! This was just the incentive we needed to get through this day. Plus Sophie’s breathing in her sleep was so much better after the crano therapy and she hadn’t even used her pump this morning! We are now all trying to think of things wrong with us so we can have it! I whack Ellie on the head but it actually makes her better rather than ill. Had a lovely coffee salt scrub on the beach, my skin felt amazing! Sophie and I had one together and were given some very attractive ‘natural’ coloured knickers to wear… if anyone was that colour naturally I would say they had jaundice! Am so over food, but still feel a bit weak. Sentha took my pulse and said my body is exhausted, which is true been worrying a lot about job, family and boyf, its making me tired. Things need to change when I get home!

Day 5

I am trying not to even think about my next clay shake, they are starting to get so ming now. The only incentive is that tomorrow is the last day! I can’t believe I haven’t eaten for 6 days, my tummy is soo flat, I have (as have the other girls) lost weight of my arms, legs, face… well everywhere! I now wished I had weighed myself!
We all watched the sunset tonight it was beautiful, we all feel and look amazing! Took loads of pics on the beach. Early night tonight, for tomorrow evening we get to eat! Ok only raw veg but believe you me I would eat out of a bin right now if I had to! Its not that I am hungry, the drinks fill you up, it’s just that I miss the taste of everything! Apparently though after this you are supposed to be able to taste like you’ve never tasted before! Bring it on!

Day 6

The first meal in 6 days….Ok so it was only fruit but it tasted like the most amazing dish you could imagine! Today was hard, the drinks weren’t going down well at all and I maybe because I could see the end in sight, sometimes that makes things harder. Everyone weighed themselves again and we all (even though I didn’t weigh myself) have lost a stone in five days! Can you believe it and not only that, we are also brown and feeling wonderful!
At our final meeting we were given a list of other foods that we could eat to break the fast, it’s mainly salad, fruit and veg but that’s fine with me as long as its food!
Going home tomorrow and I really really don’t want to as we’ve had such a brilliant time and if I was to sum up this holiday in three words it would be, amazing, challenging and hilarious! I am definitely coming back next year!

In conclusion my detox experience in Thailand was amazing and for us it’s the start of an altogether healthier life, once you’ve felt like we have there is no going back to feeling like we did. People thought us girls (and Dan) were crazy doing something like this and back then I understood, but now, now we look and feel amazing both mentally and physically. We challenged ourselves to the max and we did it, we encouraged each other and kept the prize in sight, looking and feeling amazing. Yes, we were hungry at times but what tends to keep you going is the thought of how satisfied you will feel after that first meal, that and the fact that if you’d gone with seven amazing people like I did, you would have no problem getting through it too. This detox isn’t for everyone, some people don’t have the strength of the detox eight, we are POWER but if you do then please try it you won’t believe how brilliant you feel!

Well done girls (and Danny) I am so proud of us all!

New You Spa Samui..
Call 06 2837379
Or email for more info,

Prices vary depending on what time you go;

We paid: A week and the Koh Samui resort £120.00 for the week.
The weeks detox programme £260 for the week.
Flights, £640 plus £140 for connecting flight to koh samui return.

The Allen Car Stop Smoking Clinic - No not the comedian!

Posted on Wednesday, 14th May 08

My initial thought when I was asked to review the Allan Carr Easy Way Clinic (the magical place that is suppose to stop you smoking) was scepticism but also I was a little bit scared. Although I knew that smoking was bad for your health, a waste of money and makes your clothes and hair smell the thought of actually never smoking again really worried me. What if this 5 hour session worked & I actually did stop smoking? After having had this habit for so long the thought of giving up made me feel nervous like I was going to miss it. I started to reminisce about all those times when I had enjoyed having a cigarette, I remembered how satisfying it was to have one when you really really fancied one or after you’ve eaten or with a glass of wine. I was loving the new trend since the smoking ban, of smirting ‘smoking and flirting’ outside various clubs and bars and how nice it was to chat to other smokers. Even writing this and pondering about it makes me think ‘If I enjoy in that much then why bother giving it up?’ I need to force myself to think of its bad points. So here goes, I hate having to buy cigarettes, having to need something and the fact that I spend at least £100.00 a month on them is equally as annoying. I hate smoking in the cold or rain or on my own outside because none of the other girls smoke. I hate how I couldn’t settle at home or on a long journey unless I knew I had enough cigarettes to last me. I hate my hair & skin look dull and teeth looking discoloured. I hate that feeling when you’ve smoked yourself silly at a party the night before, dreading the first cigarette of the day but knowing you need it. I hate having to cover up the fact that I still smoke from my dad who has recently had a heart transplant – if he had smoked he wouldn’t have survived. Then there’s the guilt on TV of all those adverts, the NHS helpline constantly trying to help & the warnings on the cigarette packets. I hate walking down the street smoking, I look rough! I hate the head rush you get when you have your first fag of the day. I hate the fear I feel when I get a cough, convinced this was it! I hate the fact I can’t run more that a minute without near enough collapsing and most of all I hate that I am addicted to something as pathetic as a smoking when I am otherwise quite sensible! Right now I am ready!

Armed with all the thoughts of the above I am on the train my way to Wimbledon for my Allan Carr session. I am still nervous still and apprehensive plus due to my bad journey planning I have just realised I am actually going to be late. Half of me is slightly relieved that there is a chance I will miss my session, thus putting off the stopping of smoking but half of me just wants to get it over with, I have been worrying about it for the last two weeks! I ring the clinic and they assure me I will still make it, Damm! This is actually going to happen or worse what if I go there and it doesn’t happen! What if there is no cure for my smoking! That is an even more horrific thought!

Rushing in the clinic and I am the last person arrive and sit myself nervously into on of the comfy but very unattractive chairs sort of like the ones you see in an old peoples home. All the chairs are the same and I feel my mind wondering..... How did they manage to get so many of one hideous looking chair.. Right focus! See this is the problem with me how am I going to listen to this very nice lady talk me out of smoking if I find it so hard to focus? I am going to try!

After what seemed like 10 minutes (but was actually an hour) of discussions and talking about the reasons why we smoke etc. we are sent out for a cigarette break and there are breaks throughout the day, including smoking your last cigarette with the rest of the group. Once in the smoking room I overheard a few people saying things like ‘I don’t know how this is going to work’ and ‘I can’t see how it can work’ it was clear that people had come here because they were desperate to give up and the thought of not doing it made them really scared. It made me realise how powerful a hold it has over people and that it’s a terrible addiction.
Part two of the seminar and this is what really hit home with me just how pointless smoking is, they were talking about absent minded smoking, smoking and not even realising you’re doing it but lighting one up out of sheer habit and this is something I always do. They also spoke about what we thought smoking did for us, like relaxes us and helps us concentrate – a massive contradiction what other drug both relaxes you and helps you concertrate it just doesn’t exist! Another hour and half gone and time for lunch and more cigarettes where at this point I started to feel really silly for smoking!
The next part of the seminar went on to explain the health risks and why as such rational people we do something that will eventually kill us also that when we started smoking we never actually signed up to it for life, which proves how addictive it is.
After some relaxation exercises in the fold back chairs (ahh comfort rather than style!) it was time for the last cigarette ever and to this day that cigarette has remained the last for me!
It might sound really boring reading a review about the Allan Carr clinic and this is only a very brief outline but all I can say is that its been 2 weeks and I am a non smoker in fact I feel like I have never smoked and I don’t miss it from life one bit, in fact I have more time to think, more energy and I feel completely free. I would recommend this stop smoking method more than any others because it makes giving up smoking easy and an enjoyable experience like you’ve really achieved something! Give it a go you’ve got nothing to lose!!!!!

The Grapevine - Authentic greek restaurant, Woodford!

Posted on Thursday, 17th April 08

Over the years there have been many attempts to introduce different types of ‘authentic’ restaurants to this area, some have failed and some have gone on to be one of the landmark eating establishments within our golden triangle. The Grapevine has the ability to be one of those significant eateries and one of the few that has the standard to guarantee its longevity in West Essex.

It was refreshing for me to go to a restaurant other than the Bel Sit where the staff were equally as friendly. One of the beauties of the Bel Sit (and what makes it so popular) is that they make everyone every customer feel equally as important and although after all these years and numerous visits you are wise to the fact that they do it to everyone, you still feel like a special customer. The Grape Vine has the same way about it but because of its décor, layout & of course food it made for a much more sophisticated dining experience. They didn’t ship you in & ship you out, it was a lot more relaxed and laid back. The staff were lovely and extremely efficient, they constantly had their eye on what stage you were at throughout your meal but not in an intrusive way. They were constantly on hand for more drinks and clearing of your table but again in a delicate manor rather than making you feel like you should leave as soon as you’ve had your last mouthful. I was also impressed by their knowledge of the food they were serving and the wine they would recommend to go with it, to me that is professional and more importantly shows they are interested in what their doing rather than just serving.

The Grape Vine’s authentic Greek fare included excellent Humus, lamb kofte & a varied selection of both hot and cold Mezze. Along with this there were a selection of steaks, chicken & fish and some tasty looking vegetarian options. The side dishes complimented the mains and the wine list was excellent.

The menu was varied but not overpowering and one of the things I loved most about the food was the fact they had such large selection dishes from the grill. Not only did it give everything that home cooked with a hint of the Mediterranean taste, it was also healthy!

To start my Grapevine experience we were welcomed at the bar with two glasses of house white, it was a lovely soft pinot, chilled & in a really big glass which is just how I like my wine to be. Once seated I opted for the halloumi to start, which is my favourite cheese and which was THE best I have ever had!

For main I had the fish kebab, which came with rice, salad and the most amazing chunky chips. The fish was tender and not dry in anyway (which can sometimes happen when you grill fish without the skin on) instead it was juicy and succulent. Now you might be mistaken for thinking that I haven’t got a sophisticated palate but this is not the case and even if it was The Grape Vine has enough dishes to suite all tastes so it wouldn’t matter anyway.

My boyfriend Jeff had the spicy sausage & hummus to start & the fillet steak and Cypriot potatoes for main. Of course I had to taste it (much to his annoyance) and it was amazing, the fillet steak melted in the mouth and the potatoes where roasted perfectly.

The Grapevine is without a doubt going to be a big eating influence on this area, along with providing their customers with an amazing Mediterranean dining experience in a relaxed atmosphere; they also have exceptional service and heavenly food! The complete dining experience!

The Grapevine 0208 504 2545
24 The Broadway
Woodford
Essex
IG9

Essex and the City 21

Posted on Wednesday, 12th March 08

There has been a baby epidemic in this area at the moment and I can’t work out if its because we had such a rubbish summer, a boring winter or the fact that TV lately (excluding Harry Hills TV burp) is absolutely rubbish, I mean how many programmes do they want to show about losing weight? Supersize V’s superskinny with the ever so ugly Gillian McKeith, if you are what you eat then she must be eating a hell of a lot of Llamas and if eating healthy makes you look like that then I think I’ll avoid the mung beans thank you. I know we’re a nation obsessed with weight but how many different ways do they need to be told! The funniest one is 3 fat brides, one thin dress (also with Gillian) ha ha surely that proves that no matter how fat you are there will always be someone fatter wanting to marry you, so what’s the worry? Then there’s How To Look Good Naked, which is slightly contradictory to anything on channel 4 that bangs on about losing weight because its sending out the message ‘be happy with what you’ve got and flaunt it’ so if you just watch that, you don’t need to watch the other rubbish. Apparently the presenter (Gok Wan) used to be really really fat which I can sort of see. Its funny isn’t it sometimes no matter how skinny a person gets (e.g. Sonia from Eastenders) they will always look fat? It’s like you can still make out that fat person screaming to get out. I don’t like Gok there is something about him that makes me think that he’s taking the piss, I was looking on the website and there was a section of ‘Gok’s top tips’ this was my favourite: Wax and shave the hair on your body – your muff area should always be maintained niceeeeeeee great journalistic terminology and it wouldn’t surprise me if Gok has indeed got a muff himself! So rubbish TV maybe that’s the cause of the bambino epidemic in the area not that it’s a bad thing, my friend Laura has just given birth to THE most cutest baby called Teddy, he is gorgeous, it made me broody for about 15 minutes but after a cup of something sweet & strong and two neurofen that feeling slowly passed. Its not that I’m not broody, I am, but I just feel like there is other things I need to do first.. Like earn a million! I have been saying that since I was 15 and its got to the stage where a million in decreasing in value as the years go by, I’ll get to 80 years old and buy a loaf of bread and a lottery ticket for a million and be one of those old people that say, to anyone that will listen ‘in my day a million pounds was a lot of money’ to which the adolescent teenager on his hover board will reply ‘yea and I bet in your day you had to drive everywhere!’

I wonder if we will be flying everywhere by the year 2070 can you imagine air rage, I don’t think getting out at the lights to berate someone would really work in that instance and if you hit someone or where getting chased by the police you could so easily lose them in the sky ‘quick grey cloud get behind it’. How would traffic wardens function though? I bet they’d have wings, or vehicles that never ran out of the fuel that made them fly, or they’ll just invent robot traffic wardens! Well whatever they decided you can be sure they’d find a way, the bastards! You really do have to be a certain kind of person to be a traffic warden don’t you, I mean you must want to do that job because I think I’d rather be a dustman who ok can be equally hated when you get stuck behind their trucks but I would still rather clear up peoples shit than be a traffic warden. What kind of person would want to be a traffic warden and how exactly do they ‘ward traffic’ I never see them when I am stuck in jam pacing up and down doing their best to help ward the traffic I have however seen them give a ticket to an ambulance! Ok maybe they have now been given the name ‘parking attendants’ but have they ever attended to your parking? Nor mine. If they really are what they say they are then what’s to stop us pulling up to a traffic warden jumping out the car giving him/ her (there are women ones, ugly) your keys and said ‘ere mate attend to the parking of that for me, I’ll be back at three’. Now I am sure that they would not attend to my parking then, no but they will attend when my ticket was four minutes over its time, or slap me with fines twice when outside my own house and once when I did have a valid ticket that was printed faded! Now correct me if I’m wrong but those traffic wardens/parking attendants do not do their jobs properly. So for that I going to continue to tell them so by means of shouting obscenities, throwing rubbish at them, following them home sticking a home made sign outside their house, ‘a traffic warden lives here’. Then when they have to move because they are being terrorised by the neighbours I am going to watch them load up their removal van and tell the police they looked like there were some suspicious items being put in the van (and which I had earlier planted) and watch and smile while they get arrested and or better still make a citizens arrest and when they scream and say ‘you can’t do this’ I am going to state ‘am I not a citizen? Therefore I am authorised to make a citizens’ arrest, just doing my job’. Yes that’s the plan so if you know of any traffic wardens and more importantly where they live then please please let me know. When I worked at Kiss, streetboy used to do this thing where he stood in a high street with a mega phone and if a traffic warden went past he would should ‘TRAFFIC WARDEN ALERT, TRAFFIC WARDEN ALERT’ it was so funny, he got told to move on all the time but the ever relentless he just kept coming back it was brilliant and worth thinking about doing round here!

Right enough about traffic wardens they’ve taken up far to much of my valuable time already I am just going to round up this delightful piece of literature by explaining what is actually entailed on my detox trip to Thailand in May, firstly you don’t eat for the whole time you’re there, instead you drink drinks made our of clay, take herbal tablets and to pass the time you mediate and do yoga. Secondly you have colonic twice a day and go for runs on the beach. Now am I right in the thinking that the after not eating, running and taking herbal tablets that when it comes to the colonics the only thing left to come out of you would be your actual insides? But hey if it makes you lose weight then sod it! Its better than anything Gok or Gillian recommends and at least you can do it in the sun! I am slightly worried though but at the same time I think we will have a laugh either that or want to strangle each other there aren’t many people that you can go on holiday with at the best of times let alone when you’re all struggling under the pressure of not bloody eating! It will be nice to do something different though and I will reward myself to a trip to Ibiza when I get back or maybe somewhere a bit more exotic I haven’t decided yet.
So that’s about all I am going to waffle on about this month so until next time, ta ta, au revious, arrivederci, adios, laters!

, ,

P.S I would like to thank all my wenches and my friends for really helping me through this time with my dad, he is on the mend and will be home soon thank goodness – longest year of my life!

P.P.S I would also like to thank Gal for finding my 21st video and putting it on DVD for me.. It was so lovely to watch and made me realise how long we’ve all been friends. It’s only a shame we haven’t got a video of the ‘Mean It!’ Party… Ha Ha

P.P.P.S Enough of the cardigans boys, so 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Essex and the City 20

Posted on Wednesday, 6th February 08

I have said it before but I will say it again, why is it that when people are in a relationship they insist on saying ‘We’ when talking about themselves, ‘we’ can’t make it, ‘we’ are sorry ‘we don’t often get the chance’… spoken by just one person! I think to myself why not just hold up a bit banner saying ‘Yes I have a boyfriend/girlfriend, I am with someone, I am not single I am part of a pair!’ For goodness sake at what point did you turn into the same person with only one mouthpiece!

As you may have gathered all that ‘we’ business is not for me, its lovely to have met your ‘soul mate’ and to really feel close to someone but retaining your independence is also vital for a healthy relationship and don’t give me all the ‘I go out with the girls all the time’ I bet you only do that only because he’s arranged to go out! That’s another thing, I can’t bear these girls that feel the need to (as Sophie and I put it) to stalk their own boyfriend or use their insecurities to play some sort of game, what’s that about? Their boyfriends go out and they have to match it by going somewhere better or they end up meeting up with them afterwards so what’s the point of going out separately in the first place! Plus if you’re both going out drinking of course you’re going to row when you meet up, he wants a night off and you want to p*ss him off it’s like, ‘How dare he want to spend one night apart from me!’ I have seen it so many times it’s so childish!

Anyway back to the ‘we’ thing I am not finished ranting about it! Now it’s more understandable if people have been together for 60 years but not two months its winds me up, badly! My Nan and granddad who have been together 65 years and they don’t refer to themselves as ‘we’ and still both do their own thing and I would say are massively independent so maybe that’s the secret!
I sometimes wonder if you’ve been with someone for so long, do you end up making a massive sort of break through, where you hearts connect and you don’t even have to speak to know what the other one is thinking. If that does exist then how long before that happens? And do you have to go through a lot to get there? I have always dreamed of reaching that stage but seem to give up at the first hurdle, as soon as things get a little bit tricky I run or I think about running for about a year and then do it! Does anyone else do that? I am sure they do, I can’t be that weird… Actually there’s a good chance!

With different relationships I’ve had in the past I often think to myself, well I could work at this but then I don’t think its worth it in the long run and I can’t be bothered. I wonder why this happens and more importantly how I am going to change it? This month I have been thinking a lot about it and this is what I came up with!
Firstly I thought, well maybe if you meet the right person then it’s easier to make things work, that might seem a little obvious, what I mean is, maybe you meet someone, you think they’re the right person, then things get tricky and you realise you can’t be bothered so they must be the wrong person?? I have just read that back and even I don’t get it! When I say the ‘right’ person I mean the one that is right for you rather than what the right person could transpire to be on paper. With me I have reached that phase many times (I am known to rush into things) I think the person I’m with is someone they’re not and then I spend the next few months criticising their every move because I am convinced they’re not right for me and need other reasons to back up but the fact that I will finish with them. In a sick kind of way when they do eventually f*ck up or let me down I think to myself ‘well I knew it’ and its almost feels comforting to be right a bit like better the devil you know or better the situation you’re used to.
Another theory I have for working at a relationship is the ability to commit and really put yourself on the line, how many times (an possibly more guys do this) do you argue with your partner or do something really wrong and in order for you not to split up you offer things like ‘I’ll act differently’ ‘I won’t go out as much’ etc etc.. In other words you are forced into commitment? You end up living like that until the next time you f*ck up! You end up acting a certain way in order to keep a person usually because of fear of being on your own or because just this time you hope you’ve found the person that it’s worth trying for?

So if it is commitment I’m scared of what then? I am a Gemini after all and anyone that has come into contact with the Gemini knows they want it all. Sometimes I daydream about being married and having two children, other times I dream of travelling round America on my own! Even I find myself hard to live with! I have often thought that when I get married it will be a case of ‘lets just do it before I change my mind’ that way once I’m married I will have to make it work because there is other reasons for it and it’s the same with children. So maybe that’s the answer? I can’t bring myself to do it though! When people say ‘you have to be ready’ I think well on a Monday I am ready but come Friday I am slagging off everyone that uses the word ‘we’ and dread ever getting to that stage! I am my own worst enemy I know but I honestly think that either I haven’t got the ability to commit or just keep thinking about taking that next step to much either that or I am just weird.. let’s face it; it could be any of them!

