The Loop Guide to Clubbing, Drinking, plus West Essex and East London living.

have been an extremely busy Miss Essex and the City the last couple of months and feel that this has reflected on the lack of literary content in my column so for this I apologise!

Firstly I have seen more of Spain than the crew on the Spanish Armada and secondly I have been on countless crazy nights out (why do all my friends have birthdays in June and July) and thirdly (but most importantly) I have been concentrating on a new transition/phase in my life and how to cope with it! What’s that then? I hear you ask! Well, as well as all my friends birthdays it was also mine and that along with watching two of my friends get married (yes married proper grown up stuff) I have come to the conclusion that I am entering, for the first time in my life the adult world and it’s scarier than the likeness between Daviff Thomas and the fat welsh girl from big brother!

It made me jittery and worried that I have no intention of doing what is expected of being a ‘grown up’. Along with the wedding (that was in Majorca I might add, see review) and the fact that I have reached the ripe old age of 28 there was also the small matter of going to Ibiza and being more interested in ‘chilling out’ (that being the phrase that old and boring people use to describe being old and boring, chillaxing might be a more modern word to use but it still means the same) than getting spaced at Space… However with this realisation I didn’t feel ready to hang up my dancing shoes quite yet and I am not prepared enough to consider the consequences of my actions and decipher the reasons for my stupidness (all things you do as a grown up).

I don’t feel old enough and for the last couple of months life seemed to be guiding me a direction I have no control over! So with this dilemma in mind and in true Essex and the city journalistic style its time for my moment of reflex ion and not a moment to soon anything for me to get of the train to grown upsville and do things in my own time and this is how I did it.

So there I am feeling old and bit boring and if I am honest a little bit disappointed that at 28 I still haven’t reached my goals (see previous Essex in the city but just to recap, married to a rich man, famous author and I forget the third one but I am sure it has something to do with new boobs and an extremely small arse) so with that at this feeling I just couldn’t ignore like a wood pecker pecking from the inside of the tree I decided it was time to confront it.

At first it crossed my mind to change my life completely, get a sensible job and find a prospective husband…erm I lasted one week at a temp job in the city and unless I want to speed or internet date the prospect of finding a husband only now seems to lie in the chance meeting through a friend or at work and since I work in the Essex entertainment industry that is not going to happen any time soon when most people are averaging at 21!

Ok so I didn’t exactly write myself off during this dark time but when shop assistants start calling you ‘lady’ and you have to tick the 25-30 box on application forms it doesn’t make ignoring that wood pecker any easier! The worst is when you’re family start saying things ‘you’ll be next’ at your cousins wedding (although if they’re old you can get your own back at funerals) and when everyone around you is getting a mortgage and arranging weddings it does tend to make you feel like you should be doing something a bit more worth while than holidaying and partying all the time. For the last month of so it was like I’d reached the point where I thought ‘right time to get serious, sort your life out and grow up’.

I always wondered at what point old people start dressing really old, the women cut their hair and they all start wearing beige and fawn (fawn being a colour that only old people know about and ironically rhymes with yawn) I used to think it wasn’t a conscious decision but now I am not so sure. Also and changing the subject slightly but something I would like to share, why is it that ALL old people drive Micra’s my friend Lucy and I believe that its because is because they are in fact aliens disguised as old people sent down here to spy, Micra’s have really long aerials and we think its because they are hooked up to a transmitter in the sky beaming down orders, note: we were extremely stoned when we thought this but even normal it sounds like a plausible explanation!

So after all that the wood pecker was still tapping so I decided to look at it in another was and I started to raise the question in my head of whose idea was it for life to go in what order and why is it such a massive deal if you don’t do it like that? It tends to make you consider just settling and that is like telling yourself a big fat lie and believing it even though deep down you know its bullshit, a bit like when you were younger and you even believed you were going round your boyfriends to do homework.

Then it hit me, no one who seems to make any rules in our society (i.e. the government) seems to get it right so why should we listen now. If it doesn’t seem socially acceptable to still be clubbing and laughing at farts when your 40 then just don’t socialise in that circle, find one that does or better still start your own circle! I have never listened to anyone before and I am not about to start now socially acceptable or not! As soon as I thought this the woodpecker stopped it was as if it was warning me that I wasn’t being true to myself and I felt peaceful again!

On that note and with one last bit of advice if you find yourself at this point or any stage in your life where you suddenly think ‘I really should be doing this’ then take a long hard look at yourself and work out why you feel you should. I believe life is mapped out and that there is no need to push it and if you end up 30 with still no idea of what you want to do when you ‘grow up’ or who you want to marry then for god sake don’t stop looking and trying because even if those around you don’t accept your life decision, them you can ignore but it’s a lot harder to ignore yourself and that little wood pecker in your head will just tap louder when finally it will reach the stage where you’ve done what you thought you should have done and there will be nothing else to drown it out… So the lesson is be true to yourself and don’t settle, make your own rules and even if you feel the slightest urge, never ever wear fawn, in fact forget I even mentioned it was a colour!

So from an insightful Miss Essex and The City this month, I will see you next time, love you all and thank you for reading and giving me such positive feedback from my columns and don’t forget to email me with any suggestions of things you would like me to tackle or just moan about….. .

P.S If I could kill on person it would be the idiot who decided to change the Nokia Chargers, I have had three and they’ve all broken.

P.P.S Actually that would be the second person I would kill, the first would be the pr*ck that stole my bag in Ibiza…

P.P.P.S Don’t forget to read my review, and Ellie before you moan there is loads about you in it and the way you stalked me to Marbella, Majorca AND Ibiza! I love you.