The Loop Guide to Clubbing, Drinking, plus West Essex and East London living.

So its about this time of year when people start going on holiday… and a lot of people chose Spain, namely the Costa del sol. Dan and I had the pleasure to go there for a week and to be honest it couldn’t have come sooner - we really needed the break. Where we stayed was lovely, it was between Marbella and Fuengerola which was perfect. We went to the port but it wasn’t that busy because it was out of season - we did however see two young boys from Hollyoaks in Linekers (I know who goes to Linekers but I wanted to boogie, I was drunk!) and they were surrounded by all these young Manchunians, one of them was sitting at the bar bored and when I went to get a drink she looked at me and stated ‘looks like my mates are going over tonight’ whilst gesturing to her mates desperately dancing round the Hollyoaks boys forming a small barricade! She was funny! But the Hollyoaks boys were far from celeb status! compared to the real star we saw in a new bar round the back of Sinatra’s.

Think bad taste in clothes, think ‘anyone who had a heart’ think blind date and being best friends with Dale Winton - yes that’s right Cilla F ing Black! She is a lege, I really wanted my photo taken with her but Dan said no it’s too sad! To top it off as well she turned up in a black sequined trousers suit, she had the token over hair sprayed barnet and everything! Do you remember when people used to say that her real name is Pricilla White - do you reckon that’s true?

Anyway so we had a wicked time and we ate so much, a good three meals a day and is it me or are the chips on holiday the nicest thing in the world - I was having them with a salad though, I am not that bad and plus going into Tormelinos was enough to put you off ever eating again. Please never go though; there should be a Government health warning underneath the ‘welcome to Torimilinos’ sign ‘welcome to Tormifatos’ more like. It all started one day when it was a bit cloudy and we thought what shall we do? I know there is a market on in Toremelinos how sweet! Little home made bits, some funky ethnic jewellery, key rings that you squeeze and their rude bits come out, if nothing more it should be quite fun.

How wrong we were! Firstly the market was more North Weald than Portobello Road and I have never seen so many overweight people in all my life. I know that I am known for being a bit of a ‘weightiest’ but this time I have good reason I swear. These people made Michelle McManus look anorexic - it’s not that I think it’s bad to be curvy or even a little bit overweight but not obese and not in shorts! It was like being in a kind of mini America or as my mum put it ‘Blackpool with sun’ and everywhere you looked these people were eating, they were walking around with ice creams, bags of crisps and sweets. When we sat down in one cafe I actually had to move seats, there was this family sitting there with a massive fry up each (with chips) and pints of coke, all in summer clothes and might I say spilling out of them! I and Dan took some pictures of some! I am sick!

I am evil and I know this but I am not going to change! Please don’t tell me it’s a gland thing either that so don’t wash with me! It’s like when you see chunky kids eating sweets and crisps all the time or they are in the super market with their parents and the trolley is just filled up with crap I want to shout at them. Why don’t they make their kids eat well? Half the beauty of having children I have always thought is telling them what to do, no?

Anyway apart from Toremfatos everything was lovely and once Dan got rid of the ants in his pants and finally relaxed it was lovely and chilled and I didn’t want to come home! We did though and once home and dry after an about 27 hours it felt like we had never been away! Don’t you hate that? And do you know what else I hate, when you come back from holiday and someone asks you a million questions about what you did? They say things like. ‘Did you go there when you were in Spain’ Or ‘didn’t you see bla bla bla when you were there?’ you feel like an idiot when you say no you didn’t; they make you feel like their holiday was better. It’s as if they are competing but I have come up with a plan to get one up. Next time someone says something, make up fake places that you have been to, say things like ‘what you didn’t go there’ and then sort of sigh as if to say ‘god you’ve missed out’ you could do this with three or more locations - the funniest would be though if someone said, yes I have been there ha ha can you imagine!

So back to reality and I really missed the girls so it was nice to have a catch up, my friend Jo who lives in Australia (lucky cow) was back for a while too so it was good to have a gossip. It made me realise that since she’s been away not a lot has changed but then so much has happened do you know what I mean? When people that you haven’t seen for ages ask you what you’ve been up to you feel like such a wally saying - nothing actually! We did watch some clips from some of the shows I’ve been on lately (they are all bits that make up my top secret TV show) and there is one thing that I did for This Morning and I didn’t realise how funny it was until I watched it again, I can’t believe I kept a straight face while I did it! Seeing it though has made me really excited about when it comes out even if no one watches it, what I had to do in 8 months of filming to make it was hard work but so worth it! I think this is one of the reasons why I can’t seem to get a normal job.

I have had such fun in the last 8 months - that the thought of going back to a boring office job makes me want to cry - hence the walking out at lunch of my last temp job! The thing is unless all your friends are off work as well you start to get a little bit bored and the prospect of Cheshunt with your mum on a grey Tuesday afternoon is actually quite appealing and with a mum like mine that is saying something! For those of you who know her she is completely nuts (but in a good way) she is worse than me, to say she doesn’t suffer fools gladly is the understatement of the year. She is actually quite frightening, she has to have a row a day she thinks it’s healthy. God help you if you are a having a bad day or are a little bit laid back and you work in a shop in Loughton she only has to say ‘excuse me’ in her undermining tone and you want to cry! She thinks she knows everything (and most of the time she does) and she only has to give a certain look at people which says it all, God I hope I have that power when I am older! So having spent a couple of weeks with my mum while I’ve been back I can say that her bitchiness has rubbed off a lot on me and I feel I am getting worse! Oh god!

P.S Oh my god I nearly forgot to say! I went to 195 with the girls when I got back and I was in the toilet and this girl came up to me (someone I knew) and said ‘you think you are so good because you write for the Loop’ firstly I didn’t think they allowed men in the girls toilets and secondly I went to University for 4 years and studied writing and I although I don’t think I am ‘so good’ I am proud that I write for the Loop and that people do read it - not only that it also allows me to expose horrible over tanned men sorry I mean women like yourself!

P.P.S Why don’t ex girlfriends just get over it, they are still fluttering around after all this time, thinking they may have a chance - have some pride.

P.P.P.S Just quickly how annoying are those chain emails? They are evil, you know the ones that say if you don’t forward this on you will have bad luck for the rest of your life or a loved one will die it’s so horrible! Do me a favour if you ever get one just delete it? They serve no purpose and are no fun; they just put you in a bad mood and make you worry for a minute.

P.P.P.P.S Ellie has just got back from Thailand and lost wait for it....... 10 lbs in a week from detox camp! I am going to spend a year there!

P.P.P.P.P.S (and then I promise I will go) We had a great night in Minx on Sunday (bank holiday weekend) and we were all having a boogie. I hang around in a massive mixed group and we were saying how funny it is that we are usually the only ones dancing, we are going to start hiring ourselves out to get people’s party’s going - like in Van Wilder that is such a wicked film.... write that down!