P.S I have booked to go to Thailand in May with Ellie, Sophie, Natalie, Dan, Zoe Lucy and hopefully Becks but she’s scared but then who can blame – it’s called Spa Samui and it’s a detox week. Colonic twice a day, meditation, yoga and massage, I can’t wait! Have a look if you http://www.spasamui.com. Plus I am dragging Ellie to Spain & hopefully Soph if I can coax her out of lighter life for a week! So lots of things to look forward to and lots of fun, now that is something I can commit too! I do wish that miss Lowman and Pav were coming though.. But there are going in 2 weeks, lucky things!

P.P.S whilst looking through Facebook lately there are lot of people my age and even a few years younger who are getting the faces they deserve. Ha Ha I love that!

P.P.P.S Lau, I hope by the time you read this that Teddy is here because he is taking ages!

P.P.P.P.S If you’re single this Valentines Day then get to speed dating at Bar 195! £20.00 per ticket, limited places available call 01992 572 195 for details!

P.P.P.P.P.S Look at Super Bobby (my house rabbit)

Getting High

Posted on Monday, 4th February 08

Throw yourself out of a plane? Okay then, throw yourself off a bridge? Still no? Oh, alright then – somersault on a motorbike? Now we’re talking. Whatever you’re into, fancy trying, or are just intrigued to find out how much your adrenaline will rush – with or without a parachute – in Magazine has stuck its neck out and thrown its own body weight around to heighten its sense of adventure. Now, when we say jump…

Motocross

Motocross (often shortened to MX or MotoX) is a form of motorcycle sport or all-terrain vehicle racing held on enclosed off road circuits. Motocross is derived from the French, and traces its origins to British Scrambling competitions. Evidently, Motocross was first known as a British off-road event called Scrambles, which were themselves an evolution of Trials events popular in northern Britain. The first known Scramble took place at Camberley, Surrey in 1924. European motorcyclists adopted the event and gave it a slight makeover, shortening the tracks and adding laps and a few man-made obstacles like jumps.

During the 1930s, the sport grew in popularity, where intense competition over rugged terrain led to technical improvements in motorcycles. The period after the Second World War was dominated by BSA which had become the largest motorcycle company in the world. BSA riders dominated international competitions throughout the 1950s. Fast forward to the early 1980s, and Japanese factories preside over a technology boom in motocross.

Recently, the sport has evolved with sub-disciplines such as stadium events known as Supercross and Arenacross held in indoor arenas. Freestyle (or FMX) events where riders are judged on their jumping and aerial acrobatic skills have gained popularity, as well as Supermoto and Vintage Motocross events. Factoid: The National Sport Health Institute in Englewood, California tested several professional motocross racers in the early ’80s as part of a comparative study of the cardio-vascular fitness of athletes from various disciplines. Athletes from track, American football and soccer were tested, among others. The cardiac stress and strength test results compiled there revealed that the
motocross subjects had higher fitness levels than any other discipline tested. Motocross racers now get their heart rate up to around 180 to 190 beats per minute and hold it there for about 35 minutes.

Skysurfing

This is regarded as just about the most dangerous – but also most exhilarating – of all extreme sports, and requires a lot of training. Skysurfing sounds as if it’s just messingabout - fun, but is in fact distinct skill requiring considerable practice. The jumper must also learn to control the board and their body position so as to open the parachute in a stable configuration. More advanced aerobatics such as loops, rolls and helicopter spins are difficult and are only tackled once the basic manoeuvres have been mastered.

All Skysurfing performances take place in the four dimensional stadium in the sky called freefall. This is the only place where you can fly your body in all three regular dimensions: up/down, left/right, forward/backward, plus the fourth dimension of relative speed. Not even NASA astronauts get to play in four dimensions. In freefall, you can cheat the boundaries of time and space but only a minute at a time.

When a skysurfer is filmed by another skydiver, it gives the appearance that the skysurfer is riding the air in the same way a surfer rides a wave. The downward motion is not very apparent, creating the illusion of gliding on air currents like a sailplane or hang-glider. Over the past few years, skysurfing has become relatively rare among the skydiving community. The novelty may have slightly worn off, and there are now less experienced skysurfers to train new pilots, but the thrill and excitement still exist.

Base Jumping

BASE Jumping is a sport involving the use of a parachute to jump from fixed objects. ‘BASE’ is actually the acronym that stands for the four categories from where a person can jump: Building, Antenna, Span (bridge or arch), Earth (e.g. a cliff edge).

BASE jumping grew out of skydiving. The jumps are generally made from much lower altitudes than skydives; and because BASE jumps generally entail slower airspeeds than typical skydives, a BASE jumper rarely achieves terminal velocity (the speed achieved after twelve seconds of acceleration).

BASE jumpers often use specially designed harnesses and parachute containers with extra large pilot chutes, and many jump with only one parachute, since there would be little time to utilize a reserve parachute. BASE jumping is often featured in action movies, including the famous Mount Asgard jump featured in the pre-credits sequence to The Spy Who Loved Me and from the Eiffel Tower in A View to a Kill.

The 1990s surge of interest in extreme sports saw increasing acceptance of BASE jumping, though it is still widely seen as a daredevil stunt rather than a sport. Interestingly, in the USA there is only one mass event – ‘Bridge Day’, held on the third Saturday of October every year at the New River Gorge Bridge, Fayetteville, West Virginia. This being an extremely high bridge and attracting crowds of 200,000 people, it more than caters for the adrenaline junkies who don’t like flying.

It’s All White

Posted on Monday, 28th January 08

Celeb Interview - Harry Brown

Harry Brown is the British Giant Slalom Champion 2007. He is already sponsored at the ripe old age of 16 by two major international companies, Sub-Zero and Wolf. Travelling around more miles than most people twice his age, the young slalom superstar has already achieved great things, including Double Gold – for the slalom and GS – in the Chamkoria Cup in Bulgaria 2006 and Bronze in the Czech National Championships the same year. Now with his sights set firmly on the 2010 Winter Olympics, for Harry Brown it’s all downhill from here…

Successes:

• Britain’s most successful international child skier ever.
• Three times top 15 at Topolino Children’s World Championships.
• Represented Great Britain in Youth Olympics.
• British Giant Slalom Champion 2007
• Four international podium finishes.
• Five years British Ski Team.

Facts:

Harry is a member of the GB youth team, skiing and living full time at the British Olympic base in Lofer, Austria. Since successfully completing his GCSEs Harry has started an academic sports management programmes for talented athletes and recognised future Olympians. The programme is based at Loughborough University, with tuition in Austria enabling him to race and train.

He has visited 22 different countries in the course of his ski career. Each year he takes at least fifty flights and spends many days travelling thousands of miles in the back of a mini bus. He has recently crossed The Andes in Chile. He usually needs two baggage trolleys, as he travels with eight sets of skis, his 25kg holdall and a 15kg backpack. More often than not he gets stuffed for excess luggage even when he is representing our country!

He says: “One day soon I am going to the Olympics and maybe then the airlines will let me pop me and my skis on board those big planes for FREE.”

iN: As Britain’s most successful child skier, what age did you start skiing?

HB: I started skiing when I was three years old. My dad took me and I actually didn’t like it, but then it grew on me and I started to compete when I was 9.

iN: You represented Great Britain in the Winter Youth Olympics. How was that experience for you?

HB: It was a great experience and gave me a good insight into the major competitions. I am hoping to compete again in the 2010 Olympics, so fingers crossed.

iN: Being such a jet-setter where do you actually call home?

HB: I live in Austria for the ski season and I live in the South of France out of season. When I am in Austria I live in the Great Britain Team Olympic base.

iN: What is your training regime there?

HB: I ski five or six days on and one day off per week. Skiing starts at 5.30am and we usually finish by 2pm, it’s an early start because no one else is out on the slopes.

iN: Where did you live when you were in Essex and do you get to come back much?

HB: I lived in Epping and I do sometimes come back, maybe once a year, but not as much as I would like.

iN: What is your favourite ski destination in the world?

HB: Portes du Soleil in France, it’s just amazing.

iN: What’s in store for Harry Brown for the future – what are your goals?

HB: Make a name for myself in skiing; be the best I can be and win an Olympic medal for my country and be World Champion.

New Year, New Bum!

Posted on Monday, 28th January 08

New year new bum.. These were the words I uttered to myself at the stroke of midnight. I am one of those people that while blessed with a tiny waist I have the unfortunate displeasure of child-bearing hips (although great for when I do have children) and an Anika Rice bum! Its never really bothered me before but as my jeans are fitting just that little bit tighter around and it slowly seems to be moving to the tops of my legs I now feel I need to take action!

I am one of these people that goes to the gym nearly every day or not at all and although I feel so much better when I exercise both mentally and physically its hard to drum up the enthusiasm after quite a flat Christmas and dreary January. So what’s the answer? I didn’t want to commit to the gym at the moment because I couldn’t get there as much to warrant the £75.00 a month fee and I can’t get motivated with fitness videos because I just end up sitting there watching them – although I must say Sonia from enders has come a long way since the trumpet don’t you think!

Anyway after racking my brain and as if by magic (or cosmic ordering) I came across a leaflet for Concept Fitness based in Epping A fitness studio that offers a more personal way to train and more importantly a much more informative one. They were offering six key aims 1. To be approachable friendly and fun 2.To be professional 3.Affordable 4.To be creative to your needs 5.To be a community resource and more importantly 6. To de mystify the world of personal training. I think the last aim is the most important to me personally; I have always liked the concept of personal training but had a few reservations. I was always worried that my trainer would be like one of the corporals from bad lads army and turn exercising into something I dread.

I also had the fear of not getting on with them or just not clicking I believe that exercising is quite a personal thing that can make you feel subconscious so if you can’t stand the sight of each other then that will cause a few problems! Then there’s the cost, I have heard that some personal trainers cost up to £40.00 an hour which is unrealistic and unaffordable. So I was interested to see what Concept Fitness had to offer and thankfully so was Heather so we both booked ourselves in on the same day and took the plunge.

From the moment we walked in we were shocked by the size and décor of the studio, if I am honest I was expecting it to be a small room with a large gym mat a couple of those inflatable gym balls (of which mine has never been out the box) and maybe a few weights but how wrong we were! The studio was massive with a giant mirror, weights bench and other contraptions – some I had never seen before. The changing rooms fully equipped with showers and were also lovely and quite homely with a hairdryer, towels and even hair straighteners and they were GHD’s!

After we had a nose we met Brett for the first time and straight away I felt at ease with him of course he was big and muscley but not intimidating in anyway. We started off with a chat and Brett asked us what we would like to achieve, naturally I said I want to lose weight and tone up but also focus on areas like the muffin top and big booty! Heather wanted to get some muscle’s back in her tummy after being pregnant for what seems like forever and as we were told by Brett, after you have a c section you need to re build the muscles in your stomach because they have been cut to get your bubba out so a weak tummy was to be expected!

Before we went through the exercises we needed to do, Brett mentioned that he noticed we both had a problem with posture, I knew I did because my dad constantly says ‘put your shoulders back’ and I do suffer with back and shoulder ache but I just put that down to always carrying a Mary Poppins type bag with everything in it! What was interesting to find out is that if you improve your posture not only do you look taller but also your boobs will look bigger because they are sticking out more, now I liked the sound of that!

It’s hard to believe that posture had anything to do with breathing but it does and Brett took us through some breathing exercises both on the floor and standing up and you could feel the difference. We were then talked through the weights we would be using for our problem areas and what I found interesting is posture was always something we were working on throughout doing the weights and different exercises so in the end you were doing it without thinking.

I know what you’re thinking about weights ‘but I don’t want to get muscles’ I was worried about that too, Brett said that for a woman to get muscles it would take steroids and some serious training because we just haven’t got the testosterone which I believe. I used to love body pump and did it twice a week for about a year without so much as a peanut size bump on my arms, so that I believe.

Another myth that was dispelled was that cardiovascular exercises like running helps you burn more calories than weights, this isn’t the case and weights not only burn more calories while you’re doing them but they keep your metabolism high so you carry on burning calories for hours afterwards – now I won’t feel so guilty about the chilli con carne I had when I got in that night! There was one weight that I had never seen before but was designed to eradicate the muffin over spill and it looked like a giant bell, I only did about 3 sets of 20 swings but I could feel the difference the next morning believe me and while it was easy at first I was sweating by the end of it. We then moved onto bench pressing and when Heather was doing it I could actually see her muscles working and it was the same when we did sit ups its which makes you really feel like you’re working each individual muscle.

By the end of the session I felt both mentally and physically boosted, I was tired before I went it but felt refreshed and like I had accomplished something and this was only my first session!

What I liked most about Concept Fitness was the personal service, Brett put you at ease so you didn’t feel self-conscious and was a great teacher. I walked away feeling like I had learnt something about my body, diet and shape. Its so much more that just going to a personal trainer that watches you run on the treadmill for 30 mins – I mean you can do that on your own. Concept Fitness adapts to what you need and it’s like having a nutritionist, exercise coach and physio all in one and for me it’s all you need. The studio is fabulous and modern with all brand new equipment, plus they are having a power plate installed next week, which I have been dying to try. So all in all it’s a great place to ease you into fitness and continue your journey whether its weight loss, pain relief or relaxation. I can’t wait for next week!

P.S Concept Fitness also do classes which is perfect, also make sure you read the dietary guidelines and the hierarchy of fat loss.

Get yourself a new bum this new year!

To book a session with Brett or just get more info call Brett on 01992 579050

Rethinking Weight loss

Written by Brett Sizeland

Posted on Monday, 28th January 08

“I want to lose weight and tone up”

As a fitness trainer I am so used to hearing these immortal words on a daily basis. We are living in a very weight conscious society where we are surrounded by images of ‘healthy’ Here Brett Sizeland of Concept Fitness in Epping discusses 7 tips to healthy weight loss.

1. STAY OFF THE SCALES!

Using ‘Weight’ is one of the worst ways in which we can monitor a fat loss program. It is better to focus on your shape, or how you look and feel rather than a number on a set of scales.

*When you begin training often weight will increase due to an increase in lean muscle mass. However your physical appearance will seem more slender and you will no doubt have a reduction in body fat %

2. You cant spot reduce

Doing hours of sit-ups will not flatten your tummy. FACT.

The best way to lose body fat is to do large ‘compound’ exercises that use more than one muscle group at once, thus requiring more energy and burning more calories!

*Try squats, lunges, dead-lift type exercises. Any good instructor or personal trainer will show you how.

3. Don’t be scared of freeweights!

Stay off the ‘fixed’ weights machines that line the walls of your gym. These are usually single muscle group machines that don’t require any core muscles to work and therefore does not work your body in a functional or ‘real life’ way. Get a personal trainer to work with you on some body weight or freeweight exercises to help you strengthen and tone your whole body.

4. One mans food is another mans poison…

As already acknowledged there is wide-spread confusion about how and what we should eat and drink. Most of the information we receive as general public is through the media. Whether it’s a supermarket selling their new range of health food products, or a celebrity touting their new diet book (or even surgical procedures!) we are constantly being told how we should be feeding.

Unfortunately there is no one ‘way’ to eat healthy. We are all individuals and therefore our bodies differ from person to person. The best and safest way to achieve optimum nutrition is to eat right for your metabolic type.

By finding your metabolic type (i.e. the foods that best suit your genetic requirements) you can personalise your diet without having to follow a rigorous structure of a ‘planned diet’ and slim down without feeling any of the negative effects that most diets bring e.g. hunger, tiredness, irritability etc.

Visit http://www.mercola.com or see ‘The Metabolic Typing Diet’ by William Wolcott

5. Water, water everywhere…

Lean muscle tissue contains about 75% water. Blood contains 83% water, body fat contains 25% water and bone has 22% water. Your body needs water to function properly. Being properly hydrated is the first step toward any healthy eating and body fat loss plan. Below is a sum to work out how much water intake per day your body requires, this is MINIMUM requirement!

0.033 X Bodyweight (kg) = Litres per day water consumption.

We are designed to drink water. Fruit juices and other soft drinks often contain high amounts of sugar or caffeine, which inhibits your body’s ability to efficiently burn body fat as a fuel source.

6. Cut down on refined grains

We all need a certain amount of carbohydrates, of course, but, through our addiction to grains, potatoes, sweets and other starchy and sugary foods, we are consuming far too many. The body’s storage capacity for carbohydrates is quite limited, though, so here’s what happens to all the excess: they are converted, via insulin, into fat and stored in the adipose, or fatty, tissue.

Any meal or snack high in carbohydrates generates a rapid rise in blood glucose. To adjust for this rise, the pancreas secretes the hormone insulin into the bloodstream, which lowers the glucose. Insulin is, though, essentially a storage hormone, evolved over those millions of years of humans prior to the agricultural age, to store the excess calories from carbohydrates in the form of fat in case of famine.

Insulin, stimulated by the excess carbohydrates in our overabundant consumption of grains, starches and sweets, is responsible for all those bulging stomachs and fat rolls in thighs and chins.

Even worse, high insulin levels suppress two other important hormones - glucagons and growth hormones - that are responsible for burning fat and sugar and promoting muscle development, respectively. So insulin from excess carbohydrates promotes fat, and then wards off the body’s ability to lose that fat!

7. Lift weight to lose weight

Many people believe the best way to burn fat is to run on the treadmill for hours on end. However, one of the best ways to shape up and burn fat is to lift weights as part of your workouts. When you lift heavy weights your heart rate increases and so does your metabolism. (Thus burning more calories in your workout) The result being not only a leaner more compact physique, but more muscle means higher metabolism which leads to you burning fat even when your out of the gym!

*For those ladies who think that lifting heavy weights will make you look like Arnold Schwarzerwasshisface, you are WRONG! Women do not have the testosterone required to build significant muscle mass.

8. Don’t cut too many calories

Dropping your food intake down to one lettuce leaf a day will not help healthy body fat loss. Your metabolism will crash as a result and your body will go into starvation mode, thus holding onto body fat instead of mobilising it for energy. Try to eat little and often (small meal/snacks every 3 hours) to keep your metabolism high and your energy levels up. This is important to do because you need energy to work and play, plus without energy you will become rundown and emotional, which will leave you de-motivated from your fat loss programme!

Offers for Loop Members:

Anyone who comes to me directly from the loop will be intitled to a free 30 minute taster training session.

Anyone who books a block of 10 sessions will receive it at a special rate of £300 (saving £50) Available up until February 31st

GROUP TRAINING

To do a session(s) with you and your friends I will require £10 per head. Please let me know what you guys would like to focus on and I will structure the session accordingly!

For more information or booking details please call Brett at Concept Fitness on 01992 579050

All Working Out

Posted on Monday, 21st January 08

In an age where models are photographed stumbling out of swanky bars more often than they are in an arranged shoot, forces sweetheart Nell McAndrew is a welcome break from the stereotypical view of a glamour model. While other celebrity models have come and gone, the Leeds-born fitness fanatic, charity ambassador and marathon mum is still going strong.

Having already successfully launched three fitness DVDs, Nell returns with ‘Cardio, Core & Stretch’ and warmed down with in Magazine’s Nick Dines..

iN) So Nell, you’re back with your fourth fitness DVD this Christmas. Why do you think your fitness regimes succeed where many other celebrities have failed?

NM) Because ours is the best! I really enjoy making fitness DVDs. We all love exercise. Since the last one, two of us have had babies. I am actually one of the youngest in the group so it just shows how exercise can help keep you looking younger. Our workouts are always about making you sweat and work hard. They are easy to follow but hard to do; a real challenge. I am passionate about exercise and I think that comes through in the DVD.

iN) Nell, are you fearful for the modern demands on young models?

NM) I think it is an extremely unhealthy image to promote and for young girls to aspire to. I don’t think there should be any models used who look so unhealthy. I also think that there should be an age limit of 16, too. If the fashion industry didn’t promote such an unrealistic and unhealthy image, then fewer girls would feel pressured into starving themselves.

iN) Do you think having a diverse career and not solely relying on modelling has enabled you to avoid being caught up in the shady side of the industry?

NM) Perhaps, but I’m very untrusting of people, always wary of people I don’t know. Although, I’m sure I have been a bit naïve at times. My goal was never to be famous, it was to succeed. I have never felt so desperate that I would do absolutely anything.

iN) What would be your advice to aspiring young models?

NM) To have a back-up plan! If you pin your hopes and dreams on one thing you could be setting yourself up for a big disappointment. It’s good to have dreams but you have to be
realistic too and think about how you are going to earn a living.

iN) Who in your opinion is the sexiest woman around?

NM) I think Claudia Winkleman always looks fantastic on It Takes Two. Her skin and hair always look great and I love the clothes she wears. Flavia, one of the professional dancers on Strictly Come Dancing, is gorgeous too! Elle McPherson looks amazing, what a body!.

iN) During a period of ‘fame for five minutes’, you’ve managed to stay in the mainstream longer than many. What’s your secret?

NM) I simply work very hard, and as time goes by I try and do as many things that I genuinely enjoy. I have always loved exercise and that has become a huge part of my career now. I hate the word ‘celebrity’; I never think I am any better than anybody else, I just have a different job.

iN) Do you think your healthy, active attitude will filter through to your son Devon?

