The Loop Guide to Clubbing, Drinking, plus West Essex and East London living.

So I am just about to go for my colonic irrigation and I am a mixture between excited (in a I am going to have a flat tummy after all this kind of way) and scared which I didn’t think I would be. I am scared of a lot of things, really scared that the tube won’t fit, scared my bum doctor might laugh, but worst of all I am scared that it will be discovered (on the basis that I am an extremely windy person) that my ‘waste’ will in some way be abnormal and my bum doctor will shriek in horror and cry, ‘oh my goodness I have never seen anything like it’! So that is how feel but I am sure this is normal, well I hope it is, I think its just nerves but then can you blame me, I don’t think anyone has really seen that area of me close up before, let alone a stranger!, So I will take a few deep breaths and walk over to the clinic where my bottom examiner will be waiting, tube in hand!.....

Right so I’ve just come back and all I can say is ‘oh my god!’ it was amazing I loved it, I feel about 8 stone lighter.. like I have been reborn! My bum doctor (who is not only worthy of a name now, but a knighthood!, Ellie) was fantastic. She talked my through exactly what was going to happen step by step so I would be prepared for any shocks, I asked her a million questions like, ‘has anyone ever pooed themselves? (yes but not badly and who cares), passed out? (no) or has the tube never not gone in? (never) Will it hurt? (no), how big’s the tube (about the size width ways of a 2p piece) and will I be able to see it (yes unless you close your eyes) will I be walking like John Wayne afterwards (wouldn’t be the first time, but on this occasion no!) And most importantly will I have a flat tummy afterwards (yes flat as a pancake), so at this point I was quite happy. I was then told about the colon flush in detail, at first I thought she was referring to a ride at fantaseas (remember there?) and then I was assured that this was in fact something we wanted to happened and that was a good thing, basically flashing out all the cr*p!

I was still a bit scared and slightly embarrassed although Ellie assured me that she see’s it everyday and that it really doesn’t bother her in fact her words were ‘I could eat a roast dinner in front of it and it wouldn’t put me off’ uummm lumpy gravy (I swear I am four years old).. Heather (Editor of The Loop and taker of the lovely photographs) was looking at me reassuringly with a look of what I mistook for horror on her face which was actually jealousy, she is pregnant and she is V gassy and she gets embarrassed having to let it out all the time (thanks for sharing that with everyone - H!) I love her! Oh why oh why don’t we live in a society where farting is acceptable!

Anyway, the tube went in, but not as far as you would think so it didn’t hurt and Ellie put a lube (ha ha lube!) on it that has a local anaesthetic in it so after about 5 mins you don’t feel it at all and when the water went in it was warm and just felt just like I was sitting in a warm bath. Ellie was chatting away about the sensations I would feel throughout the process and what would be happening but with words I could understand like, sh*t, cr*p, gas and blow off etc.. so it made the experience feel even less daunting but it did give me the giggles (as I said I am four), in fact Ellie had me in fits most of the time she was brilliant and at some points it felt like all three of us were out for lunch rather than the gross reality that I was sitting there with a tube up my bum being flushed!

When my session was up I felt light and my tum was so flat and even flatter the next day I didn’t feel bloated at all and it made me think I walk about bloated most of the time there was such a difference afterwards! Ellie was great and I really admired her, she started the whole colonic thing because she used to have it done at the West End and always found the travelling such a hassle so she looked for somewhere round here and there wasn’t anywhere so got qualified and set up her own. I thought, what a great achievement, she had an idea and she just ‘did it’ and this made me all self motivated when I got home so as I sat there on the loo for a while and I organised my whole month including booking my holiday for Ibiza and sorting out my finances!

So I am now completely hooked on colonic and am going to be one of those annoying people that keeps going on about it! I found out that I am as I always knew a v windy person, which my friends and family will vouch for and as my dad always says there is only one thing good for wind - and that’s a kite, so get yourselves down there it comes highly recommended!

PS Thank you Heather for coming with me – how funny was the viewing area.

PPS Thank you to Ellie for my Colonic Hydrotherapy. If any of you are interested in having this done please call The Goldings Hill Clinic on 0208 508 7514 1 Lower Rd, Loughton. She has a waiting list but appointments are flexible (as is her tube!) and cost £60 per session. She does group bookings, gift vouchers, Hen Nights – what are you waiting for? Give her a call!

PPPS Two things – have you ever done a spinning class? It is like torture on wheels!And another thing have you ever watched the sex inspectors? It’s on at about 11pm on channel 4 on a Thursday, now I am no prood, but it made me feel ill… Watching ‘normal’ (I say normal, but that’s like low budget ‘anyone that will shag on TV’ terms) couples doing it and then people examining where they are going wrong etc.. Me and Dan watched it and in the morning we both woke up feeling all guilty ‘do you remember what we watched last night?’ (Hello! We watched it all)’ ‘yea. Let’s not talk about it?’ I think I speak for us both when I say we felt violated! See you in a couple of weeks!