The Loop Guide to Clubbing, Drinking, plus West Essex and East London living.

There has been a baby epidemic in this area at the moment and I can’t work out if its because we had such a rubbish summer, a boring winter or the fact that TV lately (excluding Harry Hills TV burp) is absolutely rubbish, I mean how many programmes do they want to show about losing weight? Supersize V’s superskinny with the ever so ugly Gillian McKeith, if you are what you eat then she must be eating a hell of a lot of Llamas and if eating healthy makes you look like that then I think I’ll avoid the mung beans thank you. I know we’re a nation obsessed with weight but how many different ways do they need to be told! The funniest one is 3 fat brides, one thin dress (also with Gillian) ha ha surely that proves that no matter how fat you are there will always be someone fatter wanting to marry you, so what’s the worry? Then there’s How To Look Good Naked, which is slightly contradictory to anything on channel 4 that bangs on about losing weight because its sending out the message ‘be happy with what you’ve got and flaunt it’ so if you just watch that, you don’t need to watch the other rubbish. Apparently the presenter (Gok Wan) used to be really really fat which I can sort of see. Its funny isn’t it sometimes no matter how skinny a person gets (e.g. Sonia from Eastenders) they will always look fat? It’s like you can still make out that fat person screaming to get out. I don’t like Gok there is something about him that makes me think that he’s taking the piss, I was looking on the website and there was a section of ‘Gok’s top tips’ this was my favourite: Wax and shave the hair on your body – your muff area should always be maintained niceeeeeeee great journalistic terminology and it wouldn’t surprise me if Gok has indeed got a muff himself! So rubbish TV maybe that’s the cause of the bambino epidemic in the area not that it’s a bad thing, my friend Laura has just given birth to THE most cutest baby called Teddy, he is gorgeous, it made me broody for about 15 minutes but after a cup of something sweet & strong and two neurofen that feeling slowly passed. Its not that I’m not broody, I am, but I just feel like there is other things I need to do first.. Like earn a million! I have been saying that since I was 15 and its got to the stage where a million in decreasing in value as the years go by, I’ll get to 80 years old and buy a loaf of bread and a lottery ticket for a million and be one of those old people that say, to anyone that will listen ‘in my day a million pounds was a lot of money’ to which the adolescent teenager on his hover board will reply ‘yea and I bet in your day you had to drive everywhere!’

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I wonder if we will be flying everywhere by the year 2070 can you imagine air rage, I don’t think getting out at the lights to berate someone would really work in that instance and if you hit someone or where getting chased by the police you could so easily lose them in the sky ‘quick grey cloud get behind it’. How would traffic wardens function though? I bet they’d have wings, or vehicles that never ran out of the fuel that made them fly, or they’ll just invent robot traffic wardens! Well whatever they decided you can be sure they’d find a way, the bastards! You really do have to be a certain kind of person to be a traffic warden don’t you, I mean you must want to do that job because I think I’d rather be a dustman who ok can be equally hated when you get stuck behind their trucks but I would still rather clear up peoples shit than be a traffic warden. What kind of person would want to be a traffic warden and how exactly do they ‘ward traffic’ I never see them when I am stuck in jam pacing up and down doing their best to help ward the traffic I have however seen them give a ticket to an ambulance! Ok maybe they have now been given the name ‘parking attendants’ but have they ever attended to your parking? Nor mine. If they really are what they say they are then what’s to stop us pulling up to a traffic warden jumping out the car giving him/ her (there are women ones, ugly) your keys and said ‘ere mate attend to the parking of that for me, I’ll be back at three’. Now I am sure that they would not attend to my parking then, no but they will attend when my ticket was four minutes over its time, or slap me with fines twice when outside my own house and once when I did have a valid ticket that was printed faded! Now correct me if I’m wrong but those traffic wardens/parking attendants do not do their jobs properly. So for that I going to continue to tell them so by means of shouting obscenities, throwing rubbish at them, following them home sticking a home made sign outside their house, ‘a traffic warden lives here’. Then when they have to move because they are being terrorised by the neighbours I am going to watch them load up their removal van and tell the police they looked like there were some suspicious items being put in the van (and which I had earlier planted) and watch and smile while they get arrested and or better still make a citizens arrest and when they scream and say ‘you can’t do this’ I am going to state ‘am I not a citizen? Therefore I am authorised to make a citizens’ arrest, just doing my job’. Yes that’s the plan so if you know of any traffic wardens and more importantly where they live then please please let me know. When I worked at Kiss, streetboy used to do this thing where he stood in a high street with a mega phone and if a traffic warden went past he would should ‘TRAFFIC WARDEN ALERT, TRAFFIC WARDEN ALERT’ it was so funny, he got told to move on all the time but the ever relentless he just kept coming back it was brilliant and worth thinking about doing round here!

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Right enough about traffic wardens they’ve taken up far to much of my valuable time already I am just going to round up this delightful piece of literature by explaining what is actually entailed on my detox trip to Thailand in May, firstly you don’t eat for the whole time you’re there, instead you drink drinks made our of clay, take herbal tablets and to pass the time you mediate and do yoga. Secondly you have colonic twice a day and go for runs on the beach. Now am I right in the thinking that the after not eating, running and taking herbal tablets that when it comes to the colonics the only thing left to come out of you would be your actual insides? But hey if it makes you lose weight then sod it! Its better than anything Gok or Gillian recommends and at least you can do it in the sun!  I am slightly worried though but at the same time I think we will have a laugh either that or want to strangle each other there aren’t many people that you can go on holiday with at the best of times let alone when you’re all struggling under the pressure of not bloody eating! It will be nice to do something different though and I will reward myself to a trip to Ibiza when I get back or maybe somewhere a bit more exotic I haven’t decided yet.
So that’s about all I am going to waffle on about this month so until next time, ta ta, au revious, arrivederci, adios, laters!

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P.S I would like to thank all my wenches and my friends for really helping me through this time with my dad, he is on the mend and will be home soon thank goodness – longest year of my life!

P.P.S I would also like to thank Gal for finding my 21st video and putting it on DVD for me.. It was so lovely to watch and made me realise how long we’ve all been friends. It’s only a shame we haven’t got a video of the ‘Mean It!’ Party… Ha Ha

P.P.P.S Enough of the cardigans boys, so 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!