NM) Hopefully! I am really trying to teach Devon manners, introducing him to sports and give him healthy foods. If people give him any, I eat them!

iN) Finally Nell, when you manage to get a night out on the town, where are your favourite hangouts?

NM) I can’t remember the last time I had a night out on the town – I think I am in need of one! Although, by 10pm I am usually pretty knackered! My perfect night is to have a lovely bath and put my pyjamas on and watch Strictly Come Dancing! I usually chomp my way through a whole bar of Green & Black’s dark chocolate with spicy orange!

Nell McAndrew: Cardio, Core & Stretch DVD is out now. Visit Nell’s website: http://www.nellmcandrew.tv

Surviving Hangovers - Help Is At Hand!

Written by Nicola Bellamy

Posted on Monday, 7th January 08

Christmas is the time for over indulging. As well as popping too many Cadbury’s Roses in our mouths, drinking alcohol is all part and glassed wrapped parcel of the season’s festivities.

Having a few cheeky glasses of wine is fine, however what happens when a few glasses turns into a few too many! The mother of all hangovers is waiting for you. After stumbling home (if you can remember?!) and passing out. You wake up with a fur coated tongue, gasping for a drink, you are struggling to remember last night and because the vice like grip that has taken hold of your head is more than you can bear, you lay slumped in your pit all day. If like me sickness plays a big part in your hangover then you really do need to act fast as soon as you wake up, if not the symptoms can last all day. These tips from the former “hangover queen” really do work! Help is on hand…

Before a big night out, be savvy, be prepared!

Eat

For years, I was always of the thought, ooh I can’t eat a big meal before a night out, my stomach will look too big. Try a simple tuna sandwich on wholemeal bread and a glass of milk, half an hour before you start drinking. The complex carbs in the bread provide steady energy, tuna contains protein and the liver booster taurine to stabilize energy levels and the fat in the milk is perfect for a stomach liner.

Milk Thistle

Milk Thistle is one of the most effective herbs known for relieving liver disorders. Many herbalists and medical practitioners believe that Milk Thistle can protect the liver from damage caused by alcohol, chemicals, drugs, diseases, and toxic plants. Milk Thistle contains a chemical substance, silymarin, which is purported to protect liver cells in the following ways: Silymarin has anti-inflammatory effects, which keeps the liver cells from swelling in response to injury (i.e. over indulging). Silymarin seems to encourage liver cell growth. By changing the outside layer of liver cells, it also prevents certain toxins from getting into liver cells. Available at Holland and Barrett, Loughton & Epping.

Pace Yourself

Easily said than done, but you will be chuffed with yourself on the way home on the train (or “vomit commit” a friend recently called it!). Every other drink, have a lemonade or sparking water, make sure you order it when it’s your turn to go to the bar and no one will know!

When you get home… if you can manage it!

Water

One of the best preventive measures is to drink 2-3 large glasses of water before you go to bed. Drinking alcohol is very dehydrating and hydrating your system helps counteract
the effects of the alcohol.

Sports Drinks

High in electrolytes, will help replenish what the kidneys have excreted during drinking. Take before bedtime.

It’s too late now - the hangover is here!!

When you wake up, jump straight into a cold shower, harsh, but it will get the blood rushing around your body again. Once dressed, step outside into the garden and take in some fresh air.

N-Acetyl Cysteine (NAC)

Available at Holland and Barrett, Loughton & Epping. NAC is known for its mucolytic (mucous breaking) and antiinflammatory effects. NAC acts as a potent antioxidant (free radical quencher). When used for its approved indications, NAC is considered non-toxic. Inflammation of the mouth, nausea, vomiting and fever have been reported infrequently.

Ginger Beer

Ginger helps settle your stomach and calms nausea

Virgin Bloody Mary

If the churning is past the point of no return, a Virgin Bloody Mary can still help. If you are throwing up, your body is low on potassium, calcium and sodium – all of these are found in tomato juice. It’s the lack of these minerals that leaves you feeling sick and exhausted.

Banana

These are easy for an unsettled stomach to digest and contain fructose, which helps speed the metabolism of alcohol.

Drinks contain the most toxins:

1. Brandy
2. Port
3. Red Wine
4. Rum
5. Whiskey
6. Lager
7. Bitter
8. White Wine
9. Gin
10. Vodka

Here’s to hangover free party season. Have fun, drink responsibly, be happy and always get into a licensed cab!

Extreme Skiing

Posted on Monday, 24th December 07

If you are like me and have enjoyed the odd ski holiday pottering around on the slope moving from your snow plough turns into your parallels and eventually trying your luck on the moguls then you probably need some new horizons. Sure, we have all dabbled in a bit of snow boarding and spent hours sitting in the snow clipping up or standing in uncomfortable lift queues packed with Europeans talking about DJ Otzi!

So what’s left? The most exhilarating thrill of all … Heli Skiing.

Yes, if you are a competent skier and can deal with a terrain of off piste fluffy snow then you may want to step into the next world of extreme skiing. The helicopter will drop you at a remote point, usually the peak of a mountain ready for you to ‘cut’ some untouched snow and carve your way through what has been described as the ultimate freedom!

Extreme skiing is skiing performed on long, steep (typically from 45 to 60+ degrees, or grades of 100 to 170 percent) slopes in dangerous terrain. The sport is performed offpiste. Because of the extremely long, steep slopes and dangerous terrain, a single mistake at the wrong moment by some extreme skiers have led to their deaths. This distinguishes true extreme skiing from the spectacular and dangerous but not usually deadly.

Where to Heli Ski: Glaciers, open bowls and gladed tree skiing. Runs are selected by the guides who take into account the weather and snow conditions, as well as the skiing ability of the group.

Elevations: Skiing usually takes place between 3,000 and 11,000 feet, well within the comfort zone for exercising at altitude.

Skiing Ability: If you already have experience skiing off-piste in deep snow conditions, you will have no problems heli-skiing. Special powder or ‘fat’ skis will also enable strong, intermediate skiers, even those with limited off-piste skiing experience, to adapt to deep snow skiing.

Grouping: On arrival, your skiing ability will be assessed and you will be placed in a group compatible with your skiing ability and preferences. Any necessary adjustments to the groups will be made by the guides after the first morning’s skiing.

Fitness: The fitter you are the more enjoyable your heli-skiing will be and the less likely you’ll be to injure yourself.

Equipment: Powder skis are either provided or available for hire from the heli-ski operators. You should bring your own ski boots and carry them as hand luggage if possible, to avoid loss in transit.

Clothing:

• Your outer clothing should be windproof and waterproof.
• Several removable layers underneath are recommended in order to be able to adjust to different weather conditions.
• Long gauntlet type gloves are recommended and good goggles and a hat are essential.

Equipment for Heli-Skiing: Alpine skis, telemark skis, or snowboards are all welcome. Slide on whatever you are most comfortable with. The new wide body powder skis are great for all abilities. They allow you to ski a wide range of snow conditions, faster, easier and with more stability. Heli boarding is growing every season - Snowboards have a wide base and this allows you to perform well in off piste and deep powder snow.

Demand from all around the world for heli-skiing is very high. This is the ultimate form of skiing and consequently many book their heli-ski trips months in advance. Finding available space can be a key to planning your trip. Each heli-ski operator is granted an exclusive licence to a 1,000 square miles or more of mountain terrain that will include alpine skiing on glaciers and in open bowls plus steeper runs through the trees. The feature that will most affect the nature of your skiing experience will be the actual weather and snow conditions during your week.

The best Heli-Skiing to be found is in the likes of Canada, Alaska and the US. Whistler in Canada is a firm favourite as it combines a great town atmosphere for the intermediate skier and extreme skier alike. Blackcomb is a great glacier and offers tree line skiing too. Telluride in the US offers Heli-skiing in the remote southwest corner of the state of Colorado in the spectacular San Juan range of the Rocky Mountains. This is one of the highest helicopter-accessed terrains in the North America.

Unfortunately, Heli-skiing and tourist flights are banned in France for the reason that they disturb the environment and cause a great deal of noise in relation to the number of people who can benefit from this activity. However there are certain resorts in Italy and Switzerland that will offer Heli-Skiing. This is if you can drag yourself away from the gluvine and awful dance routines of Europop during après-ski… you know you love it!

Booty Lovin’

Posted on Monday, 17th December 07

When Booty Luv formed last year, never in Cherise Roberts’s and Nadia Shepherd’s wildest dreams could they have imagined how successful the franchise would turn out to be.

Formally of Big Brovaz, Cherise and Nadia’s Booty Luv breakthrough came when their debut promotional track ‘Boogie 2Nite’ spent a lengthy 17 weeks in the UK charts. Following unprecedented chart success and dance domination both at home and abroad, Hed Kandi and Ministry of Sound took little persuading to offer the girls a recording contract and the opportunity of a forthcoming album, ‘Boogie 2Nite.’ Cherise’s infectious enthusiasm was there for all to see as she took time out with in Magazine’s Nick Dines.

So tell me Cherise, why Booty Luv? Who came up with the name?

“Hed Kandi and Ministry of Sound established the name and we all loved it, after all everyone loves bums. We originally thought the project was to be a one-off track with Nadia and I moving on to other projects.”

Well Booty Luv is most certainly not a one-off, where does this leave Big Brovaz?

“Yeah everything seems to be flying at the moment, however, Big Brovaz haven’t broken up, we’re just currently concentrating on other projects. The rest of the band are really happy for us, but we do really miss the boys.”

Yeah even so, I bet sometimes it’s nice to just be the pair of you?

“Well Nadia and I now get to do a lot more girlie things, ha ha. We’ve known each other for about seven years now and we love being in each other’s company. We really loved filming the first video and there hasn’t been a bad moment since the day we signed the recording contract.”

What can we expect from the new album?

“The new album is called ‘Boogie 2Nite.’ There are three single covers including Tweet’s ‘Boogie 2 Nite,’ Luther Vandross’s ‘Shine’ and a Lucy Pearl cover of ‘Don’t Mess With My Man.’ However, we have written the rest of the material, which has proved absolutely amazing. It’s a colourful, vibrant album full of hot dance beats and smooth vocal R&B. Although we still love our R&B, we’re really into the house and dance scene at the moment. Both Nadia and I gained huge writing inspiration from each other, our friends and general everyday life.”

Having covered, ‘Boogie 2Nite,’ ‘Shine’ and ‘Don’t Mess With My Man,’ do you prefer making covers or writing your own material?

“It’s always a challenge taking on a well known cover as from the start you’re under pressure to making it sound as good as the original, but it’s always enjoyable.We really liked the positive vibes of Tweet’s ‘Boogie 2Nite’ and Luther Vandross’s ‘Shine,’ which helps.”

Ok, tough one, which track would you love to cover that you haven’t yet attempted?

“A track we would love to cover would have to be Kylie’s ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head.’ It’s such a catchy song and it does exactly what it says.”

Finally Cherise, where do you usually like to let your hair down in London and Essex?

“We always have a great time in London at venues such as China White, Funky Buddha and Tantra. Escape in Essex is also a nice little venue, a good vibe with good music.”

Discover more about the girls’ new album at http://www.myspace.com/bootyluvuk

New single, ‘Some Kinda Rush’ is out December 10th. Booty Luv’s album ‘Boogie 2Nite’ is out now.

Celeb Interview - Penny Lancaster

Posted on Thursday, 13th December 07

Famous for her “hot legs” and fun-loving personality, Penny Lancaster is now under the spotlight and over the moon at being chosen to samba around the ballroom. Penny, recently married to rock legend Rod Stewart and the proud mother of their two-year-old son Alastair, is now Epping and LA’s very own dancing queen. Penny is currently starring as a contestant in the fifth series of the hit BBC1 show Strictly Come Dancing, competing with professional dance partner Ian Waite.

Having previously appeared on many TV chat shows, including Richard & Judy and Al Murray’s Happy Hour, Penny is no stranger to the small screen – and is confidently showing her moves and cutting some rug to impress the judges of Strictly. And if she can win Craig over, she’s definitely doing something right!

Part of in Magazine’s Events Team, Claudia de Burgh Leather and her sisters Nina and Tanya, glided across the dancefloor to find out how the 6’1 model is enjoying the glitz and glamour of the ballroom…

iN) Penny, congratulations on your fantastic performances so far. Your training started in LA, how has that been?

PL) Training in LA was so laid back. We trained at our house there. The show seemed such a long way off; the time was spent with Ian and I getting to know each other, learning the techniques. Once we arrived back in the UK the nerves set in; I think I realised the seriousness and now we dance wherever we can.

iN) What has been your favourite dance to learn and why?

PL) I’ve really enjoyed learning the Samba, and the outfits are fantastic. Obviously the Jive wasn’t my dance. I think my long limbs are not compatible with the jive moves. I enjoyed the Quickstep, the first dance we learnt, that was great fun and getting great marks helped.

iN) Is performing live as nerve-racking as it looks?

PL) They are actually more nerve-racking… you feel like you’re going to throw up! My legs turn to jelly and you feel rooted to the spot, you just don’t know if you can make it to the floor!

iN) What do you think of the judges?

PL) Obviously the judges are just doing their job. They are controversial, but I expect they need to make it as entertaining as possible. I just wish they were more constructive rather than being so personal.

iN) How is your partnership with Ian Waite?

PL) Ian and I hit it off immediately. Rod and I have had him over for dinner, too. It really helps to have such a compatible partnership with regards to the routines – especially as he is taller than me!

iN) And how does Rod feel about the show?

PL) Rod absolutely loves the show. He loves the fact that it is allround family entertainment. He has been amazed how everyone is gripped by Strictly, everyone loves it.

iN) Has it been difficult to juggle training with family life?

PL) Strictly totally takes over your life. I eat, drink and sleep the show! Rod has been able to come to the show a few times, and Alastair often pops in during training or helps me practice my routines at home!

iN) You have always been very loyal and proud of your Essex roots. How have you found the support locally?

PL) The support has been overwhelming from my family and friends. I know my Essex girls have posters in their cars, badges and all sorts of ‘Vote Penny’ merchandise. That certainly keeps me going.

iN) We last saw you at this year’s Duke of Essex Polo Trophy at Gaynes Park. How did you enjoy your day?

PL) This was another fantastic day; all the Essex crowd together, and thank God the weather held out! And it’s all for such a worthwhile and important cause: The Together Breast Cancer Charity is certainly close to my heart, as we lost a very dear friend, Maria Falco, in 2005 to Breast Cancer.

iN) Who do you think is your biggest competition so far?

PL) Personally, I think Alesha is amazing. She has fantastic technique and is always absolutely spot on. Her personality and enthusiasm shine through. She’s a natural.

iN) Finally, what’s next for Penny Lancaster Stewart?

PL) I can’t actually think ahead of the show on Saturday, I am so focused day in day out on Strictly and the routines involved, so no plans at the moment!

Essex and the City 19

Posted on Monday, 10th December 07

They say ‘a relationship takes work’ firstly who the hell are they? I always imagine ‘they’ to be a group of people placed in one room and their only function in life is to answer questions, for example ‘they say you always want what you can’t have’ – erm yes, well if you wanted something you could have you’d just have it wouldn’t you?. No one ever really questions what ‘they’ say yet sometimes I find myself picking at the answer and over analysing it, getting me in all sorts of trouble and worst still, frying my brain. So this month I have picked up on what ‘they’ say and also (it seems) what a lot of what the women of Essex ‘say’ and I must admit you can be quite a negative bunch can’t you? In what way I hear you ask? Well let me explain, whenever I chose what I am going to write about in my Essex and the City column it usually stems from something reoccurring that has happened that month, something that sticks out in my head that I feel the need to discuss. This month I felt I had a whole four weeks of random comments such as, ‘all men are pigs’, ‘they’re all a bunch of wa8nkers’, ‘I don’t trust any man’ etc etc etc – get the drift? So basically if these where the group of people picked for the ‘they’ room half of us out there would actually give up looking for Mr Right and worse still never talk to a man again! Now I know that if you’ve had a bad experience it can make you bitter, that’s human nature isn’t it? But some people honestly believe that men are put on this earth to destroy us and I hate to admit it but out of the two sexes, men seem to be the least bitter when they’ve been dumped. I work with quite a lot of men and when talking about past relationships and exes I seemed to hear quotes such as ‘she just stopped loving me’, ‘she was too young’, ‘I was out drinking all the time’, as opposed to, ‘so what happened, why did you split up?’ ‘No reason, he’s just a bastard; you know what men are like’. Now I am not sure if men play it down for egos sake or that although calm now they could have been monsters during the initial break up but generally it seems unless an ex has cheated (and then they are a ‘lying bitch’) then don’t have half as much hate towards the opposite sex as women do and I am sure this is why men tend to move on quicker. Us girlies (and I am no exception) seem to hold that grudge, its hard to work out how a man could stop being bothered after such a short space of time when we are sitting there still fuming 6 months later – it can’t be healthy. I decided I would try and find out why woman can’t let go and why men can and to be honest I have struggled to come up with anything extremely substantial.

As a woman I think the bitterness towards your ex is more frustration than anything else, you’re frustrated with yourself for picking another miss match and also frustrated because he either doesn’t want you or seems to have moved on a bit to quickly and your ego takes a bit of a bashing ‘they say you want what you can’t have’ – there’s that ‘they’ again, maybe ‘they’ is your ego? Anyway by believing they’re a wa*nker, you sub consciously think it helps you to get over them but I don’t truly believe it does. It requires more work both mentally and physically to hate someone than not care about them at all, although easier said than done trust me. Sometimes I sit there thinking of ways to destroy people I hate, my mum always says ‘revenge won’t make you feel any better’ – urgh yes mother I do believe it will there are certain people I want to humiliate and am still waiting for the day, I mean how sad does that make me? It makes me realise know wonder most old people are miserable its all that anger built up inside that they didn’t release when they were younger, that’s going to be me, and the old people that seem deliriously happy – notice the use of the word ‘delirious’!

I think you should let out your frustrations and anger, I think people tend to worry so much about ‘over reacting’ that you end up not reacting at all, I know because that’s what I’m like now, maybe its an English thing, stiff upper lip and all that – good job I’m half Italian then, perfect excuse to be more fiery!

Anyway back to the subject in question, why do woman find it harder to let go? Before I go on though I must say that I think cheating is a different kettle of fish and the whole process is hard to get over, it’s understandable that it makes it difficult to re store your faith in all men but you have to remember there was a woman on the end of that cheater and if it happened round here then chances are they knew you were with them! As I can’t stress enough, girls stick together and stop hurting each other although lately that has fallen on deaf ears, every five minutes you hear of girls back stabbing each other with blokes. So your ex cheated on you, which is awful but you wouldn’t assume that every teacher was a pervert just because you read about a few sicko’s out there would you? Well actually if you went Roding Valley and the same PE teachers me then possibly! …. I think if the same kind of disaster happens with every relationship it’s hard not to generalise but at that point you really need to evaluate your choice and think of a conscious way to break the chain. I think it’s so important not to lose faith, but as anyone I know how hard that is, so how comes men are better at it than us? Could it be that women are more sensitive thus once let down by a bloke the affects can be more damaging long term? Or is it that we women always think we’re right (I don’t think I am I know I am ha ha) so therefore it’s easier to blame your partner than admit that we are partly to blame for a relationship that went wrong? It’s so hard to work it all out and as I said before there is not one main reason why it seems men find it easier to let go I think it’s a string of them but what I do know is that they say the only way to move on from something, is to make peace with it, so maybe that’s the answer and maybe that room full of ‘they’s ‘ is actually a room full on men because lets face it when it comes to letting go they seem to know something we don’t! Well who’d have thought it ay!

Until Next time

P.S Ellie has been on a ridiculous amount of holidays this year (admittedly a couple where with me) but its stops now or I am going to steal her passport…

P.P.S I have not elaborated on Christmas, I am excited although nowhere near as excited as the man at the end of my road who’s house actually lights up the whole street! For the amount of time he must spend putting up the decorations he may as well just leave them up there…

P.P.P.S Rant of the week: Recruitment agencies – AKA the lookie lookie men of the admin sector? Office angels I don’t think so… More like Office ars*******.

P.P.P.P.S Does anyone know what they are doing New Years Eve? I still don’t… I want to go on holiday – the grey skies are depressing me!

Celebrity Interview - Lee Stafford

The flamboyant Lee Stafford is one of Britain’s busiest celebrity hairdressers. From his determined beginnings cutting hair in his mum’s dining room to having salons as far-flung as Norway, Lee is constantly in demand – whether it be from regular clients or TV appearances – and his exciting salons are designed with artistic flair and styled with passion. The TV work has included This Morning (when Richard & Judy were at the helm), Weakest Link Celebrity Special, plus two series of his hugely successful fly-on-the-wall The Hairdresser on Living TV which followed his action-packed, non-stop life.

After all the hard work, Lee has gone from his first salon in Hadleigh with two stylists to now running three very successful trendsetting establishments with a team of 70 people, as well as having his own range of haircare products. And he was born in the same year that England won the World Cup, which may explain his winning streak.

But with everything the Essex entrepreneur has achieved so far throughout his fantastic voyage, Lee Stafford is most definitely cutting it…

iN) Hello, Lee. What was the idea for getting into hairdressing?

LS) It was actually a complete fluke. I didn’t want to do hairdressing when I was younger, I wanted to be chasing girls and playing football. But when I left school I started cutting people’s hair at my mum’s so, effectively, I set up shop in my mum’s dining room. I was about 16/17 at the time; I did that for six years.

iN) So how did that progress into what we see now?

LS) Soon after I started cutting friends’ hair I was encouraged by my mum to get off my backside and get a proper job as a hairdresser; she even got numbers for me and sat in on the interview. I got through the interview and started the very next day at Neville Daniel in Kings Road, so I had to travel from my mum’s in Benfleet to Chelsea every day.

iN) Did that give you the training you needed?

LS) No. I only worked there for a short space of time, there wasn’t much training going on there – not for what I wanted to be doing.

I wanted to be in the thick of the action, learning loads, styling, cutting; it wasn’t really happening there for me, so I left and decided to get myself on every course going. I became a real course junkie. I went to all the major ones like Vidal Sassoon, Toni & Guy, Trevor Sorbie… I travelled all over the place to learn everything I could.

iN) How did the first salon come about?

LS) After all the training courses, I finally stopped cutting hair at my Mum’s – I think she was really determined to get me out of the dining room! – then opened my own salon in Hadleigh near Leigh-on-Sea, which I ran with two stylists. This was the first Stafford’s, called The House That Hair Built. It grew strongly over the next six years where we worked hard to achieve the popularity and the clientele; eventually we had ten stylists and a receptionist.

iN) And then you moved the salon to Leigh?

LS) We moved to Leigh, worked on that, then in 2000 I opened my flagship salon in Wardour Street. I’ve also got one in Brighton and now two franchise salons in Norway.

iN) Who were your role models when you were training and running your first salon?

LS) It would have been the likes of Vidal Sassoon, Stacey Broughton, Trevor Sorbie – they all have great talent that stands out from the competition. I wanted to be as individual as they are. And now, Stacey is the first Director of Training and Education at LSS, which I’m immensely proud of.

iN) Do you have any favourite clients?

LS) Ronnie Wood. He’s brilliant. And I’ve learnt a lot from him, lots of lessons in life.

iN) What was it like working with Richard & Judy?

LS) It was a really good experience; it’s fascinating being in that world. Everything had to be done right there and then, and with it being live TV it was very challenging. I did that for the last year of their show. Naturally it was great publicity for me and my team.

iN) Finally what are the future plans for Lee Stafford?

LS) I want to have a salon in Russia, ten in Norway; I plan to franchise salons around England too. My ideal location would be Miami.

Anything you ever wanted to know about Lee Stafford but were afraid to ask, go to http://www.leestafford.com and discover your hairdressing fantasy in all its future glory.

Celebrity Interview - Joe Swash

From the East End to the West End, Joe Swash is making his way forward within the acting world, proving his worth with natural talent and a cheeky smile. As well as doing alright with his classic character Mickey Miller in EastEnders, Joe has been on our screens for a lot longer than we think. Ever since 1991, Joe has appeared in many soaps and dramas, from Soldier Soldier to The Bill to EastEnders, and was even in TV commercials as a baby.

With a decent acting history behind him from a very young age, this probably explains why he’s so comfortable in his latest ’Enders role – plus the fact he’s just playing himself. But it’s not often you get the luxury of doing that, so good luck to him. Maybe he should have his own TV show, Mickey, possibly the new BBC1 Friday night comedy slot? Like Tucker’s Luck was a natural progression for Todd Carty from Grange Hill, this could be just the ticket for Joe Swash. Now we’re just giving people ideas…

iN) Hello, Joe. What first got you interested in acting?

JS) I was modelling as a baby in an Andrex commercial all those years ago, but I got more seriously into acting in my teens – at the Anna Scher Young Actors Theatre in Islington – I was 15 before I’d thought about actual acting work. Since then I’ve had bit parts in Soldier Soldier and The Bill, a while ago I even did a comedy sketch show on Nickelodeon called L.O.L., so I’ve had a nice variation of performing ever since I was young.

iN) Who has inspired you in the acting world?

JS) There’s many people I’ve studied and admired over the years. For example, I love the Godfather films; but one of my all-time favourite actors is Ray Winstone, he’s been a huge inspiration to me. I really look up to him, and he’s accomplished a lot in his career.

iN) Are you comfortable with your role of Mickey Miller?

JS) I am, mainly because I’m playing myself so it’s not too demanding. The way I dress, the way I speak, I can turn up for work and just be me. There’s not many places you can do that. I’m lucky the producers were looking for someone like me.

iN) What would you like to see written into the storylines?

JS) Well, I know I’ll be in EastEnders for the next two years – then they might want to get rid of me (laughs). I would like Mickey to come to the fore and have more going on; sometimes characters can fall into a bit of a rut, but every now and again you get a fresh slant on a storyline so it’s like everyone gets a turn.

iN) What do you think of EastEnders at the moment, and what do you reckon on the new characters, i.e. Phil Daniels?

JS) At the moment it’s the best atmosphere; with new characters everything’s always on the up, everyone’s great fun to work with. Phil has really fitted in with the cast and he’s very much in the thick of the action at the moment. It’s all working well.

iN) Who is your favourite actor in the soap?

JS) John Bardon who plays Jim is the best. He’s just a great person to work with and you can learn a lot from him. The way he works is brilliant and he kind of looks after everyone. Also, Phil’s (Daniels) wicked, and I’ve known him for ages anyway – we play football together on Sundays. I think Phil’s heart is with films, though.

iN) What are your plans for the future? Would you like to move on to films?

JS) I would like to do films, really good British films. That would be the pinnacle of my career. I’m taking things in my stride, though – I think it can be dangerous leaving a soap, you can do really well or it can go against you. If you take yourself away from where people like to see you, sometimes it can backfire.

iN) Do you have any favourite places in the area?

JS) Yes, I’m quite a fan of it round here. I enjoy all the social occasions that go on throughout the year like the Repton Park Ball, and the polo event you guys do in the summer. Also, Emma and I always like to support the good causes in the area and be a part of what’s happening. If we’re eating out, we love going to Smiths in Ongar, The Ark in Wanstead, and the King William in Chigwell is great for a spot of lunch and a sociable drink.

Celebrity Interview - Matt Willis

From boy band proper to being crowned King of the Jungle, the good looking one from Busted has brought himself back into the spotlight in glorious style – via an all-expenses paid holiday in Australia and new solo album, Don’t Let It Go To Waste.

Matt Willis is a grounded kinda guy – well, he’d have to be, we know he doesn’t like heights – and after having turned the TV execs down many times before literally dropping into ‘I’m A Celebrity…’ he eventually agreed to do the show to see what might happen. And now what has happened is MW conquering the Bushtucker Trials, creating a new CD, doing more tours and appearances and making himself a household name. But the gracious and grounded jungle celeb doesn’t let it go to his head – even if he and his Busted band-mates have overtaken Michael Jackson for the most appearances at Wembley in one year.

A lot has happened since his early days but he’s now back, busting new moves and showing off his influences from vintage rock gods to the stars of today. in Magazine grabbed an air guitar and caught up with the new-age rocker to share his thoughts, but not to share any of that diet he was on whilst down under…

iN) Matt, how does it feel being king of the jungle?

MW) It was excellent winning, obviously, and I was genuinely surprised I won, but it hasn’t changed my life too much. I’m glad I took part though, it was a brilliant experience.

iN) Who was the best person – who did you get on with the most?

MW) I got on best with David, he was great. Even though I’d said we were all his bitches, he does need you around; he always needs people around him.

iN) Who did you think would win?

MW) We all thought David would win. It was a massive shock when he went. I think everyone watching thought David would win.

iN) What was your scariest moment? The bungee jump?

MW) There was the tightrope task I had to do, where I had to collect Mallandra, but yes the bungee jump was the one – I wasn’t up for that at all. I remember when they kept saying to me the only thing you have to fear is fear itself. Yeah right. But then I just thought ‘you’ve got to do it’.

iN) Would you do it again?

MW) Would I have done it again, after knowing what was coming? Yes. Would I do it again? No. I’d actually turned the show down a few times already; eventually I thought I’d see it for myself to have the experience. And now, of course, having won the show it’s made it all worthwhile.

iN) Moving on to the music, how did it all start with Busted? Did you know Charlie and James before?

MW) James is my best mate. We’ve known each other since we were 15. Before Busted we’d already been practising and doing bits and pieces with music, then we auditioned Charlie in and that was that. We still see and speak to each other; Charlie’s now in a band called Fightstar, and James is in Son Of Dork.

iN) Things really changed for you in a short space of time. You and McFly became two of the biggest bands around. Were you ready for all that attention?

MW) Yeah, I think so. We’ve always kept quite grounded, but it was amazing how things really took off. They [McFly] had supported us before and everyone was doing their own thing, so when things escalated it was just a brilliant time for all of us. We had absolute non-stop fun.

iN) What was your biggest gig?

MW) Wembley. Twelve times in one year. That’s a record – Michael Jackson did eight. And I think we stole the crown from Steps!

iN) What are your musical influences?

MW) It would definitely be the likes of Green Day, Van Halen, Def Leppard… I love the real classic rock stuff as well as all the new music.

iN) Do you prefer being the solo artist, or would you prefer being part of group again?

MW) I didn’t make a conscious decision to go solo, it just happened. I’d love to form another band; I just enjoy making music with other people.

iN) What are the big plans for Matt Willis?

MW) I recently did a 10-day tour around the country and have other gigs lined up, but I’m happy to go with the flow and make a success of the music. That would be the main plan.

iN) So where do you see yourself in 10 years’ time?

MW) Probably married with children. I try not to think about it too much. Two months ahead would be about the limit of where I see myself, or how much I plan in advance.

Matt Willis’s album ‘Don’t Let It Go To Waste’ is out now on Mercury Records.

Preview - Bar Aurora

There has been a lot of speculation about Aurora and its new transformation and refurbishment. When you launch a bar that (and they won’t mind me saying this) towards the end was struggling slightly you know as well as I do and they do that first impressions are absolutely crucial to its success.

Having been to Aurora and seen its transformation first hand I can safely say that they have nothing to worry about. Firstly the place is completely different, not only for the have they opened up the upstairs to create a ‘VIP black room’ but the downstairs is also totally transformed. The bar is, although in the same place, a completely different construction altogether it’s a lot sleeker and has the logo embezzled on it which looks stunning and I am completely in love with the flooring! It’s the kind that you would see on MTV’s Cribs, to elaborate its black glistening tiles with silver specks in it, its absolutely beautiful and you can see that there has been no expense spared which I kind of feel they needed to do. The whole place itself just looks a lot more grown up, just much more sophisticated. They have allowed for a dance floor which I feel is a must and although the overall feel is still has an airy feel it is defiantly a lot funkier.

Going back to the upstairs area, it looks amazing and from what I can gather they are going to hire it out as an intimate function room, with Plasma screens to watch the big sporting events so essentially you could hire put the whole room with all your friends whilst watching a big game with all your mates. They require a minimum spend but its not to expensive considering the room holds 15 people and you get all your drinks up there, just think somewhere to sneak up to if your on a date you want to keep a secret, there is also a separate entrance to it so no one would know ha ha! Plus (and I think this is a truly clever idea) so you are don’t miss out on the downstairs atmosphere you can watch from the plasma upstairs exactly what’s going on downstairs in case you want to nip down there and accost someone, its genius!

Daytimes will be great in there also with a much more refined menu and I think that lunch times although were still good before, will be even better than last time. The area out the back has also been transformed in order to cater for alfresco dining.

As I said Aurora would have had to been a totally different place for it to work, with tighter door regulations, more consistency and of course different décor and I think these are three key factors that have been well considered. The different approach to this bar is a guaranteed success, the bar has been modernised in all aspects and I really feel that this time they’ve got it spot on and I for one can’t wait to slink about there!

See you at the launch on the 25th!

Forum member Interview

If you’ve read many posts on The Loop Forum you’ll probably of stumbled across the monster that is Ignorant C**t. Part man, part beast, he trawls the forum in between Tequilas and katzu curries. Caroline decided it was time to hear his story…

1. When did you come across the loop and how?

I had just started a new job and didn’t have work email to speak to a mate yet so he told me about the loop so I popped on to chat to him then found my little cousin going on there. Got abused by these two old fat men so finally signed up and Ignorant C**t was born

2. How long have you been a Looper?

Its actually coming up to my 1st birthday as a looper. Its been an eventful year, full of ups and downs and some 18,000 plus (and some very memorable) posts

3. What do like best about the loop?

I like the fact that the majority of the females on there are as dumb as they come and go over quicker than del boy in a posh wine bar.

4. Who would you say is your favourite Looper past or present and why?

As neo said there are many that could step up to take this title… KF cos he was the only one who really understood me, veiga as underneath the excess bagels he is quite amusing but there can only be one man… my old adversary, Mr. Prada Prince… this man went from being my enemy to a close and trusted friend, now more of a mentor… he was also the man behind the One Night in Rockys stories which il never forget

5. If you had to be stuck in a lift with a Looper for a whole day, who would you choose?

Im gonna say Taryn. She is a genuinely nice person who makes me laugh, is good company and not a bad lot. Plus it would absolutely kill Sharkie cos he would wanna know what me and his cousin have done to pass the time for 24 hours

6. Did you make a conscious decision to turn from most hated to most loved!

No not at all, it just seemed to have crept up on me. Im not too fussed whether im loved or hated, I think deep down most of the ones that hated me just realised that nights out with the big dog were the way forward and that they either joined ranks and liked me or risked getting kicked up the arse next time I saw them

7. Ever snogged another Looper?

Well a true gentleman never tells but then I never pretend to be a true gentleman… however there are some I think quite a bit of so wont name them… I will say its easily double figures

8. Have you ever had a relationship with a Looper

No. Im not in the right frame of mind to be having relationships as my last one culminated in me kicking her from a moving car then nearly needing an injucntioc order on her… but im back in the ratrace now so who knows… maybe Caroline, me & you, bel sit, some rose… it just might happen

9. Biggest row with a Looper that has made you want to smash your computer?

One day I logged on to see that the loops own beanstalk climbing Ogre, Tucker D had changed his avator so that it was now a pic of him smooching with my little cousin…. The red mist hit me hard that day

10. Where do you work?

Im a clerk for a traders on the LME but this is only till I win the lottery. I have this recurring dream that I win £9.6m and trust me il be even more louder and flasher than I am now

11. Have they ever commented on how much looping you’ve been doing?

Yes very recently it came to light that I was on this website for an average of 38 hours per week… I had no defence

12. Have you ever gone in as another user, just to abuse someone?

Who would do such a sad thing like that? Ok yes fair enough. As this is all about clearing my demons il admit to some characters… With the help of various M7 wingmen we had such characters as EVIL C**T, Reggie Kray, Joshua, SarahK, Cassie, x Emma x etc… It was just so easy on here. On the Monday morning the orange brigae would say things like “right that’s it, no more” and by Friday they would be going all chicken oriental cos we had fooled them again

13. Which Looper do you wish would quit looping and why? Be honest!

I don’t want anyone to leave the loop. Its merely a way of passing the time of day and I think too many people take it too seriously, too many grasses and complete nut jobs on there.

14. Which Looper were you must surprised by when you met them?

Again a few shocked me… The Boss I thought was a total pillock, hence the reason I made the Boss Is Orange myspace account, but he turned out to be a nice bloke who ive shared a few beers with and no doubt will again, Prada and Gucci I thought were both big sufferers of Little Man Syndrome and they both turned out to be nice blokes, I even went through a stage of being stalked by Gucci where he would chase me through Bank station screeching at me like a banshee and trying to hit me on the arse with his rolled up metro but the biggest shock… Caroline. For months she agged me with her “delete that picture” or “delete that post”, her annoying smileys etc and then that fateful night in 195 she tried charming me and I realised she was quite a sort and a really nice girl. Our friendship has just grown and grown

15. Why did you change your name?

I personally believe that Mrs Loop Admin knew that Armageddon was near and that me and Fiddler were about to take the loop down in our quest for world domination so forced us to change our names. I then went to Sir IC the Invincible (as I truly am), then to Sir IC, then IC… this was all because I was getting agged having to type long sentences out just to sign in…. then I decided the change of name had changed me as a loop so Ignorant was reborn

16. Who would you say is the funniest Looper on the forum?

You mean other than all the spurs fans who truly believed they were gonna be better than the mighty gooners this year? Im gonna pick 3. Neo as he is just a true talent and wasted working for the smartie company, Prada as his lyrical talent belongs in FHM and gave me so many laughs with his songs and little stories (my mum still has a copy of “My Visit to the IC Household stuck to her fridge) and my main man Joey D… extremely dry, very witty and completely on my level of humour… he knows why

17. Do you think you’ll ever stop Looping?

I cant see it can you? For every season that passes in the OC, there is another batch of fresh 18 year olds joining the loop, no doubt some will be spotted by my talent spotter Disco Dave or il have Gucci emailing me saying take these goons down so no, I can never see me leaving the loop

18. And finally.. (Courtesy of Caroline) if you could bring back one person who doesn’t come on the loop anymore for whatever reason who would it be?

Kiddie Fiddler without a doubt. The only man to be banned from the loop 3 times. My trusted wingman over the past 3 years, he has been there with me through thick and thin, whether it be drunken womanising, verbal abuse of some poor soul or just being the Goose to my Maverick… I miss having this mans comments under mine. Ive actually supplied a pic of the two of us to show how we roll

Essex and the City 18

Posted on Tuesday, 31st July 07

have been an extremely busy Miss Essex and the City the last couple of months and feel that this has reflected on the lack of literary content in my column so for this I apologise!

Firstly I have seen more of Spain than the crew on the Spanish Armada and secondly I have been on countless crazy nights out (why do all my friends have birthdays in June and July) and thirdly (but most importantly) I have been concentrating on a new transition/phase in my life and how to cope with it! What’s that then? I hear you ask! Well, as well as all my friends birthdays it was also mine and that along with watching two of my friends get married (yes married proper grown up stuff) I have come to the conclusion that I am entering, for the first time in my life the adult world and it’s scarier than the likeness between Daviff Thomas and the fat welsh girl from big brother!

It made me jittery and worried that I have no intention of doing what is expected of being a ‘grown up’. Along with the wedding (that was in Majorca I might add, see review) and the fact that I have reached the ripe old age of 28 there was also the small matter of going to Ibiza and being more interested in ‘chilling out’ (that being the phrase that old and boring people use to describe being old and boring, chillaxing might be a more modern word to use but it still means the same) than getting spaced at Space… However with this realisation I didn’t feel ready to hang up my dancing shoes quite yet and I am not prepared enough to consider the consequences of my actions and decipher the reasons for my stupidness (all things you do as a grown up).

I don’t feel old enough and for the last couple of months life seemed to be guiding me a direction I have no control over! So with this dilemma in mind and in true Essex and the city journalistic style its time for my moment of reflex ion and not a moment to soon anything for me to get of the train to grown upsville and do things in my own time and this is how I did it.

So there I am feeling old and bit boring and if I am honest a little bit disappointed that at 28 I still haven’t reached my goals (see previous Essex in the city but just to recap, married to a rich man, famous author and I forget the third one but I am sure it has something to do with new boobs and an extremely small arse) so with that at this feeling I just couldn’t ignore like a wood pecker pecking from the inside of the tree I decided it was time to confront it.

At first it crossed my mind to change my life completely, get a sensible job and find a prospective husband…erm I lasted one week at a temp job in the city and unless I want to speed or internet date the prospect of finding a husband only now seems to lie in the chance meeting through a friend or at work and since I work in the Essex entertainment industry that is not going to happen any time soon when most people are averaging at 21!

Ok so I didn’t exactly write myself off during this dark time but when shop assistants start calling you ‘lady’ and you have to tick the 25-30 box on application forms it doesn’t make ignoring that wood pecker any easier! The worst is when you’re family start saying things ‘you’ll be next’ at your cousins wedding (although if they’re old you can get your own back at funerals) and when everyone around you is getting a mortgage and arranging weddings it does tend to make you feel like you should be doing something a bit more worth while than holidaying and partying all the time. For the last month of so it was like I’d reached the point where I thought ‘right time to get serious, sort your life out and grow up’.

I always wondered at what point old people start dressing really old, the women cut their hair and they all start wearing beige and fawn (fawn being a colour that only old people know about and ironically rhymes with yawn) I used to think it wasn’t a conscious decision but now I am not so sure. Also and changing the subject slightly but something I would like to share, why is it that ALL old people drive Micra’s my friend Lucy and I believe that its because is because they are in fact aliens disguised as old people sent down here to spy, Micra’s have really long aerials and we think its because they are hooked up to a transmitter in the sky beaming down orders, note: we were extremely stoned when we thought this but even normal it sounds like a plausible explanation!

So after all that the wood pecker was still tapping so I decided to look at it in another was and I started to raise the question in my head of whose idea was it for life to go in what order and why is it such a massive deal if you don’t do it like that? It tends to make you consider just settling and that is like telling yourself a big fat lie and believing it even though deep down you know its bullshit, a bit like when you were younger and you even believed you were going round your boyfriends to do homework.

Then it hit me, no one who seems to make any rules in our society (i.e. the government) seems to get it right so why should we listen now. If it doesn’t seem socially acceptable to still be clubbing and laughing at farts when your 40 then just don’t socialise in that circle, find one that does or better still start your own circle! I have never listened to anyone before and I am not about to start now socially acceptable or not! As soon as I thought this the woodpecker stopped it was as if it was warning me that I wasn’t being true to myself and I felt peaceful again!

On that note and with one last bit of advice if you find yourself at this point or any stage in your life where you suddenly think ‘I really should be doing this’ then take a long hard look at yourself and work out why you feel you should. I believe life is mapped out and that there is no need to push it and if you end up 30 with still no idea of what you want to do when you ‘grow up’ or who you want to marry then for god sake don’t stop looking and trying because even if those around you don’t accept your life decision, them you can ignore but it’s a lot harder to ignore yourself and that little wood pecker in your head will just tap louder when finally it will reach the stage where you’ve done what you thought you should have done and there will be nothing else to drown it out… So the lesson is be true to yourself and don’t settle, make your own rules and even if you feel the slightest urge, never ever wear fawn, in fact forget I even mentioned it was a colour!

So from an insightful Miss Essex and The City this month, I will see you next time, love you all and thank you for reading and giving me such positive feedback from my columns and don’t forget to email me with any suggestions of things you would like me to tackle or just moan about….. .

P.S If I could kill on person it would be the idiot who decided to change the Nokia Chargers, I have had three and they’ve all broken.

P.P.S Actually that would be the second person I would kill, the first would be the pr*ck that stole my bag in Ibiza…

P.P.P.S Don’t forget to read my review, and Ellie before you moan there is loads about you in it and the way you stalked me to Marbella, Majorca AND Ibiza! I love you.

Essex and the City 17

Posted on Tuesday, 20th March 07

The sun has got his hat on hip hip hip hooray the sun has got his hat and he’s coming out to play? Who says that the sun is a he? Not that I am a feminist I’m really not, in fact I am pro man… I laughed the loudest when Borat went into the feminist group and said my wife always moans, ‘Borat I don’t want to plough the field, Borat I don’t want to live in a cupboard’ etc etc so lets get that straight! I am however a woman after all and I have to admit I have had the hump with men this week, so from now on the sun has got HER hat on ok! Saying that it is usually MEN that I have seen going flat cap crazy lately, I was in the Nu Bar recently and 3 blokes in the same group all had a flat cap on. Now unless they are a group of chimney sweeps that have just knocked off from the late shift I really don’t see the need, buy one and share it or if you have to get your own then don’t go out wearing them at the same time so you end up looking like extras from the orphanage scene in Oliver!

I started this month feeling let down by the opposite sex, partly due to frustration that there just doesn’t seem to be anyone out there for me and party due to the fact that whoever I seem to date ends up being a bit of a loser. I started to worry maybe I am enjoying being single too much and as the time ticks by I might never want to meet anyone! I never thought I would feel like that I have had a boyfriend since I was 15 and now I am thinking why did I waste all that time? Not that all my ex boyfriends weren’t lovely and I loved them all (well sort of) but now I was worrying that I didn’t want to be tied down and don’t know if I ever would, probably not a great way to think when you’re 4 months away from turning 28! This past month has felt like I was going back in time, watch you will see me dossing down Loughton station soon and smoking round the back of Roding Valley!

My mum (who seems to know everything and is always right) said, write a list of the qualities you want in someone and remember them when you meet someone they must have at least 5 of those qualities. To be honest I found it really hard to get passed ‘really good looking’ how shallow am I? This whole month of worry went on to inspire me to delve into the frequently asked topic. What do women really want? It seems to me that what women want at the beginning of a relationship is not something they want when it starts to get serious.

When you first meet someone you tend to feel positive and like everything about them, their jokes make you laugh, you like that fact that they enjoy football and have lots of friends and even the way they dance makes you feel like they are perfect… fast forward to four months down the line, the jokes are wearing thin all he does enjoy is football and the dancing now resembles someone who has got a itchy back they can’t reach! So what happens in those four months to make you see a totally different person to the one you first met? Well the first thing could be that you had your rose tinted glasses on, ‘he had that on on our last date but it doesn’t matter, he’s really funny’, ‘yes the story about him and his friends nailing a cats tail to a wall is a bit immature and slightly disturbing but it doesn’t matter because he’s really kind’ ‘oh I like the fact that he plays football every Saturday it gives me time to have lunch with the girls and if he wants to drink 50 pints after a game and then expect us to go out for dinner the same night, that’s fine too’ And why are we so easy going? The fact is we like having a boyfriend and when you meet someone and think this could be him you don’t want anything to spoil that illusion! We then introduce the reins and be prepared to get sore hands for continually tightening and steering over the next couple of years.

See women aren’t trying to mould their new love interest into something they are not, they are just trying to re-shape them back to how they originally were. This is a vain attempt to feel the same as they did when they first met them and got caught up in the whole ‘new relationship thing’. That’s why women are often labelled as controlling, its not really the fact they want to tell you what to do, wear or say all the time its more to do with the fact that their ‘new relationship is not going to plan. Actually reading that back its not entirely true some people are just really insecure and need to be with their bloke the whole time and ban them from going out or having any outside interests but they’re just crazy heads!

So are we all just in love with the idea of being in love? I would have said a definitely yes before I got with Dan and before I became single for the first time in my life. I was friends with Dan for a long time before we got together and its fair to say I think I knew him inside and out with that came a very successful relationship that although is over now, has never been regretted and the departing was put down to just ‘one of those things’. He never ever got on my nerves and I could spend more time with him than any other person I knew, sometimes we would stay in all week and weekend and not just slumped in front of the TV, we used to have fun, play silly games and just chat and laugh. Other times I wouldn’t see him all weekend because either he or I would be out with our friends, working or whatever. I think that it’s a case of meeting the right person and taking it slowly, I think you need to develop a foundation and not rush into things I know its sounds like that’s taking the fun out of everything but wouldn’t you much rather years of happiness than just a few weeks and then the rest of the time spent thinking of ways you can mould them into the person you first met, who lets face it would have had a lot more money, ambition and interesting facts about himself!

So back to my list (I will be leaving good looking on there) but there is only one other thing I am looking for in a man and that is he has to be ‘the right person for me’ and if that takes as long as it did with Dan and I then so be it! If you feel like me rather don’t think this is the wrong time in your life to meet someone it’s actually the right time because you don’t really want or need a boyfriend so you won’t just settle! See, it makes sense and on that note the sun can but HIS hat back on and not because MRS hat said so, unless it’s a flat cap then it’s a no no!

P.S Ellie sent me an alarming picture of a dead Squirrel that fell out of the tree while she was walking Baloo, she is not normal and that is why I love her!

P.P.S Louise and I went to a lovely restaurant in Sawbidgeworth called the Straw Hat it was sooo nice.

P.P.P.S Congratulations to Kerry on the birth of little baby Olivia! I can’t believe she is a mother it seems like only yesterday we were playing ‘IT’ with the bouncers in Sugar Reef! TEAM!

P.P.P.P.S Don’t forget Get Flash on the 29th at Faces the best night there and they are doing a photo shoot in the VIP area!

Essex and the City 16

Posted on Saturday, 13th January 07

Well 2007 is here! It was about this time 10 years ago that I got a new passport and now I am due one for my next one, how weird is that! Looking at the expiry date 10 years seemed like a period of time only possible to be seen if I had some kind of tardiest or the car from Back to the future. When I think back to my life ambitions then, you could say that not all is going according to plan, number 1. Be a millionaire 2.Married with 3 children to a gorgeous and very rich man who is totally devoted to me, 3.Be dividing my time between here and St Tropez or here and The Hamilton Islands…

To say that my life is way off track is the understatement of the year (well the last 10 years really). The closest I am to being a millionaire in reaching the £125,000 question on the play station version of who wants to be a millionaire, my efforts at finding any husband let alone a rich and good looking one are as unlikely as Mich McManus saying ‘no thanks’ at an all you can eat buffet and as for dividing my time between countries, its very much a case of ‘Rockys or 195, 195 or Rockys’. Not that I am despondent, one day either my goals will change or I will get nearer to them but until then I am wishing on a lot of shooting stars and avoiding all ladders, magpies and anything else that’s unlucky!

On a brighter note! It’s a bloody New Year! Which means Celebrity BB is back! There is a lot to say for Celeb BB when the person you most recognise is Jo from S Club 7, I would have spotted ‘H’ but he has gone a funny shade of auburn and unless he is wearing a blue PVC cat suit and a head mic he is not massively recognisable (oh and he’s gay by the way… never!)…

Ok so clearly I know who Jade and Jack Weed, I mean Tweed are, but as for the rest, it looks like Big Brother has gone into Morrisons and grabbed a few people from the 7 items or less queue. I feel sorry for Jade though think about it, who would want their mum in BB or their boyfriend for that matter? How boring! You can’t flirt, you can’t be yourself, you can’t bullshit because there is always someone there who appreciates that you should not let the truth get in the way of a good story BUT at the same time they are family, so will do anything to embarrass you, on TV or not. If you’ve got an outspoken mum like Jackie or mine you would be always worried what she was going to say next and who wants the whole nation seeing how you really row with your mum, how embarrassing! Plus if you were going out with Jack Weed know for his roving eye you would constantly be worried that he was flirting OR that he was getting more attention than you, adding to the speculation that he is only with you for other reasons than love plus Jack looks like the kind of person that you have to ‘include’ rather than just getting on with it, people like that annoy me I think he has said two words all week.

I am in two minds whether Jack is with Jade for the right reason or not, I think that her fame makes her more attractive to him but then other people go for other qualities in a person and 2 million in the bank is just Jacks thing! Seriously though, it may have started out like that but who’s to say that he hasn’t fallen in love with her by now? She is the type of person that you either love or hate so to spend all that time with her he must feel something other than toleration but then there has been those allegations of him cheating so he could be having his cake and eat it… naughty skinny boy. I hope he is genuine though because I like Jade and I think that out of her ‘family’ on Big Bro she clearly is the only adult and it’s probably been like that all her life… yes I have read her book, it took me two days!

Apart from BB there are lots more exciting things going on in my life at the moment, I promise! I am hosting a Valentines ball at Club 195 on the 17th of Feb which I am V excited about, I am thinking of having Cupid roaming about trying to match people up, so you could be standing there eyeing someone up and instead of leaving it until you have reached mint shot courage, little cupid could pass a note to them for you OR he could blatantly walk up to them and tell them how you feel. I love that idea! I am also going to provide roses for the boys to give to the girls as a sign of their llluurrveee or a sign that they fancy a date, or maybe two or maybe even a loving relationship for a while, before they split up with you, break your heart and make you cry for the same amount of time you were actually with them...leaving you wondering to yourself ‘how did that happen?’ That bloody Rose! My advice? Say no to the Rose! Ha Ha

Until Next Time………………………………………

P.S It is lovely to see that the Loop is bringing people together, there was Christmas party at Rockys that was attended by most that go on the forum, I also spotted a few at Essex and the city on Fridays at Club 195. It is so nice when you are out and someone comes up to you and introduces themselves, making West Essex THE friendliest place in the country!

P.P.S Little message for Chris, I am still waiting for my unlucky 7 to arrive, so far nothing!

P.P.P.S Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie!

P.P.P.P.S. I had a wonderful time at Paul’s mums surprise party on Saturday with the tornado 4! In fact I always have a good night with the tornado 4! Love you all. Carol! xxxxxxXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxx

Essex and the City 15

Posted on Tuesday, 21st November 06

Well this month, apart from being extremely cold and having the cough from hell, I have very little to moan about! Things have been running along smoothly and I have had a very good month. Sophie and I have moved into an amazing new house, its soooo nice it’s like a proper home we have a garden and everything, proper grown up! We went to Ikea the other day and bought loads of homely things we also accidentally stole a plant, we put it in the trolley, wheeled everything out and then realised we hadn’t paid for it, naturally I ran straight back and made them aware of the mistake…

The men situation is pretty much the same as before, I dropped Dan (my ex) to the airport, he is going to work in Croatia for six months it was a bit emotional, it will be the longest we’ve been apart for about 8 years I miss him but I have spoken to him loads, more than I did when he was here so it’s all fine.

I have had a bad month of falling over, firstly at 195 in front of Streetboy and all his mates, naturally he cained me and his younger brother who is a mini Streetboy in the making and a complete wind up kept mentioning it, luckily my friend Lara got on the floor with me and mad out we were breakdancing – I love her! Then at a fireworks party where I was convinced I was going to be attacked by a rocket whilst holding a sparkler, I fell over the decking. Is it me or does the thought of holding a sparkler the wrong way seem like the most dangerous thing in the world? It’s probably no less painful than touching a hot radiator but since that advert about 10 years ago I am convinced that it is near death experience, the power of advertising ah?

The third accident was falling over in my new house whilst sliding on the new wooden floor (my own fault I know) I fell straight on my burnt bum (sunbed) and it really hurt, I am dreading ice or snow this winter I will probably end up breaking something!

When I was younger I was always falling over and hurting myself, always had a grazed knee and the worst was when your tights used to stick to your graze and you had to try and pull in off, not nice. Now when you graze your knee anyone that see’s it automatically thinks it’s a carpet burn haha, err no I really am that clumsy!

I have got two events coming up this weekend, firstly the Battle of the Dj’s at 195 and then a new night that Sophie and I am doing called Cosmopolitan. It’s a girl’s night, with an all female DJ line up and there will be free cocktail shots and chocolates for the ladies, there will be scantily clad men walking round handing them out and we have turned the white suite into a Boudoir! What a great idea it’s about time there were some female promoters on the circuit and if all goes well this week we will be doing it every month so make sure you pay Cosmo a visit!

I am going out a lot more lately, there always seems like there is something to do, I have actually bought myself a diary a bit late for this year I know but I am social butterfly and I keep losing track! It doesn’t help that its soo cold and naturally I never where a coat it just doesn’t seem worth it, its just one more thing to worry about when you’re out enjoying yourself I prefer to dress for the winter in vodka and wine its like a invisible duvet. My Nan has an obsession about keeping warm when I used to stay round there when I was younger she used to tuck me in so tight in bed that I actually couldn’t move until she released me in the morning!

And don’t Nan’s have an obsession with feeding you up? They are the only people that notice that worry about you when you lose weight, you could have lost ½ a pound and they worry, I love my Nonna (I am Italian) she is the worlds biggest worrier and its only because she loves her grandchildren more than anything and that in itself makes me feel warm, so Non you don’t have to worry, your keeping me wrapped up and cosy without even realising it! My mum and dad are the same when it comes to the cold, my mum has the heating on 1000 degrees and my dad always insists on buying me a coat that makes me look like on of the railway children!

I have said it before but I have to say it again but I have such a wicked family they are completely mad and I love it, we have such a laugh and we are so close I wouldn’t change them for the world. Including my younger brother, I say younger (he’s actually30) because when he’s had a drink that’s what he becomes and I have to look after him. We went to a fire works party the other day and I had to force him to drink a pint of water (which I convinced him was vodka) and sit him on a chair, he’s 6”2 and I am 5”3 it’s not fair! Luckily he has a brilliant new flat mate, Alex who looked after him and eventually took him home, well done Alex I feel safe that you are looking after him and welcome to the group!

Well that’s enough of me rabbiting on, I only wish there was something more exciting that I could share with you, or course there is my new wind up show that comes out in January called ‘In Your Face’ that’s exciting. I filmed it with Streetboy (who I used to work with at Kiss) and its going to be on Bravo. Its a bit like a candid camera show, we went around terrorising people all over the country whilst wearing a pair of glasses with a hidden camera in them, so make sure you watch our for that, it’s the first time I have been on TV without worrying what I look like because you don’t actually see us! My dad thinks its idea he always said I had a face for radio so this is the next best thing!

Until next time…

P.S. My friend Ellie and I are going to go on a Inca trail in Peru in March we are doing it for charity! Apparantly you can meet your soul mate on your journey, you never know I could come back with a Perusian tribesman!

P.P.S Make sure you have colonic just before Christmas it prepares you for all that festive indulgence.

P.P.P.S Myself, Ellie and Jade when to the 195 3rd Birthday party a little while and we have an obsession with Martine Mchucheon she is a real life Eliza Dolittle and we do impressions of her all the time, anyway she was only bloody there! But could we find her? No! Perhaps this was a good thing I think we would have a been extremely aggrevating!

P.P.P.P.S My best friends Louise and Danielle came up to battle of the DJ’s this Friday, it was like old times, we went back to Louise’s who has a wicked karaoke machine that actually scores you on how good you are, We sung until 6 in the morning, those poor neighbours I got 98 singing Chitty Chitty bang bang!

Essex and the City 14

Posted on Tuesday, 3rd October 06

This is the edited version of episode 15 of Essex and The City, the last one made me sound, how can I put it? Well very bitter! So with the feedback from the people that know and love me I have decided to put down my poison pen and re write this month’s piece. I got some good advice from my friend Natalie who has always been there (and hopefully always will) and I am going to once in my life listen! Ellie on the other hand LOVED my poison penned article and was laughing like Doctor Evil throughout!

I have just been looking through my previous Essex and The City’s and it’s made me realise how much I have changed this year! And if I am honest I don’t like it much. I used to have a bit more balls and be a bit more upfront but in a confident way and most of all more bloody fun!

So now I have taken a conscious effort to stop acting so serious and re introduce my inner child! I have been so busy lately it’s hard to believe that I find the time to throw myself about the drunken circuit of West Essex, but I do and I do it in a conscious bid to have a wicked time with my mates, minus having a boyfriend!

I have been with someone since I was 15, that’s 12 years and this is the longest time I have ever been on my own and I am loving it! So much so that I am now starting to worry that I might never make an effort to meet anyone! Instead, I will live on my own forever, be the Bridget Jones of a practically a married off group and settle with the fact that the only thing I will be in bed with on a Sunday morning is T4. When I get sent wedding invitations or any invitations for that matter they will have not even bothered putting me plus guest! Oh goodness I am getting myself all worked up!

I am not saying that there aren’t people that I can’t go on dates with or even have a bit of a cuddle and a kiss with but apart from that no-one seems to light my fire, no-one has given me that little bit extra. To be fair it’s been so long since I have had sparks with anyone that I am starting to forget what that feels like! Roll on fireworks night is all can say!

Boyfriends seem to get in the way at the moment, I am filming a new TV Show I am so busy with all my PR stuff and when it comes to the end of the day its nice to not to have to worry about anyone else but me. Its nice knowing you can invite your friends round to your own place and play silly board games, its nice that you can have a double bed to yourself and if you don’t want to have dinner you don’t have to, you can watch all the shite on TV that YOU like without having to share the remote and you can pick your nose, ear, whatever you want because there is no one around to see it! Talking of shite on TV though, please, please tell me that you saw that programme Guys and Dolls? I am still having nightmares about it now. Basically there are these grown men that live with ‘real dolls’ they are like a new and improved version of a blow up doll but are made of rubber. The features are so real, they have tongues, knees and elbow joints, insides and everything and these men live with them, sleep with them, dress them, take them out and treat them like real humans, at one point (without going into to much detail) but this man had a loo brush and he was ‘cleaning out one of his dolls’, I think its actually one of the weirdest things I have ever seen and I used to work for Big Brother so you can imagine!

I am an open minded person but please, they are dolls, these men talk to them and dress them (make up included) and treat them like real people. One man said it was better then not having any female company at all….. err hello, I know some girls are dull but at least they blink from time to time! Mind you I suppose they don’t argue back and play silly games like we all do – (no matter how much you protest ‘I hate playing games’ we all do or have at some point in our lives!) This is one of the reasons why single town is the place for me at the moment, I am sick of all the crap, it fries my brain.

There is only one time that I feel I need someone, when I’ve been out, had one (or seven to many) and on my way home and I feel like I’ve had a bit of a rubbish night. You’ve ended up talking to a load of randoms about a load of old tripe and you’re emotional. That’s when I tend to booty call an ex boyfriend or someone I have had a fling with and then regret it in the morning. The sick thing is no matter how drunk I am, I delete the evidence, what’s that about! So now on a Sunday I feel even worse because I know I’ve text something but I have no idea what it says!

So I have told Ellie and Sophie and any all of my friends for that matter ‘please do not let me use my phone after 11pm it’s bound to be trouble!’.

P.S I had a request from someone called Nicola who I met in Nu Bar the other night, she was lovely -Anyway she has asked me to point out that woven belts are soooo last year!

P.P.S Loving Rockys at the moment, finally a place where you can party without the pretentiousness! And Get Flash is wicked the last Thursday of every month at Faces!

P.P.P.S Hello Tricia, sorry I have been so rubbish at keeping in touch I will email you ASAP and fill you in and congratulations on finding your prince charming!

P.P.P.P.S Along with the success of the Essex Factor, Heather has set me another challenge, her idea, Battle of The DJ’s so make sure you all look out for it in the next few weeks its going to be brilliant and Heather? It’s all about Friday Club!

See you next time and I promise I won’t leave it so long!

Essex and the City 13

Posted on Tuesday, 4th April 06

I don’t know if anyone remembers but ages ago I wrote a who article discussing – what happened to Corey Haim. Basically Corey Haim (out of the Lost Boys. Licence to Drive etc, sod it I will just attach a picture), was my first love. I had a poster on my wall, I watched his films over and over again and basically used to dream about one day meeting him and telling him I love him and that I want to be his wife. Well it just goes to show that if you wish hard enough, one day these things will happen. Yes that’s right I MET HIM , not only did I meet him I was actually with him (no not like that) but with him, working with him for two days , can you believe it! I still can’t quite but I bloody was. Basically I was doing some PR for an exhibition and he was one of the main guests. When I was told he was there I couldn’t even talk, at first I just walked past him like a nutter about 15 times trying to get the courage to go and talk to him it finally took a very persuasive friend (does anyone know Ces) to grab me and drag me over there where I proceeded to tell him that I have loved him forever, I kissed his poster every day that I actually wore the lips off and that I am his biggest fan (what a loser). I swear I am not really like that. I have met loads of famous people, I am not showing off but I have even been clubbing with David Beckham and been on holiday with half the cast of Eastenders, and never have I ever reacted in the manor that I did when I met Corey. I went bright red and could barely speak, he was so lovely, granted the years have not been that kind to him but I could still that that inner heartthrob in his eyes. He asked me if I ever did voodoo on his poster, as his lips are very sore? I could have come back with an extremely smutty comment but I kept my graciousness. I had to chat to him a lot and by the second day I was ok and I could actually look him in the eye, and although he didn’t look as good he used to he was a sweetie and didn’t ruin my expectations. It was madness of all the people eh? I never thought that working would actually be the highlight of my bank holiday weekend but it was, everything else besides that was pretty shit.

I don’t’ know what it is, (well I do it starts in m ends in n and has got e in the middle) but things start going ok and then you get the rug pulled from underneath you. I have made a pact to myself not to get to carried away with anyone new unless I am sure they feel the same, I am just not up for any more crap and I think it shows maybe people sense it I don’t know. Someone gave me some advice the other day ‘to love like you’ve never been hurt’ but it’s harder than it sounds. I am such a believer in trusting your gut feeling but that’s not so easy to do when you want the outcome to be so different. I think that being single makes you realise that everyone is going through the same thing I never noticed it before, but all people seem to want is to meet someone that they really like and that isn’t going to let them down – how hard can it be. Instead they keep meeting arrogant idiots who act as if they don’t have a care in the world and that they have got it totally sorted. Trust me though, their issues might seem like nothing and they may act brash conceited and overconfident when they are in fact that opposite. Anyone deprecating others in order to make themselves feel better will find it very hard to be happy and have a normal relationship, (and that goes with friends or partners) anyone like that unless they surround themselves with doormats, won’t ever be able to meet anyone remotely complex or a bit of a challenge, they are just to scared so feel sorry for them.

Not everyone is arrogant and I know lots of people that wouldn’t go near anyone they thought was full of themselves so why is it that people find it so hard to meet someone? Well in true Dr Phil style I decided to explore this question and I may have found the answer (well one theory at least). It seems that people tend to meet the same types and have the same sort of relationships most of the time, I for one know that if you merged my relationships into one they would all be the same. If you meet someone and there is every a hint of a slightly different characteristic that you’re not used to you automatically deject it (subconsciously). What we tend to do is pick out the familiar negatives in someone and we’re attracted to that. It’s almost like ‘better the devil you know’, but we do it subconsciously. Without going to deeply into it, it seems that you pick out the positive and negatives qualities of your parents and this determines what qualities you go for in your partner. For instance, if your parents don’t listen or put you down or aren’t very affectionate then the chances are you are going to meet someone with those same negative qualities, and you attract it. I have looked back on all my past relationships and it’s is spot on. I love my parents but there are certain traits in men that I let them get away with because that’s what I am used to, like not being very affectionate or saying things and then not actually doing them and I go for very controlling people all things my mum and dad do. Take a minute to think, it’s hard but you’ll be amazed how true it is.

This is all very well I hear you say, but what’s the answer, how do you break the chain? Well the fact is, if you really want to meet someone perfect and all the things you want then it’s you that has to change it’s you that has to break the cycle. Everything that you see as a negative, you have to do the opposite of. So, if you meet someone new start introducing this new concept, for example if you always got out with people that don’t listen or understand you, they go out of your way to really take an interest in them and listen, but mean it after a while if they’re not doing the same you will just get bored of them wittering on, at least you are taking the time out to recognise it. If your last boyfriend wasn’t very affectionate then make sure you are. It sounds easy but its not because you have to work on yourself a lot and until then you, you will be ready to attract the right kind of person so if your single and fed up then maybe it’s a thing to try. It’s not a case of ‘why are there so many arseholes out there’? It’s a matter or how do I stop being one of those arseholes? For every relationship we’ve been upset by, we have done the same to someone else. So start with one thing you can change which is you that’s what I say. Agreed, its not going to change the world but it might breed some better people out of West Essex, and lets face it seeing as we don’t seem to venture very much further it’s a good place to start!

So from an extremely philosophical Miss Essex and The City until next time, were I would have worked so hard on my negative qualities that I will be happy and madly in love I will chat then!

Lots of Love (see its working already!)

P.S There is no sign of smitten, I think she’s got the hint.

P.P.S Its all about 197! And anyone that feels the need to be nasty about my pad, (especially the losers that slag it off yet STILL live at home with mum and dads) can piss off! It is V exclusive after party venue, for PRIVILEGED people. Also there is a rumour that there will be a 198 in Epping that will also follow the same rule so you won’t be going there either! Love it!

P.P.S I am loving the Essex Factor at 195 how funny is it!

x x

Essex and the City 12

Posted on Monday, 2nd January 06

OOh god where to begin? Where to end? and more importantly where to bloody start! So Christmas is well and truly out the way and thank goodness because I don’t know about anyone else but I for one was ready to crack on with getting back into the swing of things.

It’s probably because I am loving my new job at the moment but also because (and don’t shoot me for this) in my eyes Christmas drags on a bit. Those people that say, ‘all that work for just one day’ make me laugh, how is it ‘just one day’? More like about three weeks, sure there is only one ‘Christmas Day’ but that doesn’t mean to say that at the end of that day the trees miraculously disappear and the decorations carry themselves up to the loft, nor does it mean that the weather starts to warm up, the foods gone and the house is completely back to normal. If you’re like me then you still end up having traces of Christmas hanging around until about July. I have still got 5 presents to give out, the Christmas decorations are littering the spare room and naturally I have followed my old age tradition of not sending out all the cards I wrote. Personally find it hard to shake Christmas off completely and can only really do this if I have a distraction, and this year my prayers were answered and my distraction came in the form of Celebrity Big Brother!

Firstly can I just state how beautiful a person Preston is? Is he not one of the most gorgeous people you’ve ever seen? I was talking to a friend about it and she made a valid point when I mentioned that I love him.. ‘Oh my god Me too, him in them Glasses er hello… Who looks good in glasses..? Preston that’s who!!’ and she’s right! The boy can wear no wrong in my eyes and my mates by the sound of it! As for the rest of the reprobates in the house here is my opinion of them all. I feel sorry for Jodie Marsh, she was bullied, we interviewed her at my new job and she is really nice, and yea we did ask ‘how could you have thought peoples perceptions of you would change if you kept talking about sex’ she said that ‘she must have talked about it twice a day in a 24 hour period but they just kept putting it in the edit’ she said that Pete ‘the freak’ Burns was the worst, I can imagine! Oh no one needs to picture him having sex, I wonder how he kisses? Have you seen him eat? Grim! I think Jodie was severely bullied and I hope when the ‘witches of Eastwick’ (Jodie’s words not mine) look back on it they feel ashamed of themselves, she will come out on top after this though and get the last laugh so its all good. Michael Barrymore shouldn’t’ even be there and I am so against him that I am actually not going to comment about him at all.

George Galloway is my second worse person, its extremely worrying that the MP for Bethnal Green is purring like and cat and licking his hands, its even more disturbing that he is donned as ‘the good looking MP’. Pete Burns looks like a character out of Bo selcta, Rula looks and dresses like she about to walk on stage and perform ‘the dieing’ scene in Macbeth, everything she does is soo OTT! Dennis Rodman reminds me of our dog before he had his balls cut off but ironically with that nose ring he looks like an actual Bull and for god sake send in a tailor, his trousers and continually having a fight with his ankles. Tracy is going for the ‘Barbie Doll’ persona and tries to act like ‘candy’ but to be honest there is something demonic about her thus actually reminding me more of the bride of chuckie than Barbie, she looks and sounds like she could kill! Maggot is a bore surely there are better people in Goldie looking chain cause at the moment he’s more oldie acting pain! Faria is famous for shagging, I wanted to ask Jodie Marsh, when everyone stood up and performed ‘why they were famous for’ pieces’ – what did she do because they didn’t show it? I reckon she started dry humping the sofa whilst wearing and England kit and holding a football. I can’t think what else she could have done, can you?

So that’s my view on Big Brother housemates, oh god I nearly forgot Chantelle.. very very sweet I really like her and I want her to win. If I was her I would have been shitting it when I was lying and when she had to sing that song, poor girl! She did well!

Anyway before this whole piece is taken up with Big Brother I shall stop there believe it or not I do actually have a life outside of BB but only just! I have not been out massively lately a couple of local ones but you know what it’s like in January everyone’s skint and its all a bit of an anti climax really. I had a wicked New Year, I have just done a review on it so you can read it on The Loop soon.

I also had a good time at Warehouse last Saturday, it was the first time I had been there for ages. I was so worried at one point though, I put my bag down when I was having a boogie and when I went back to get it had gone! Naturally I thought it had been stolen but I was so lucky because someone had handed it in, how sweet it that? I was soo happy I must have kissed the girl about 30 times, in the end she was looking a bit scared! So apart from Warehouse I have been working manically and having girlie nights in and trying to stick to my New Years resolution. Its funny because I never ever make resolutions but this year I knew there was something that I had to change and the start of the New Year was the incentive I needed. I have decided that I am going to stop gossiping about people if someone tells me something about someone else I am going to try my hardest not to pass comment or get involved. Right I will let you know how that is going in due course but in the meantime try and get through January and use it as a ‘doing month’ getting things done sorted and on its way, if you are consciously pushing and motivating yourself then you will welcome January next year, that’s what I have been doing and I set my self one thing a day to do that way its easy to make progress.

Until next time from a very motivated Miss Essex and The City I will catch up soon!

Essex and the City 11

Posted on Sunday, 11th December 05

Oh Soooo its been yet another crazy crazy month for Miss Essex and The City, not only was it the debut of Bamboozle (the secret TV show that I have been filming for what seems like forever) But I also have a new and exciting job, now I don’t want to say to much as I am on a trial and if I end up not getting it then I will look like a wally wombat! So for now all I will say that it’s very exciting, it’s exactly what I want to do and most importantly its fun fun fun!

Right I haven’t been out loads due to the run up to Christmas it’s too cold and I have to get up at 5am for my new job but I still allowed time for the odd rampage! I swear though Christmas gets earlier every year and once again I am as disorganised as ever, not like my friend and business partner (remember the party design company: For all your party planning needs) Ellie McOrganised! I swear she must have got her presents in August, they are all wrapped up and distributed AND she’s sent all her cards! I haven’t even started wearing a coat yet and I still have some cards to send from last year!

Anyway along with this and four of my closet friends deciding it would be good to be born within the same two weeks, my life lately has been v hectic but as I said I always make room for a rampage! The first was a trip to the Ice bar last Thursday for Natalie’s Birthday, basically it’s a bar that is made completely of ice and no I am not insulting your intelligence, I thought you might (as I did) think that it was just a cool name for a bar, get it! Anyway it’s completely made of ice, the ceiling, the walls, the bar and even the glasses! and they give you these massive silver fur lined gowns and gloves to wear and if you’ve ever seen ‘Dude where’s my car’ then think ‘zoltan’, I felt the need to do that every 5 minutes while there. The drinks were pure vodka so it definitely warmed the cockles and after I licked the rude part of the ice sculpture, couldn’t feel my toes and had loooadddss of pictures taken ‘zoltan’ style it was time to go outside into the warm! Then on to The Living Room, it’s a new bar in the west end and its lovely! You must go there although I was pretty disappointed with the lack of clocks there……Girls!

So that was Nat’s and the following Saturday it was a proper family affair, there was 12 of us all cousins (or partners of cousins) me, Dan, my bro and step sis and we all went to my uncle’s new restaurant in Brookmans Park called Nolita’s. They own Bar Italia in Soho and Little Italy and this is their latest venture! It was wonderful, it is one of the nicest places I have ever been (I know I am bias) but it is! Not only is the food amazing but you can dance in there it shuts when it shuts and the service is impeccable. Apparently at about 8pm my cousin came over and said that someone called up and said ‘have you got a table for 4’ which they didn’t as it’s a Saturday night and you need to book at least two weeks in advance – anyway the person on the phone said, would it help if I told you it was the Beckhams and my cousin said ‘not really’ and put the phone down! How cool is that! At least he turned down the Beckhams!

To be fair we would have made room for them on our table and we wouldn’t have been put out, Posh could have nibbled on a bread stick and David, well he could have a nibble of whatever he liked! Anyway we had a great time and as always my cousins made it their mission to get us all so drunk with shots of grapper and B52’s so needless to say the night did end with me crying, hormonally over…. well… something.. I can’t even remember what! I woke up to that embarrassing feeling as soon as my eyes pinged open on Sunday morning and I had the hump with Dan but annoyingly I couldn’t remember why so I just played along with it for a while and then things went back to normal, but let me just tell you, you know you’re drunk when your brother says ‘you were well drunk last night’ this from the person we call ‘the limp wrist kid’ because after two beers he sways and spills his drink like he’s standing on a moving boat.

Anyway come Tuesday I was over the embarrassment and the shame and decided that is was time to think about Christmas presents, so once I’d made the list of things I wanted I turned my attention to other people. I swear last year I was brilliant and grinned along with the rest of the smug well prepared people, but this year I am soo busy I am going to have to settle with a whiz up the West End on Christmas Eve. No doubt with the queues, tourists and too much choice in Oxford Circus this is guaranteed to truly dampen my Christmas spirit, baa humbug! What is the best way to Christmas shop though? People say that the internet, I did it like that last year and yes it certainly took out the hassle but it also zapped a lot of the fun away, it was a bit too easy! Maybe I just love to punish my self with all the stress and hype I suppose it adds to Christmas doesn’t it? Although this does mean you get a bigger come down when it’s all over so maybe an easy ‘subtle’ Christmas is better?

God I am miserable you wouldn’t believe that I actually love Christmas and what’s not to love! You’ve got great feel good films on TV all the time, Santa Claus the movie, Home alone, Scrooge, Love Actually and many, many more. The food is plentiful and everyone has a sudden obsession with ‘nibbles’ you’re guaranteed to be well fed if you ‘pop’ in anywhere plus they are more than likely to have alcohol ‘for Christmas’! Everyone spends countless hours decorating their house, front door and trees, people smile more, go to the theatre and have more parties. Everyone releases their best single/book or dirty calendar; the kids break up from school thus making it easy to manoeuvre through West Essex without fear of road crush from one of the many pointless jeeps that usually litter our streets through term time. You get a chocolate every morning and don’t feel bad because ‘its Christmas’, and you are guaranteed at least one stroke of luck in the way of a cracker and if you don’t win then chances are if the party is at your house then you will end up with the presents anyway! So on that note Merry Christmas to you All!

P.S I had colonic again last week and it was better than I remembered I have such a flat tummy and I swear I don’t seem to be able to consume as much! I love it!

P.P.S Eggnog and Ginger Latte’s in Starbucks are wicked.

P.P.P.S I am not happy about the KFC in Loughton, No more neon lighting in our town please! It’s staring to look like Bangkok minus the lady boys and if you’re wondering where they were - Blue Mondays Sunday night!

Essex and the City 10

Posted on Saturday, 22nd October 05

Oh goodness, where to begin where to begin, so much to say and so little time! This month has been jam packed and I feel like I have been running around like a headless chicken with no where near enough hours in the day! The good news is that I finally got my new car; the bad news is I have crashed it twice and got a puncture and all in the first week! Both knocks weren’t that bad but the second one did leave quite a nasty scrape down the side which will have to be sorted, more embarrassingly though was that it was done as a group of college kids where about to cross the road and as I got out it to check the car it was hard to concentrate over the ooh’s, ummm’s and sniggers. I felt like saying why don’t you go and find yourself a YTS placement and p8ss off but then I remembered I was a student once and just as immature so I chose to ignore them. It did get me thinking though, being at college seems like a life time ago now and (as Anita Baker once said) ‘where does the time go’?

I have been in quite a reflective mood this month, I think its due to the change of season, I love this time of year, the forest is gorgeous and that combined with the fact its been quite warm lately I seem to come over all nostalgic and its quite nice!

I have been having good girlie nights out lately and Enchanted @ Abacus was one of the highlights of my month, it was really really good and so nice to get out of the area for a change I would highly recommend it. The following week (on the success of the week before) we went to Faces and although we had a brilliant night in there all of us have complete blank spots throughout the evening, my advice - never drink pink champagne on an empty stomach! I was suffering so badly the next day I couldn’t even drive and that is so not like me. Since I have given up smoking my nights out go by without a hang over so I can only assume it was the champagne, needless to say I had the severe horrors on Sunday -thank goodness I spent the day at my dads for some family support!

Anyway being in the reflective mood that I have been this month I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately. I think you get to a certain age where the prospect of not knowing where you are going starts to scare the sh8t out of you and at this moment in time I am really scared! When you’re younger the thought of marriage and children seems so far off but before you know it you are late 20’s (god I’m old) and it’s worrying that I am still thinking things like ‘when I’m older I am going be a pop star or a dancer’ or ‘when I grow up I want to marry Corey Haim’ actually I take that last one back – have you seen him recently in Heat? Oh it’s awful. If you can’t remember who he is then think The Lost Boys and Licence to drive – in fact here is a photo to remind you.

This was the boy that not only filled my bedroom walls but also got a kiss every night, day and afternoon (in fact I kissed him so much that I actually rubbed his lips off) All I can say now is what the hell happened?

Its like he is a totally different person, I am gutted it’s like a part of me has died he has officially broke my heart! As if discovering that Mikey out of the gooneys is now one of the fat hobbits out of Lord of the Rings (see below) wasn’t bad enough I now have to get my head round an extremely disturbing looking Cory Haim. I ask you how are you suppose to enjoy the prospect of getting older when there is a chance that you could end up looking like a totally different (rank) person, you would never have thought that Corey Haim would grow up to look like this would you? I am scared!

There is only one way to get the polluted image out of your mind and that is by registering on the J17 archive website and by watching copious amounts of his old eighties films.

So what is it with the thought of growing up? When I was about 15 all I wanted to do was hit 18 so I could do what I want and actually carry out the threat of ‘you wait until I am 18 I am sooo moving out’ needless to say I now actually miss living at home with my mum and worrying about bills and stuff is not fun! I remember saying to my dad when I was younger ‘dad when can I go out at night’ and he used to say ‘any age, you are allowed to go wherever you like whenever you like…. As long as you’re with me’! Now I am allowed to do what I want it’s nowhere near as much fun as rebelling against something or someone! The funny thing is as well when you hit 23 things don’t change; it’s like clocking up the miles but not moving very far it’s a very sad fact! So from now on I am going to cherish my inner child! I am going to have a more parties (like for Halloween and fireworks night) and organise more games nights and with the festive season just around the corner I am really looking forward to it!

P.S Make sure if you are throwing a firework party that a.) don’t pick up the sparkler the wrong end (how much did that advert scare you!!) and b.) That you get your fireworks form News Box the newsagents next to Homebase in Loughton, they are really helpful in there and cheap! (They also to THE BEST penny sweets in Essex! The Editor.)

P.P.S I am Lost with Lost…

P.P.P.S My friend Kate and I have discovered instead of ‘you are what you eat’ we have come up with a new one, ‘you are what you rhyme’ for example if your name was: Kate you’d me ‘great mate’ or Caroline you would be ‘more than fine’ OBVIOUSLY ours rhyme with something lovely, but not everyone is as fortunate. Imagine if you were called Rick or Tanker – what would your name rhyme with. I suggest you try this theory out on ex boyfriends, I think you will be surprised at how often they rhyme with something horrible. Please log onto the forum with suggestions!

P.P.S This Saturday there is a wicked new night on called ‘Chateauneaf de pap’ its at Canal 125 (ex babushka), its on the unassuming Caledonian road in Islington, (five mins from Kings Cross tube) its three floors of classy house old and new and is mega funky and trendy! It will be brilliant, See you there!

Essex and the City 9

Posted on Thursday, 18th August 05

Well this month has been more interesting for Miss Essex in the City than usual.

Firstly there was my long awaited girlie holiday that was better than I could have imagined, I forgot how wicked Ibiza really is! I love it! Anyway you can read all about that in my travel piece about the island itself and what I got up to there is far too much to tell and it would take up the whole of my monthly installment! It is fair to say though I have got serious holiday blues!

Also this month my mum held her first Lock and Key party at Minx and it was such a laugh and she is now going to be doing them monthly. Basically all the boys get a key and all the girls get a lock (which they wear round there necks) and then you try and find your match (it doesn’t matter if you are single or not it’s just a laugh) and once you have found them you go and get a raffle ticket. At the end of the night the raffle is drawn and you win some wicked prizes, I had about 15 raffle tickets and did I win anything? Not a sausage! It was so much fun though it was like a massive party because everyone was talking to each other and having a right laugh; it was my friend Rob’s birthday as well so I made everyone sing Happy Birthday (which he was not happy about). A good night was had by all and I can’t wait for the next one on September 7th in Minx, get yourselves down there it’s a laugh - it is strictly over 25’s though.

To be honest I have been in a bit of a bad mood this month I don’t know if its because I am slightly hormonal or what, it just seems like everything is getting on my nerves and I am in Janet Street Porter mode most of the time, trying to put the world to rights and letting people get under my skin! Plus Ibiza came and went far too quickly as these things do, so I am organising a reunion with a trip to Manchester for me and girls so we have something to look forward to!

Anyway enough of angry woman, I have got more interesting things to do with my time than to worry - like sorting out my tent for the V festival. I swear the last 3 years I have been to V I have been so up tight about it all; I am paranoid about going to the loo because they absolutely stink and you can’t get near them. I stress about having a tent to sleep in or not having a shower and I always come home thinking that it’s not worth the head ache. So this year I am going to be a proper festival chick and I am going for the whole weekend, I will camp out in a tent and I will brave the toilets if I have to, I may even get a henna tattoo done on my face, buy a stupid hat and actually watch one of the bands! Basically whatever it takes to roll with it I just hope it doesn’t rain or I am coming home quicker than you can say Kaiser Chiefs! I have got one advantage though and that is the access all areas pass that my brother got me, he has his own PR Company and he was sent two free passes. Now he could have sold one, or given it to one of his mates but no instead he gave it to me his little sis, what a nice thing to do. To be honest he is always kind to me like that and I can honestly say that he is one of my best mates, I rely on him a lot more than he probably realizes and I noticed that I never really mention him on my Essex and the city column so from now you will her a lot more about him!

So that is about it quite a boring month really apart from of course Ibiza! I have been out, but every where’s been a bit quiet I think it’s because it’s the time that people go away. We did have a wicked BBQ though at my friends - my brother did all the cooking including home made burgers which were amazing and we even had Karaoke. Being the wall flower that I am I was adamant that I wasn’t going to sing for the sake of all my friends, but I did, more than once in fact it annoyed me when anyone else was on it OR wanted to join in! Ha ha you could not get me off and to be honest Natalie was just as bad - in the end we shut both the French and lounge doors and just sung to each other - how sad are we!

I also ventured up to 195 the other night and was a little bit worse for wear and made it on wasted of the week, well for about two hours anyway. It was fine though, funny and I took it on the chin (which one? I hear you ask because in that photo I had about 3, when god was giving out chins I thought he said gins and asked for a treble!) But sod it you have got to be on there at least once don’t you? What do you mean no! Seriously though I didn’t care (as much as some it may seem) but it annoyed me that people felt the need to ring me up and make me feel bad about it, as if it’s a massive deal, don’t you hate that? For god sake it was a joke! Anyway so that has been about it but you will be hearing from me a little bit sooner than you think as I am going to be doing a review on this years V festival! I can’t wait! So until then enjoy the end of the summer (and in the words of Jerry Springer) look after yourselves and your brother because he is a great bloke!

P.S Apologies to my friend Ferrie for my outburst in Warehouse.. That place makes me wild!

P.P.S I went for a job interview the other day and it was all going well, I could really see myself working there. That was until I was told I would be sharing a v small office with ‘Gareth’, I don’t think I need to explain and yes Wendy I will get his number for you!

P.P.P.S I have sooo jumped on The Lost band wagon! It is so good.

Essex and the City 8

Posted on Monday, 4th July 05

So its about this time of year when people start going on holiday… and a lot of people chose Spain, namely the Costa del sol. Dan and I had the pleasure to go there for a week and to be honest it couldn’t have come sooner - we really needed the break. Where we stayed was lovely, it was between Marbella and Fuengerola which was perfect. We went to the port but it wasn’t that busy because it was out of season - we did however see two young boys from Hollyoaks in Linekers (I know who goes to Linekers but I wanted to boogie, I was drunk!) and they were surrounded by all these young Manchunians, one of them was sitting at the bar bored and when I went to get a drink she looked at me and stated ‘looks like my mates are going over tonight’ whilst gesturing to her mates desperately dancing round the Hollyoaks boys forming a small barricade! She was funny! But the Hollyoaks boys were far from celeb status! compared to the real star we saw in a new bar round the back of Sinatra’s.

Think bad taste in clothes, think ‘anyone who had a heart’ think blind date and being best friends with Dale Winton - yes that’s right Cilla F ing Black! She is a lege, I really wanted my photo taken with her but Dan said no it’s too sad! To top it off as well she turned up in a black sequined trousers suit, she had the token over hair sprayed barnet and everything! Do you remember when people used to say that her real name is Pricilla White - do you reckon that’s true?

Anyway so we had a wicked time and we ate so much, a good three meals a day and is it me or are the chips on holiday the nicest thing in the world - I was having them with a salad though, I am not that bad and plus going into Tormelinos was enough to put you off ever eating again. Please never go though; there should be a Government health warning underneath the ‘welcome to Torimilinos’ sign ‘welcome to Tormifatos’ more like. It all started one day when it was a bit cloudy and we thought what shall we do? I know there is a market on in Toremelinos how sweet! Little home made bits, some funky ethnic jewellery, key rings that you squeeze and their rude bits come out, if nothing more it should be quite fun.

How wrong we were! Firstly the market was more North Weald than Portobello Road and I have never seen so many overweight people in all my life. I know that I am known for being a bit of a ‘weightiest’ but this time I have good reason I swear. These people made Michelle McManus look anorexic - it’s not that I think it’s bad to be curvy or even a little bit overweight but not obese and not in shorts! It was like being in a kind of mini America or as my mum put it ‘Blackpool with sun’ and everywhere you looked these people were eating, they were walking around with ice creams, bags of crisps and sweets. When we sat down in one cafe I actually had to move seats, there was this family sitting there with a massive fry up each (with chips) and pints of coke, all in summer clothes and might I say spilling out of them! I and Dan took some pictures of some! I am sick!

I am evil and I know this but I am not going to change! Please don’t tell me it’s a gland thing either that so don’t wash with me! It’s like when you see chunky kids eating sweets and crisps all the time or they are in the super market with their parents and the trolley is just filled up with crap I want to shout at them. Why don’t they make their kids eat well? Half the beauty of having children I have always thought is telling them what to do, no?

Anyway apart from Toremfatos everything was lovely and once Dan got rid of the ants in his pants and finally relaxed it was lovely and chilled and I didn’t want to come home! We did though and once home and dry after an about 27 hours it felt like we had never been away! Don’t you hate that? And do you know what else I hate, when you come back from holiday and someone asks you a million questions about what you did? They say things like. ‘Did you go there when you were in Spain’ Or ‘didn’t you see bla bla bla when you were there?’ you feel like an idiot when you say no you didn’t; they make you feel like their holiday was better. It’s as if they are competing but I have come up with a plan to get one up. Next time someone says something, make up fake places that you have been to, say things like ‘what you didn’t go there’ and then sort of sigh as if to say ‘god you’ve missed out’ you could do this with three or more locations - the funniest would be though if someone said, yes I have been there ha ha can you imagine!

So back to reality and I really missed the girls so it was nice to have a catch up, my friend Jo who lives in Australia (lucky cow) was back for a while too so it was good to have a gossip. It made me realise that since she’s been away not a lot has changed but then so much has happened do you know what I mean? When people that you haven’t seen for ages ask you what you’ve been up to you feel like such a wally saying - nothing actually! We did watch some clips from some of the shows I’ve been on lately (they are all bits that make up my top secret TV show) and there is one thing that I did for This Morning and I didn’t realise how funny it was until I watched it again, I can’t believe I kept a straight face while I did it! Seeing it though has made me really excited about when it comes out even if no one watches it, what I had to do in 8 months of filming to make it was hard work but so worth it! I think this is one of the reasons why I can’t seem to get a normal job.

I have had such fun in the last 8 months - that the thought of going back to a boring office job makes me want to cry - hence the walking out at lunch of my last temp job! The thing is unless all your friends are off work as well you start to get a little bit bored and the prospect of Cheshunt with your mum on a grey Tuesday afternoon is actually quite appealing and with a mum like mine that is saying something! For those of you who know her she is completely nuts (but in a good way) she is worse than me, to say she doesn’t suffer fools gladly is the understatement of the year. She is actually quite frightening, she has to have a row a day she thinks it’s healthy. God help you if you are a having a bad day or are a little bit laid back and you work in a shop in Loughton she only has to say ‘excuse me’ in her undermining tone and you want to cry! She thinks she knows everything (and most of the time she does) and she only has to give a certain look at people which says it all, God I hope I have that power when I am older! So having spent a couple of weeks with my mum while I’ve been back I can say that her bitchiness has rubbed off a lot on me and I feel I am getting worse! Oh god!

P.S Oh my god I nearly forgot to say! I went to 195 with the girls when I got back and I was in the toilet and this girl came up to me (someone I knew) and said ‘you think you are so good because you write for the Loop’ firstly I didn’t think they allowed men in the girls toilets and secondly I went to University for 4 years and studied writing and I although I don’t think I am ‘so good’ I am proud that I write for the Loop and that people do read it - not only that it also allows me to expose horrible over tanned men sorry I mean women like yourself!

P.P.S Why don’t ex girlfriends just get over it, they are still fluttering around after all this time, thinking they may have a chance - have some pride.

P.P.P.S Just quickly how annoying are those chain emails? They are evil, you know the ones that say if you don’t forward this on you will have bad luck for the rest of your life or a loved one will die it’s so horrible! Do me a favour if you ever get one just delete it? They serve no purpose and are no fun; they just put you in a bad mood and make you worry for a minute.

P.P.P.P.S Ellie has just got back from Thailand and lost wait for it....... 10 lbs in a week from detox camp! I am going to spend a year there!

P.P.P.P.P.S (and then I promise I will go) We had a great night in Minx on Sunday (bank holiday weekend) and we were all having a boogie. I hang around in a massive mixed group and we were saying how funny it is that we are usually the only ones dancing, we are going to start hiring ourselves out to get people’s party’s going - like in Van Wilder that is such a wicked film.... write that down!

Essex and the City 7

Posted on Monday, 20th June 05

So I am writing this from my new temp job, I am in the Canary Wharf tower on the 29th floor and I am bored There is only so many times you can check your hotmail, stare out the window or look at the galleries on the Loop. I do get to do my own thing though which is quite handy and it’s a small office so less people to pretend to like - but I hate working, especially in an office.

I know everyone moans about the journey and stuff but it’s not that. Although I am an evil traveller - I have got a big bag and I love hitting people with it and I pretend I can’t see pregnant or old people (don’t make out you don’t do the same.) I hate seeing people I know as well, it’s like dodging mines trying to avoid them, I swear I am so good at giving that ‘in a world of my own look’ when really I have spotted you! I am such a grouch in the mornings that I have even ignored family just so I can read my paper in peace. I know that I am not alone though because I get it done to me, I remember I used to meet my friend Andy in the mornings and he used to buy me a paper so I wouldn’t talk to him (see that is what I love about boy mates, no nonsense.)

You must agree, there is nothing worse than someone from school that you haven’t seen for about 4 years or someone you only speak to when you are drunk wanting to chat, the first question you ask is ‘where are you getting off’ so you know how long you have to put up with them for! There should be no talking allowed on the tube like libraries, well you do read on both don’t you? I may put it to my MP.

Believe it or not the tube is not the main thing I hate about work although it comes a close second, no the thing I hate is wearing a suit or dressing smart in general its just not me and I feel like such a geek! I live and die in jeans and for the last 5 years I have worked for Media companies where you can wear whatever you like, so to come somewhere really corporate where you have to dress like a middle aged woman is a nightmare for me. Not being able to stand it any longer on the second day of my temp job I boycotted the dress code and wore jeans and trainers, no one said a word, well apart from the receptionists that said ‘you are so lucky that you can wear jeans and trainers’ I said I am not allowed but what’s the difference I am still doing the same job and am more comfortable so actually doing it better.

Right after that little out burst I am going to now tell you about my latest night as a gate keeper although it wasn’t at Minx this time but at Bar Locks. Once again I was in charge of the guest list and worked with two wicked bouncers, they work at 195 and embarrassingly they recognised me from the night before but not because of my elegant syle and flair, no no no! No they recognised me because I was, what can only be described as ‘set apon’ by two girls the night before! Basically I was on my way to the bar when I accidently bumped into some girl, I apologised but you know when someone just makes a big deal so I just said ‘Oh do you know what, F**** off’’ and at that point this little tramp grabbed my hair! I was so embarrassed, some boy pulled her away and she was still going off on one with her silly mate so I flicked my hair back let her get on with it and strolled (not ran) off. It was so bizarre though - like a scene from footballers wives - Champagne flutes at dawn! (well mine was, I think she was drinking cider!) You won’t be seeing them in 195 again.

Anyway Bar Locks. To be honest I was a little bit worried about Bar Locks due to its location, I mean Leabridge road is not recognised as an idyllic location (although I would recommend going down there if you wish to purchase an ornate plastic shell bed with effective neon trim). Seriously though I was really surprised (it is only just the other side of the Whipps Cross roundabout, very close to The Rising Sun) On the launch night there was a really good crowd, the usual faces, the music was wicked and the decor was very trendy. All the staff where really well organised and friendly and most importantly you could dance in there!

I had a great time and I didn’t have one drink, this automatically made me designated driver though so I was happy to drop off Natalie and Laura at 195 (happy to get them out the car to be fair!) It made me realise how funny it is when you are sober and your mates are drunk, Laura kept shouting, not talking but shouting I thought she was doing it on purpose so someone could over hear but apparently wine affects her volume button! Then we had to have the same song on repeat the whole way there and they literally rolled out of the car when we pulled up! So yes after being on the wagon for one night when it came round to the following Thursday I thought I best join them!

Am going to Spain for a week to chill and tan, although have not told new job yet! Until then bye!

P.S My friend Ellie (Bum Doctor – see previous columns) is going to Thailand soon on a detox week (like the one on celebrity detox) apparently you can lose 12lbs in a week! I want a month there! Imagine a holiday where you get brown and thin! You know that’s my dream!

P.P.S There is now about 8 of us going to Ibiza with new recruits being big t*ts and Ellie! I am so excited! It is defo the place to be this year!

P.P.S I have just taken my long awaited lunch break at my new job and I have stretched out the hour - to in fact forever.. Yes that’s right I am not going back, I have discussed it with relevant people (mum, Natalie, Laura, Emma and Louise) and they have all agreed - ‘How dare they make you do any work!’ such a conscientious hard working lot!

Essex and the City 6

Posted on Thursday, 28th April 05

So a lot has gone on this month really, there was the opening of Minx a couple of weeks ago, Easter Weekend and in my case (and I don’t know about anyone else) but some kind of drama has occurred every time I have gone out, its either me rowing with someone (when drunk) or me causing some kind of row (when drunk) or just generally being a little bit of an annoying drunk! So I have decided that for the next few weekends I am on the wagon!

The long awaited launch of Minx finally happened and guess who they asked to do the guest list for the launch night? Yes moi! My role may have been titled as ‘door woman’ but I much prefer the term gate keeper!

At the end of the day it was me who said who could come in and who couldn’t, would it have been fair to say that I abused my position of power? Yes I think it would! I! I ‘accidentally’ scrubbed off a girls name who went with an ex of mine so that was nice (hmm some people let power go to their head – Editor!) but more to the point how nice is Minx?!

It is everything I wanted and more! It’s trendy and cool, the upstairs restaurant Sheesha is authentically Moroccan with lots of candles, soft music tapestry seats and dark wooden benches and to be honest you could have been anywhere. Its hard to believe that this used to be an old boozer that was nicknamed ‘the pit’ the food is amazing, hors doeuvres were handed round all night and at first I was declining politely as if to give a more demure impression that I don’t eat much, but after a few vodka’s I was actually following the tray people round - they were delicious!

And don’t even get me started on the chocolate fountain, you actually got to dip marshmallow or profiteroles in free-flowing luxurious (not your moody Easter egg style) chocolate and it was amazing! I bet there were so many women there who like me just wanted to stick their whole face in it! In fact due to the over powering bronzer of one girl I saw - maybe she had!

The atmosphere is China Whites/Soho House especially the upstairs and the downstairs reminds you a bit of a boudoir, four poster style (like the bed club in New York, remember in Sex in the City!) I honestly loved it because as I said before you could be anywhere and also because it’s not designed to be poncy, it’s dark and sexy and more to the point local - which means I can roll home!

Dan (my man) is actually working in there which naturally makes the place double more appealing for me although at first I hated the idea; I was worried that girls would flirt with him and vice versa. The thought did cross my mind that to sit at the end of the bar every night spying but then I would only get slowly drunk and snire at every pretty girl went to the bar - which lets face it is only acceptable if you are filming a Western and are in fact a man!

So I was determined not to get jealous and more to the point not let him see that I was (this is so the way to go, never ever show them that you are jealous, just think back to how annoying it is when they don’t get jealous, it all makes sense) so I was all smiles and ‘good luck’ on your first night telling him that I would pop in later (the fact that I was going there anyway, was not spying) so I went there and do you know what I was quite proud of him, half because he looks so sexy all in black but mostly because he just gets on with it. Dan is one of those people who if he fancies doing something he will, he works as a landscaper but wanted to work at the weekends because he is a bit quiet this time of year.

So instead of getting all stressed and worried he just got himself another job ‘that he thinks is fun’ and it made me realise that he is one of the only people that I know that when he says he wants to do something he does. He has got so much self belief and I think that is half the battle with being successful in this day and age, getting over that fear of failure. He tries things and anything that he says he wants to do - gets done, the other day he told me he wants to join the RAF, I just hope he was joking!

So although I was proud of my little munchkin for his bar skills and the fact that he works hard, my pride was slightly dented when he called me a ‘selfish know it all’ the other day, I said to him, ‘I don’t think I know it all - I know I do!’ Never the less here is a photo of him and I, so now you know who is and can say hi to him at Minx when you go in!

So that was Minx then we had Easter where popping out for a few on Thursday turned into a Warehouse night (see photo’s), although don’t assume that just because I am holding a bottle of water that I am partaking in something naughty because that is soo not me! Can you imagine if I wasn’t hyperactive enough (see photos of me in Minx on one of the opening nights running round like a nut case with the encouragement of Nick) and yes before you ask I am still allowed in there but only just!

It’s funny because After Easter weekend it took me until Thursday to get over the ‘I am never drinking again thing’ and even longer to shake off that nervous and worried feeling! Do you ever get that? I do and it’s seems to be taking longer to get rid of it these days! I wake up in the morning and first I smile and feel happy and then I come over all nervous and think ‘oh god who’s ear was I chewing off last night’ and ‘why can’t I remember anything’ that’s when I usually ring one of my BF’s to get the reassurance that I wasn’t actually that bad or that hopefully they did something worse than me! There is always some idiot that already sent you a text saying ‘you were out of it last night’ and you slide back into bed to hide away! It’s usually someone you don’t even really like which makes it worse!

Anyway that was me until Thursday at around 3pm when like a scene from wurzel gummidge I was given and new head and a new lease of life and was once more raring to go! More ear chewing was to be done, and I was going to be out and about to do it and not only that I ended up rowing with a friend and that is the worst! So yes I am staying off the vodka, steering clear of warehouse and having some nice grown up nights in, dinner with friends, cinema and DVD nights and I may even spend time with family!

So until next time from a slightly more Sober Miss Essex and The City I will speak to you then!

P.S I have written this on a Monday!

P.P.S Footballers wives is back on and as disturbed as ever! Excellent!

P.P.S How annoying is Suzanne Shaw, I know that she has a baby and its terrible that Darren Day walked out, but is she not the biggest idiot you know, she’s the kind of person that would let her child stay at the Neverland ranch… it just annoys me that she didn’t wait and had a baby with him after only 6 months!

P.P.S No more gorging for me now we have the summer to look forward to, did I mention that I am going to Ibiza? I think I may have! Yes I am going with all the girls and I can’t wait I am going to get colonic done before I go so I have a V flat tummy! I love my bum doctor so much (sorry not actually allowed to call her that as someone at Love puppy told her that they have copy written it) but yes I love her so much! She is one of the funniest people that I know and I am so pleased that we are friends, lets face it she does know me inside and out ha ha!

P.P.P.S Sorry will leave you alone now and get on with the more important task of looking for a job, I soo need to get some work, let me know if any of you hear of any PA jobs! Thank you!

Essex and the City 5

Posted on Tuesday, 8th March 05

Sooo I got an email today from a lady called Tricia (a self respecting Essex girl like myself) she has requested that I address the question of etiquette and should men pay?

It got me thinking about the whole chivalry deal that lets face it is a word that is rarely used to described men nowadays…Now I don’t want to come across as anti-men (god I am the opposite) but the truth is that the only time a man will hold the door open for you nowadays is if you’ve got the money or you’re carrying his crate of Stella!

A lot of men will argue that the reason why they are acting less and less gentlemanly is, in my eyes because of two things, the first being the fact that ‘you lot kept banging on about equal rights and started throwing yourself in front of horses’ an extremely ignorant point of view but a common one and the second reason being ‘treat em’ mean keep em keen!

Right well firstly let me give you an example of my brother, now Maud (his nick name because he can sometimes act just like such an old woman!) Maud is someone who my friends call ‘ideal boyfriend’ due to the fact that not only does he clean but is an amazing chef and extremely considerate. But even he draws the line at giving his seat up for a woman on the tube, sometimes even if she’s pregnant (largely due to the fact that she might just indeed be fat and therefore would cause an embarrassing scene). He even once said to me that the reason that he doesn’t offer his seat to women when on the tube is because if we say we want to be treated as equals then so be it, no special treatment!.. It makes me mad that it’s either one way or the other; obviously as a liberated woman I want equal rights if I do the same job as a man, then I want to be paid the same, but I do know that there are differences between men and women - like most women do.

I don’t throw a paddy because I think women should be allowed to use the urinals or I don’t take offence when I am not offered a pint of Stella, and who am I to argue with the fact that men like to lift weights when in the gym and women just like to chat in the steam room!

Of course there are differences between women and men, but god that doesn’t mean that one is better than the other or that one should have more freedom and choices, this is ultimately what happened before the Suffragettes and equal opportunities… But instead of men accepting this a lot of them threw their toys out the pram and decided that if we were going to make some changes then so would they, its pathetic and its because of this that men don’t act as gentlemanly as our granddads and its sad. But as I stated before there is another reason for this and its not just due to our fight for liberation no it’s because of their own insecurities and fear of putting them on the line!

Now please bear with me as for the piece I have had to try and think like a man (so not actually thinking much at all JOKE!) but because they still live believe in the late 80’s phrase ‘treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen’ they believe that women prefer men that treat them like crap! They are scared that they are going to mug themselves off and be treated like a doormat and I although I can half understand this what I can’t get my head around is why they would think that acting like an arrogant, tight arse will actually make us like them more!

Yea girls, like a bad boy but it’s very short term, and has as much substance as a bowl of angel delight, and any man knows that the kind of girl he gets from putting up this pretence is not the girl he wants to marry and usually acts about 15 or is actually 15, so no one wins.

We like it when you are nice guys but admittedly there is a thin line and thank goodness I am here to help! Let me first tell you about me if I am with someone for ages and they do a sweet thing every now and then, then that’s lovely… when Dan and I go for lunch or breakfast he automatically puts the sauces and stuff on my plate because he knows exactly what I like and I love that… but if I went out with a new bloke and he did that or pulled my chair out for me or took my coat well I would text my friends before we’d even got our menu’s and I hate to say it but it would put me off him because its a bit cringe able.

When I was about 13 I was seeing this boy and he asked if he could kiss me, it made me cringe it took away what little coolness he had! Hello it was a nice thing to do but asking me? I felt ill! And needless to say that the day after that I dumped him (and told all his mates and mine) just because I was evil… and it creeped me out!

This wasn’t the first time, I went out with a guy just before I got with Dan and I had been on one date when he started texting me rubbish like ‘I can’t wait to hear the sound of your voice blah blah blah’ I hated it and more to the point I didn’t believe him (partly due to the fact that the nick name at my old work was face of an angel, voice of a cleaner!) But it wasn’t just that he was just a bit wet, and when I finished with him (via text) I was confronted in Faces - ‘Caroline what happened to us’ and I said ‘Well to be honest the things you said to me after such a short space of time didn’t seem genuine.’ He looked at me for a while and just as I went to walk off he grabbed my arm and said ‘No, I really am that nice a guy’ ummm right…. Thanks for that and thanks for reconfirming the fact that anyone that uses the word guy is not for me!

So in conclusion and in answer to Trisha’s question what happens when it comes to paying? Well I think men should pay to start with and before any men that read this raise their eyes, I don’t mean that because all women want a free meal and are tight. It’s just that it’s a good way for us to find out if men are, and no one wants to be with someone tight because that usually means that they are a bit mean. And yes, I do think that it’s a bit different if you’ve been with together a while, then it should be equal and as from a woman’s point of view you need to associate with the notion that what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine… Oh hold on I think I have said that wrong… what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine… oh sh*t well you know what I mean! Until next time all!

Mean or Keen do’s and don’ts

Don’t put your coat over a puddle (a piggy back is cute and cool!)
Do buy her a card as well as a present - it means more than the present!
Don’t ask her ring size on her first date!
Do buy pay for her on the first date, even if you just go for a drink!
Don’t get a tattoo of her name after two weeks!
Do make sure she gets in her house when you drop her off rather than speeding away to get home for the football highlights!
Don’t tell her its fine when she wants to snog your best friend ‘if you’re happy I am happy darling’!
Do go straight home after taking her out rather than letting her find out that you were seen ‘having it at warehouse’ after you dropped her off!
Don’t quote poetry to her on your second date!
Do remember her Birthday when she tells you the first time, as it’s guaranteed she will know yours before you’ve even told her, thus working out your star sign!

P.S how good is the apprentice on channel 2 - I love it!

P.P.S Is it me or is everyone skint at the moment? No one has got any money including me! It’s so annoying but I think it’s this weird time elf year… I am scared because it’s my birthday in 3 months and I will be 26 - now to me that seems old! 25 is still young but it all changes when you turn 26 and the sick thing is I still feel the same as when I was 21 no different.. And what’s worse is that I still act about 14! I ventured up to Sky for the first time and was impressed! It was nice to get out of the area to be honest, I was saying to my friend Natalie that everytime I go out lately there are people that I don’t want to see - do you ever get that?? It’s always a group or girls hanging round the entrance of the toilets whispering about you, but you have to rise above it because if there’s one of you and three of them and you are their topic of conversation then flattery is the only way to think of it.

Essex and the City 4

Posted on Tuesday, 15th February 05

Roses are red violets are blue… it’s been valentines - now anyone will do! Lets face it no one wants to be alone around valentines day.. and you have to admit there is pressure to ‘for you and your man prove yourself (even though it is so blatantly a day made for women!) but for all those people out there who are single or have just got let down boyfriends or girlfriends then don’t you worry! there was a saving grace; Valentines Day was on a Monday, yep that’s right, a boring Monday! Not an annoying Friday where everyone at work keeps asking you ‘what you doing tonight’ or a depressing ‘single’ Saturday where the thought of watching stars in their eyes followed by who wants to be a pissing millionaire makes you want to kill yourself! No instead as luck would have it was a boring, may as well be a right off rubbish Monday! It came and went as quick as the ‘clog’ faze of the early 90’s! No one even noticed did they… so the pressure is off phew!!

Its funny isn’t it… I am a romantic at heart but you do get bitter in your old age! And without sounding like one of those people that don’t celebrate Christmas or insist their children call them by their first name! (They are so annoying!) , I hate the fact that we have to celebrate Valentines Day, I think it’s good if you choose that day to let a certain someone know that you like them, but the tradition is you don’t even put who it’s from, just a question mark, I mean what is the point of that! When I was younger at school we used to have a post box in reception where you could send someone in the school that you loved a card… hello how evil is that! How nasty… lets face it there has to be at least half the people in the school that didn’t get one… and those that did where either popular already or they were sent one for a joke! ha ha I sent loads! I remember telling the boys in my class that they had better send me one or I would hit them! I was evil!

It’s funny because I was talking to one of my friends, we were in the Hollybush and anyone that grew up in loughton will know that you go in there, you are guaranteed to see someone from school! And no matter how polite you are to each other you know that you are only conversing out of politeness and the bottom line is you still don’t really like her and she still hates you and you know why? School status still stands! It does not matter in the slightest if the dweebiest girl in the school walks into that pub looking like Jennifer Lopez and with a Jude Law look alike on her arm she will always rank the same within the school status code of conduct.. and although for a minute you might envy her new make over and hunky beau it only takes 30 seconds to remember the day she fell off her chair in the dinner hall and the fact that her man is from ‘out of town’ for things to return to normality and people like me feel safe again, because lets face it for some of us who haven’t done particularly well in life - school status is all we have!

It makes me laugh that nearly 10 years on and we still judge people for this. I was talking to my friend Andy about it over lunch the other day and he came up with an interesting point, he said that he is always wary of someone he didn’t know in school but is suddenly mates with now, you know someone that suddenly comes on the scene as almost from nowhere and you are all friendly bob until you find out that they went to your school but you never knew them and then things change, I know what he means, I have a couple of people I know like that now, its like they have got one big major plan, they have held that grudge for the last 10 years after you pushed in front of them in the dinner hall or took the p out of the way they smoked! It’s just a theory I have and would like to share, always keep one eye open!

eriously I am not as shallow as I look, seem and act and I was never a bully. I was to wrapped up in boys! Literally!

Talking of boys… and I mean that in the skinny spotty sense… what the hell is going on with Kate moss and Pete Docherty he is so ming, have you see his teeth? he looks like he doesn’t have a home and apparently he was a burglar why would she want to go out with him and more to the point he looks about 14! Mind you I can talk, I threw a surprise party for Dan’s birthday (which might I add was THE most stressful thing ever!) anyway when I bought the party poppers the lady at the till said ‘you do know you have to be 16 to buy them’ I said hello I am 25, I loved it! And with this is mind when I went to the British Queen on Friday (DJ smarty is still floating around, I swear he is there just to remind you of your younger days and I don’t mean that in a good way) but anyway I thought the bouncer had stopped me for I.D and I was like ‘oh not again.. I get this all the time… it happened to me the other day, when buying party poppers’ and the bouncer just looked at me and said ‘err I was talking to your friend’! ha ha I ran off to hide!

But after a few drinks I soon got over it and I must say the British Queen was booming we were dancing and everything, I came out of there feeling more than merry and without wanting the night to end I tracked down Dan, who was at a party in the flat opposite (don’t ask) so I went there and much to everyone’s dismay, including the neighbours carried on dancing and woke up with a bruise on my eye and my elbow and many other UPI’S (Unidentified pissed injury’s)!

So that’s about it really, January has been a bit boring for me, I just haven’t felt like partying it has just felt like one big f ing Monday but anyway its done now over and we can look forward to spring.. start booking holidays it’s the only way forward, then you have something to look forward to and you can start picking out your summer style as we speak.. will it be Marbella or Ibiza? We are going to Ibiza and I know I brought it up before but I am so excited! I would love to DJ out there.. I am going to try and get a job as a DJ..

P.S Make this year girl power year.. I have decided girl power is cool again and if your man is unreliable then the only advice is to play them at their own game, I promise you it will work...and they won’t even fall for it, out smarting them is not only the way forward but also V easy to do!

P.P.S I am loving desperate housewives but… has Terri Hatcher had a face lift?? Once we found out what’s under the pool - then what and how you know the voice over woman? She as the one that killed herself because of her big dirty secret didn’t she? Well I know why! she happened to stumble across a recording of her voice and she couldn’t come to terms with the fact that she sounds like a cross between someone who works on a sex line and a female Lloyd Grossman! (next time listen and see)

See you in a couple of weeks!

Essex and the City 3

Posted on Monday, 31st January 05

So I am just about to go for my colonic irrigation and I am a mixture between excited (in a I am going to have a flat tummy after all this kind of way) and scared which I didn’t think I would be. I am scared of a lot of things, really scared that the tube won’t fit, scared my bum doctor might laugh, but worst of all I am scared that it will be discovered (on the basis that I am an extremely windy person) that my ‘waste’ will in some way be abnormal and my bum doctor will shriek in horror and cry, ‘oh my goodness I have never seen anything like it’! So that is how feel but I am sure this is normal, well I hope it is, I think its just nerves but then can you blame me, I don’t think anyone has really seen that area of me close up before, let alone a stranger!, So I will take a few deep breaths and walk over to the clinic where my bottom examiner will be waiting, tube in hand!.....

Right so I’ve just come back and all I can say is ‘oh my god!’ it was amazing I loved it, I feel about 8 stone lighter.. like I have been reborn! My bum doctor (who is not only worthy of a name now, but a knighthood!, Ellie) was fantastic. She talked my through exactly what was going to happen step by step so I would be prepared for any shocks, I asked her a million questions like, ‘has anyone ever pooed themselves? (yes but not badly and who cares), passed out? (no) or has the tube never not gone in? (never) Will it hurt? (no), how big’s the tube (about the size width ways of a 2p piece) and will I be able to see it (yes unless you close your eyes) will I be walking like John Wayne afterwards (wouldn’t be the first time, but on this occasion no!) And most importantly will I have a flat tummy afterwards (yes flat as a pancake), so at this point I was quite happy. I was then told about the colon flush in detail, at first I thought she was referring to a ride at fantaseas (remember there?) and then I was assured that this was in fact something we wanted to happened and that was a good thing, basically flashing out all the cr*p!

I was still a bit scared and slightly embarrassed although Ellie assured me that she see’s it everyday and that it really doesn’t bother her in fact her words were ‘I could eat a roast dinner in front of it and it wouldn’t put me off’ uummm lumpy gravy (I swear I am four years old).. Heather (Editor of The Loop and taker of the lovely photographs) was looking at me reassuringly with a look of what I mistook for horror on her face which was actually jealousy, she is pregnant and she is V gassy and she gets embarrassed having to let it out all the time (thanks for sharing that with everyone - H!) I love her! Oh why oh why don’t we live in a society where farting is acceptable!

Anyway, the tube went in, but not as far as you would think so it didn’t hurt and Ellie put a lube (ha ha lube!) on it that has a local anaesthetic in it so after about 5 mins you don’t feel it at all and when the water went in it was warm and just felt just like I was sitting in a warm bath. Ellie was chatting away about the sensations I would feel throughout the process and what would be happening but with words I could understand like, sh*t, cr*p, gas and blow off etc.. so it made the experience feel even less daunting but it did give me the giggles (as I said I am four), in fact Ellie had me in fits most of the time she was brilliant and at some points it felt like all three of us were out for lunch rather than the gross reality that I was sitting there with a tube up my bum being flushed!

When my session was up I felt light and my tum was so flat and even flatter the next day I didn’t feel bloated at all and it made me think I walk about bloated most of the time there was such a difference afterwards! Ellie was great and I really admired her, she started the whole colonic thing because she used to have it done at the West End and always found the travelling such a hassle so she looked for somewhere round here and there wasn’t anywhere so got qualified and set up her own. I thought, what a great achievement, she had an idea and she just ‘did it’ and this made me all self motivated when I got home so as I sat there on the loo for a while and I organised my whole month including booking my holiday for Ibiza and sorting out my finances!

So I am now completely hooked on colonic and am going to be one of those annoying people that keeps going on about it! I found out that I am as I always knew a v windy person, which my friends and family will vouch for and as my dad always says there is only one thing good for wind - and that’s a kite, so get yourselves down there it comes highly recommended!

PS Thank you Heather for coming with me – how funny was the viewing area.

PPS Thank you to Ellie for my Colonic Hydrotherapy. If any of you are interested in having this done please call The Goldings Hill Clinic on 0208 508 7514 1 Lower Rd, Loughton. She has a waiting list but appointments are flexible (as is her tube!) and cost £60 per session. She does group bookings, gift vouchers, Hen Nights – what are you waiting for? Give her a call!

PPPS Two things – have you ever done a spinning class? It is like torture on wheels!And another thing have you ever watched the sex inspectors? It’s on at about 11pm on channel 4 on a Thursday, now I am no prood, but it made me feel ill… Watching ‘normal’ (I say normal, but that’s like low budget ‘anyone that will shag on TV’ terms) couples doing it and then people examining where they are going wrong etc.. Me and Dan watched it and in the morning we both woke up feeling all guilty ‘do you remember what we watched last night?’ (Hello! We watched it all)’ ‘yea. Let’s not talk about it?’ I think I speak for us both when I say we felt violated! See you in a couple of weeks!

Essex and the City 2

Posted on Wednesday, 10th November 04

So it’s a massive build up to Christmas and most of us are still of the age where we have to spend at least £300 on that special person in our lives for fear that they will spend any less on us! Its funny because there is nothing better than gloating as to what your man bought you even if you did choose it yourself, tried it on, put it buy in the shop for him to pick and even wore it before Christmas day – just to utter those words’ my Dan bought it for me… he’s such a sweetie’ fills us with glee.. and the look on your single mates face is always a picture.. that is until you realize they are actually spending Christmas AND New Year in Thailand and having big fat single fun (you know who you are) but anyway Christmas is a time for giving (give to receive I always say) and a time for letting bygones be bygones, time to stretch out that olive branch to those you have less helpful to before, time to speak only positive words of encouragement to those around you and most importantly time to actually send off those Christmas cards that you have written! Don’t you find you get all pro-active, write your cards but don’t get posted! Why do we always do that! I cringe when I see the unopened envelopes that I never sent, occasionally I have actually opened them before as well – just to see…

But not this year, this year I have decided to change my habit of a lifetime and actually send them, yep that’s right all grown up I am going to send the cards to peoples actual homes! But there is one thing I will not do, and that is send them from me & Dan, lots of love Dan and Liner! Sooo naff it makes me laugh you get the do card from someone that you haven’t spoken to in ages or someone from school and they put, from sue and bob – the point is you’ve never even met bob, who cares!

These are the same people that use the phrase ‘we’ all the time its so annoying… ‘We like a nice Chinese’ or ‘we prefer Bluewater’. So desperate to let people know they are with someone… Whatever happened to I, I, I, the only time I think ‘we’ is acceptable is when he does something good and I want a bit of the credit for it, ‘we have knocked down one of the walls in the flat to make it open plan’ hello the only part I played in that project was moaning about the mess and dust! So please can people refrain from that terminology when in my company…

I swear I have just realized something! I am turning into my mother! And for those of you who know her know what that means! I swear she is turning into a grumpy old man – me and my brother have re named her uncle Albert because she does not stop, when it was fireworks night the other day, she called me to moan ‘some idiot is letting off fire works, I can’t believe it, they’re scaring Lilly, (the cat) they have been off since 7.30pm till 10 I am sick of it’ but mum it’s fire works night ‘they should be banned’ ‘but mum you might have liked fire works when you were younger’’ ‘I didn’t not since a rocket set fire to my jumper and then that same year a fire work came through our open kitchen window and set fire to a box of fire works in the kitchen!’ ……….. Actually no wonder she hates them!

Anyway I bought another little dog this week from Battersea I am naughty! She is like a little Fox she is half chu wa wa gorgeous, I have called her Chilli, she is so cute I want to bite her, she gets on really well with Harry (although he did try and hump her causing his tinkle to pop out - eeuuww’ but more to the point she fits in my new brown suede bag! Although the first time she went in there she did wee! But she loves it now!

Essex In The City 1P.S I ventured up to 195 a couple of Thursday’s ago (the best night up there) and my friend and I Laura, were the only ones on the dance floor, and some girl came sliding over, (I am sure she had a wide loads sticker printed on the back of her arse.. and pushed into us).. With all my might and strength I pushed her back, spraining something in the process.. And her response..Essex In The City 2 I don’t think I can even bring myself to repeat it… ‘Don’t push me c**t I was mortified’.. I had to ask, in disbelief if anything ‘excuse me? What did you say?’ before she could answer her mate dragged (I say dragged but she actually got a firm in to tow her away) and that was that… please girls save that word for special, like when you’re talking about his new bird!

Essex In The City 2P.P.S I got my friend Emma a job at my work and she snogged the office hunk at our masked ball! Hello! It was her first day! Anyway attached is a picture of us in our masks.. I love it! Have a giggle with the photos below!!

Essex and the City 1